Behind the Walls of Emerald City
by Gibs
Summary: Hate season 10? Well maybe not if you knew what might have been happening WRT Harm and Mac's relationship 'behind the scenes'. Doesn't go AU so from now on you can watch those eps and pretend that they actually were still friends...and more? COMPLETE 7 Ap
1. Prologue

BEHIND THE WALLS OF EMERALD CITY

Author: Gibs

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. _JAG_ and its characters are the property of Belisarius Productions and Donald P. Bellisario. This story is not intended to violate any copyrights they have and is not intended for profit in any way

Category: Romance H/M. Season 10 story.

Rating: M

Summary: What we didn't see going on behind the scenes of Season 10. Takes place between _The Four Percent Solution_ and _Fair Winds and Following Seas._

A/N: I posted this story last summer on another board (normally I write under the pen name Gibson, but that name was already taken here). Unfortunately, I never got a chance to archive it anywhere and a lot people requested I did so now I'm finally getting the chance.

Originally, this story was called simply "The Walls of Emerald City", however I changed the name to try and give it more of a feeling of what the story is about. It is a story that takes place 'behind the scenes' of season 10 so to speak, however it is NOT AU. I have gone to great lengths to make sure that anything that takes place in this story does not affect what we saw on screen during that season. I think a lot of fans of the show – even if they weren't 'shippers'- would have to agree that it was a shame what we saw become of Harm and Mac's friendship in the later years. This story hopes to remedy that fact without changing canon by showing what _could_ have been going on between our dynamic duo – to prove that they still may have been close – very close in fact – and working on moving towards something beyond friendship – we just didn't see it on screen. It takes place from _The Four Percent Solution_ (because I think that's when most people felt that a relationship might very well have started), straight through to _Fair Winds and Following Seas_, as I said, _without_ changing the events that we saw on-screen.

I didn't restate canon in any of these stories, the chapters just pick up after the episodes leave off (or in some cases before or during), so I'm sorry if you're not familiar with the episode and it is confusing – I don't think there is anything that would make you not understand the story per se, but something might seem strange if you don't remember the episode – hopefully it won't detract too much.

I'm going to try to break scenes up according to episodes, however if it's a particularly long scene, I may break it in two or three parts. If it's a particularly short scene, I'll still leave it at one episode (i.e. I won't tie two episodes together in one post), so some of those chapters might be a little short.

Finally, a little about the title… well, seeing as _The Emerald City_ was where everyone in _The Wizard of Oz_ was always trying to get to – Dorothy to find her way home, The Scarecrow, a brain, the Tin Man, a heart… so for JAG Shippers, _The Emerald City_ was where Harm and Mac would finally be granted their happiness. Just as in the movie though, the only one who was able to grant these wishes was of course The Wizard, (hmmm… any idea who that might be?). Of course, we all know that Dorothy and her crew weren't automatically given their dreams upon arrival at the Emerald City, they had to appeal to the Wizard of Oz it to grant them. In a similar way, we shippers waited patiently for our Wizard to grant our wishes to us. In the end, Dorothy discovered that The Wizard wasn't really a Wizard after all and she had always had the power to return home, just as we in a way discovered, through the power of fanfic, that we also had to make our own dreams come true! So, it is with this idea in mind that I take out my Harm and Mac dolls once again to relive that fairly traumatic season, from _The Four Percent Solution_ straight through to the Finale. None of the events as we saw them onscreen have changed, but through this story, we will find what was always there – going on behind the scenes - we just didn't know we had the power to see them!

There are 22 chapters to this story in all, and since it is already finished, I will be posting one chapter a day (barring any unforeseen circumstances).

Now, without further adieu, close your eyes, click your heels and repeat after me – "There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home…"


	2. The Four Percent Solution Pt 1

MAC'S HOSPITAL ROOM  
PENNINGTON MEDICAL CENTER  
SLEEPY HOLLOW, VIRGINIA  
25 DECEMBER 2004  
1130 ZULU

Mac awoke slowly from her drug induced slumber, immediately turning her eyes to the large leather hospital chair that currently contained the sleeping form of one Harmon Rabb, Jr. She couldn't believe he had actually been able to sleep with the sounds of nurses coming and going at all hours, or the incessant beeping of machines – at least _she_ had the luxury of Demerol to help get her through the night.

Smiling as much as she could manage with a swollen face, she recalled their talk from the previous evening. Though cryptic as always, she thought they had come to an unspoken understanding. He still wanted her and she still wanted him. At least she hoped she had made that clear to him. For awhile it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off their shoulders. They laughed and played cribbage like old times until she hadn't been able to keep her eyes open anymore. As Harm rolled the hospital tray against the wall, she had tried one last attempt to get him to leave.

"Harm, you don't have to stay here you know. I'm gonna be fine. Why don't you go home?"

Harm had sat slowly in the chair by her bed. "And what exactly do I have to go home to?"

She had hesitated, actually catching herself from saying something about blonde, civilian lawyers, but he had read her mind.

"I didn't sleep with her, Mac. It was just dinner."

A slow reddening rose in Mac's cheeks and she looked into her lap. "Harm, it's OK… I would completely understand if you…"

"Mac..." He inched forward to the edge of his seat and took her hand in his again. "I think I made myself pretty clear at the Admiral's party. I know you told me that you can't right now… but it wasn't so long ago that you told me never…" he looked down at their hands and smiled in amusement, "… the way I see it, things are looking up."

"You've become quite the optimist in your old age, Sailor."

"Hey – don't remind me about the 'old' part." Harm released her hand and eased the big leather hospital chair back to stretch out. With a grimace, he reached under himself uncomfortably and pulled out a small red cribbage peg. Raising his eyebrow, he teasingly tossed the peg at her. "Just don't string me along forever, Marine – I'm not quite _that_ pathetic."

They had both smiled at that, but struggled to meet each other's eyes. Mac knew it was probably the Demerol that was lowering her defences, but she couldn't prevent herself from speaking aloud her thoughts at that particular moment.

"Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"Despite everything…" she nervously played with her fingers, "…all the complicated stuff, you know… with us…" she couldn't quite gather the confidence to lift her eyes from her lap, "… you're still the best thing that's ever happened to me."

When she tentatively stole a glance at him, she swore his eyes were slightly glassy, "Right back at ya, Mackenzie."

Now, as Mac stretched quietly the next morning, her mind kept wandering to what exactly this all meant. She had been so sure that he was seeing Alicia… certainly if _she_ had been Alicia she would have jumped at the opportunity to take Harm to bed… and why wouldn't Harm have willingly gone? Hadn't he almost admitted as much to her when they were working on that retrial together? She thought that's what he had meant, but maybe not. God knows it wouldn't have been the first time she had trouble understanding what Harm intended to say when he spoke.

"Good morning Colonel Mackenzie…" her thoughts were interrupted by the same young doctor from the previous evening.

"Don't they ever let you poor residents sleep?"

Harm suddenly flinched as he awoke from his place in the recliner. Groggily, he passed a hand over his face and took account of his surroundings.

"Rise and shine, Flyboy." Mac smiled cheerily.

He returned his seat to an upright position, "Easy for you to say, you're on drugs."

"Not for much longer, hopefully," smiled the young doctor, whom Harm figured must be on some pretty good drugs himself he was so cheery, "you up to being released today, Colonel?"

"Is the Pope Catholic?"

"Mac, are you sure?"

"Well, she's going to be sore, that's for sure, but as long as she takes it easy she should be fine."

"I promise, Doc – just get me out of here."

The young doctor smiled again and passed his pen quickly over her chart. "You're all signed out. The nurse will bring you in your discharge papers in about 20 minutes. Good luck."

As soon as the physician left the room, Mac flung back the sheets in an attempt to swing her legs off the bed, her eagerness at an impending release temporarily allowing her to forget her injuries. Not surprisingly, the action caused her to recoil in pain.

"Jeeze Mac!" Harm was at her side in an instant. When he saw the state of her legs, he froze. Recovering enough to tenderly trace the outsides edge of her wounds with his middle finger, he took account of how both her knees were badly skinned, red and bruised. "Ouch." He mused.

Mac immediately flinched again, but this time not in pain. The light touch of his fingers sent shivers up her spine and a watery pool swirling in her groin. Harm felt her draw back and quickly apologized. "God, I'm sorry - did that hurt?"

"No!" She countered quickly, suddenly embarrassed at her condition. This wasn't the way she had envisioned Harm would first get acquainted with her legs. She waved her hand aimlessly towards her knees. "Those don't hurt, really. I'm just a little stiff."

Harm almost had to choke back a laugh. "I can imagine!" He automatically went to help guide her legs over the side, but stopped himself when he remembered how touching her had affected him only a few moments ago. He had never had the chance to be so up close and personal with her legs before, and now that he had, he noticed two things – 1) it was obvious she waxed – despite the physical wounds – the rest of her legs were flawless and smooth – like some Greek sculpture; and 2) just the **_thought_** of this made parts of his body twitch that had no business twitching in a hospital room. Wisely, he removed his hands in surrender. "Mac – are you sure you're up to this? You can always stay you know."

Mac gave him her warning glare. "I'm sure, Harm… really."

"OK, but I'm coming with you." He held his breath and didn't meet her eye, figuring if he did, she would immediately take that as a challenge to argue with him. As it turned out, his strategy failed anyway.

"Harm, it's not necessary."

Any other day he may have submitted to her, but this was serious and he was in no mood to bicker. Without missing a beat, he jumped directly to what he knew would work. He fixed her eyes with the most convincing glare he could muster and dropped his voice to a husky, bedroom drawl, "Don't make me spend Christmas Day by myself, Mac."

The look she gave him sent parts a-twitching once again and he almost had to sit down to avoid embarrassing himself. God, had she ever looked at him that way before? Maybe… but it was a long time ago. It was a look he'd almost forgotten, and it sent hope in the form of a million butterflies straight to his heart.

"Well, since you put it that way, Sailor…"

If her face hadn't been all red and puffy, he would have tried to kiss her, but the last thing he wanted to do was cause her anymore pain so he shook his head and cleared his throat "Good. I'll, uh… get your clothes…" he backed away a couple of steps in a content stupor before quickly grabbing the duffel that the second EMS bus had retrieved from the back of her demolished car. He placed it on the bed beside her and couldn't stop himself from grinning seductively "Need any help changing?"

Mac laughed and lifted her eyebrow "I think I'll manage, thanks."

"Well…" Harm backed towards the door way, "… if you change your mind…" he thumbed over his shoulder towards the exit and smiled.

"You'll be the first to know."

Outside the door, Harm found the nearest chair a few feet down the hall and fell into it – his mind reeling. This was going way too fast. It was like suddenly the floodgates had been opened and he was swept up in a tide of his own emotions. He needed to get control of himself – Mac was injured and needed his assistance, not his libido. He rubbed his sweaty palms over his uniform pants and vowed to himself to get a grip. If he was going to get anywhere with this woman – which it suddenly seemed as if he might – he needed to reign in his emotions and get control. The last thing she needed right now was for him to paw at her while she was injured, and if he was going to be around her and not paw at her, he needed control. "Casually optimistic" he suddenly said out loud to himself. That was it, if it was true that this was finally going somewhere, he couldn't get ahead of himself – 'casually optimistic' would be his new mantra.

"Harm?"

Mac was suddenly at the door to her room. He jumped up and was at her side so fast that the much worn soles of his Navy issue oxfords caused him to slide to a halt.

"Whoa there, Navy – slow down."

"Mac – what the hell are you doing out of bed?! Get in there before someone sees you, will ya?" Exasperated, Harm gently nudged her backwards into the room as he spoke.

"What?"

"You have to wait for the nurse to bring the papers!"

"Can't we go _to_ the nurse?"

He helped her onto the bed and pointed his finger at her. "I'll go to the nurse - _you_ stay here!"

"Geez, are you going to be this pushy all weekend?"

"Only if you're a bad girl, Mac."

She pouted as best she could with a swollen face. "Does that mean Santa won't bring me any presents?"

Harm leaned in towards her and spoke quietly "That's exactly what it means, sweet thing." He cocked both eyebrows at her and sauntered off to the nurse's station, leaving a very bothered Marine in his wake.

TBC


	3. The Four Percent Solution Pt 2

28 DECEMBER 2004  
0230 ZULU  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
WASHINGTON, DC

Harm and Mac sat casually on her sofa, absorbed in a late movie. They had spent an enjoyable two days in each other's company, but the flirting from the hospital room had eased up considerably the moment they got into the unchaperoned sanctity of Mac's Georgetown apartment. Harm was trying desperately to keep his distance from her, not trusting himself in her presence, but at the same time enjoying their closeness way too much to think about leaving.

Mac was enjoying his company as well, but was constantly aware that she couldn't let her guard down. Once the effects of the painkilling medication had worn off, her heart had become cautious again and she was thankful Harm had backed off on the heavy flirtation from earlier. She was still too traumatized after the multiple hits of this past summer and fall – Webb's 'death', 'resurrection', their subsequent split, Sadik, and then to top it off, the endometriosis – it had all taken it's toll on her. Try as she might, she couldn't bring herself to relax with Harm, to take things where she had a pretty good idea he wanted them to go. Every time she thought about trying to break down that proverbial wall, memories of Sydney, Renee, Paraguay, Catherine Gale, Alicia Montez and everyone or everything else that ever came between them surged into her consciousness. As a result, she purposely kept him at arms length during Christmas – they laughed and joked as friends, but she had no intention of it being anything other than the rebuilding of an old and tattered friendship.

Despite all of her best intentions however, as they sat there on her couch taking in the movie, she couldn't help being aware of the heat of his body - heat that seemed to be emanating off of him in waves. She couldn't seem to dismiss the masculine scent of his after shave, his 'just clean' soapy smell from when he had showered after dinner… and she definitely had no chance of ignoring that thing she liked to call his plain old 'Harmness'. She had to admit, he had a presence about him that she had always found overwhelming. Tonight though, it bothering her to the point of distraction… to the point where she had no idea what was going on in the movie and she wasn't sure what would happen if he just turned and kissed her. Would she be able to resist? Did she have the strength for even that anymore?

Unbeknownst to Mac, Harm was having similar difficulties. He'd sat hugging one of her overstuffed cushions to his stomach for the last half-hour – the result of a raging hard-on he had long since given up trying to make go away. He'd managed to control himself quite well over the last two days, even spending last night on her couch "in case she needed anything". But sadly, he had come to the realization he could no longer stay here. In spite of his overwhelming desire to be close, he knew it had come down to him leaving her apartment, or face breaking down completely and trying something on her. Briefly he wondered how she would react to that. She had certainly responded to his flirting back at the hospital, but since then, he'd gotten no encouragement in that direction. As much as he wanted to believe otherwise, he felt Mac was holding him off and he needed to respect her requirement for space. He found this whole situation disconcerting. Not since High School had he been afraid to make a move on a girl. Once he had 'done it' the first time, he quickly came to realize that women didn't turn him down – it just didn't happen – and after that there had been no worrying. But with Mac everything was different… it had always been different… and he suddenly felt himself sweating like a High School sophomore in his parents' basement. Even though the movie was barely half over, he knew he had to make a break for it. Without preamble, he suddenly turned to her;

"Mac, I… think I better head home… You going to be okay tonight?"

Mac was startled and more than slightly disappointed, even though she knew it was what she had been telling herself she wanted. She managed to plaster on a fake smile despite herself. "Of course, Harm. You really didn't need to stay all this time anyway."

"Yeah, well… I wanted to…" he cut himself off before he got lost in her eyes. "Anyway, I've got to run… uh… Mattie's coming up tomorrow for a few days but I was… wondering if you wanted to, you know… do something for New Years?"

Mac looked down and reddened slightly. "Well… I don't think I'll be in any condition to go out or anything…"

"No… sure, of course not… but I thought maybe we could just hang out… you know… together."

Harm smiled and before she knew what had happened, he leaned forward quickly and kissed her on the forehead. "Great, well I'll give you a call…" he stood up, grabbed his jacket off the coat hook and didn't even turn around until he was halfway out the door. He turned and pointed at her with a smile "You take it easy, Marine."

She only had time to nod, slightly dumbfounded, before he closed the door and was gone. When it finally sunk in that he had just left, she turned off the movie and laid her head on the arm of the couch sadly. A part of her wondered if this was Harm's old 'fight or flight' reflex kicking in again. The one that led him to only want her when she had one foot out the door. In this case, the catalyst had been her accident. It had brought him close for a few days, but maybe once he realized that she was going to be alright, the enormity of getting close to her wheedled its way back into his brain and sent him skiddadling for the door. She closed her eyes and sighed, her heart hardening just a little bit more. She knew this time it was just as much her as it was him, but despite the fact that she couldn't seem to let him in right now, she sorely missed his presence and it hurt that he had left. She sighed and stared at the door for a good twenty minutes before she finally dragged herself to bed.

31 DECEMBER 2004  
2335 LOCAL  
HARM'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION  
Harm poured the steaming hot chocolate into a thermos and smiled. The night was going well and he was hopeful. He had been so eager for this that when he called her two days ago to make plans, he had actually woken her up.

_flashback_

"Harm? What time is it?"

"It's 08:15, Marine – and what do you mean 'what time is it?' Are you okay?"

Mac rubbed her eyes and rolled over in bed, snuggling the comforter around her. "Uh… I just had a rough night…I don't think the painkillers are completely out of my system yet."

"Oh… I'm sorry…" Harm could hear the tone of her voice and the rustling of her bedcovers and knew exactly where she was. He couldn't keep his mind from venturing… from imagining being snuggled right there with her in that bed.

"It's okay…" she said sleepily, her eyes still closed, "…I should be getting up soon anyway… what's up?"

Harm wanted to tell her exactly what part of him was '_up_', but he thought better of it, "I uh… just wanted to make plans for New Years… I can call back later."

"No, that's okay – what did you have in mind?"

"Just a late dinner - a couple of movies or something?"

"Sure, sounds great. You making?"

"Of course. Want me to come over there?"

"Actually, do you mind if I come over there? I need to get out of this apartment. I think I've got cabin fever." She yawned loudly when her voice trailed off to a murmur.

"Works for me. But then we'll have to forego the movies. I gave that TV I had to Matts. Is there anything special you want me to fix? You know… in honour of the New Year?"

His question was met by nothing but silence initially, then eventually by the sound of a soft snore.

"Mac!"

"Jeez, Harm – stop yelling, will ya?"

"I wasn't yelling."  
"You always speak at 130 decibels? How did I miss that before?"

"I was trying to wake you up!"

"I wasn't sleeping!"

"Mac, you were snoring."

She sighed with annoyance, "I don't snore, Harm."

"Oh really? Prove it."

There was a moment of silence as it occurred to Mac exactly what gaining that proof would entail. She opened her eyes and was suddenly very much awake. "Ha… very smooth, Flyboy."

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Ms. MacKenzie."

"Good night, Harm."

"Uh… that would be morning, but yeah."

"Whatever. Say 'hey' to Mattie for me."

"Roger that."

_end flashback_

He was still smiling when he exited the kitchen and handed Mac the thermos.

"What's this?"

"You'll see." Harm grabbed two big folded blankets out of his bedroom closet. "Get your coat, Mac."

"Where are we going?"

Harm grabbed her by the hand and led her out the door, into the hallway and through the door that clearly read "Stairwell to Roof"

"Harm, it's got to be 12 degrees outside!"

Harm baulked at her dramatically "Hardly! But what's the matter, Marine? Can't take a little cold weather? I thought you guys were trained for the elements?"  
Mac was about to respond when they exited onto the roof and she spied two lounge chairs with a small, round patio table between them. She looked at Harm suspiciously "You planned this?"

Harm grinned. "They're going to have fireworks over at The Mall, Mac. We'll get a great show from here…" he held up the thermos beside his head and shook it back and forth, "I brought hot chocolate…"

Mac grinned at his antics, "…actually it sounds like fun." She took a quick look around the edge of the rooftop as Harm set down the thermos and blankets. "Wow, I haven't been up here in years…" she chuckled slightly, "… I see they finally fixed the drain pipe after Bud broke it off that time."

Harm laughed. "Yeah – that was broken for awhile… c'mon, Marine – it's almost time…" He looked up as she walked slowly across the rooftop towards him, then poured her hot chocolate with a dramatic flourish. "There you are, madam. Chateau Rabb's finest. Aged a whole twenty minutes."

Mac laughed as she made herself comfortable and pulled the blanket around her shoulders. As Harm sat down in the other lounge, she leaned back, staring off into the darkness with a small smirk on her lips. "You know… if I didn't know better, Commander… I'd almost say you were trying to seduce me."

Harm eyed her warily and then watched the chocolate concoction as he swirled it around in his cup. "Don't you think it's time, Mac?"

TBC


	4. The Four Percent Solution Pt 3

31 DECEMBER 2004  
2344 LOCAL  
HARM'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION

Mac was startled for a moment. She hadn't really expected him to admit as much – at least without a little prodding or cryptology thrown in on the side. As she considered his words carefully, a new thought invaded her mind and she visibly relaxed into the chair. "Hmm… you must be getting old."

"Why?"

"Because you're finally succumbing to your back-up plan." Mac smiled cynically and took a sip of her drink. "You know, as honored as I am to finally be deemed worthy of the great Harmon Rabb, I think I'll pass. I don't want to be anyone's 'fall back girl'."

Harm dropped his head back against the webbing of the lounge and stared up into the night sky. "Is that really what you think?"

Mac scoffed. "Harm, I think it's pretty obvious…"

"Well you're wrong." Harm immediately turned on her as he cut her off. For a moment all they could do was watch one another as if daring the other to look away first. Finally, Harm closed his eyes and stared upwards again with a sigh. "Mac… you know full well… the rules about fraternization are bad enough in the UCMJ, but with us…" he shook his head in frustration, "… I mean, if there had ever been any kind of serious talk of a relationship between us, the whole 'appearance of impropriety' thing would have killed us as partners. We never would have tried a case together again, whether opposing counsel or co-chair. One of us most likely would have been transferred out in an instant."

Mac stared ahead and sipped her hot chocolate. "Didn't stop you with Kate."

"Mac…" he sighed "… I liked Kate… I really did. But I was young then and didn't fully realize the ramifications of what I was doing." He teased her with a grin, "Surely **_you_** can understand that one?"

She rolled her eyes at him in response.

"Kate kinda threw me, Mac. I did really like her, and I guess I was surprised when I found out… well… that it wasn't really what I thought it was."

"What do you mean?"

"Well…" he cringed, "…you know…as it turned out, Kate liked **_everybody_**?"

Mac laughed. "Are you saying she just used you for sexual pleasure?"

"I don't know." Harm blushed. "But I think I learned from that experience. For the first time I got to appreciate what it was like to be sort of serious about someone who wasn't serious in return." Harm smiled nodded his head. "I also learned that you shouldn't sleep with your co-workers."

"Amen."

"I guess I knew she wasn't 'the one' or anything, but it was still surprisingly hard, and maybe that had a lot to do with why I never pursued anything with you. I saw how quickly Kate and I were separated…" He shrugged helplessly and then grew serious, fingering the plastic arm of his lounge chair, "…that scared me, Mac… I mean - it was hard enough with Kate but... I really didn't want to be separated from _you_…" He shook his head again and laughed slightly to break the heaviness of the moment. "As it is, I can't believe we didn't get nailed for it anyway… I mean, we sure argued enough to be in a relationship… I'm sure everyone thought we were sleeping together."

Mac took a deep breath. "Well I'm sure that didn't hurt **_your_** rep any."

"My **_rep_**?!" Harm turned to her in astonishment. "What, are we in **_High School_**?!"

"Well, I'm sorry – but from a strictly female perspective, I think you got the better end of the deal. You came off as 'Studly Hungwell - Fighter Jock' and I was just plain ol' 'Mac, the slut".

Harm turned to her in anger. "Mac, don't!" Suddenly his eyes turned red, his voice thick and gravely, "You know I would **_never_** have let anyone say something like that about you." He also knew full well that she was right and it killed him. It had been a long time since he'd heard those type of remarks - probably the result of one particular evening at McMurphy's many years ago. Gunny had surely saved his career that night by stopping his arm in mid-swing. But he couldn't help it, he'd seen red and as a result, no one ever repeated it in his presence again. In his gut however, he knew that didn't mean it still wasn't being said.

Her features softened and she smiled slightly. "I know, Harm. I suppose I can't hold you personally responsible for the social norms of the U.S. Military, can I?" After a moment, she risked a glance in his direction again. "So, was it worth it?" She picked a piece of lint off of the blanket. "The trade off, I mean?"

Harm looked away in pain. "Please don't ask me that, Mac. I don't know the answer. Truthfully, I'm afraid to think too hard about it. It's just… done now. There's nothing we can do to change it." Harm took a deep breath and forged ahead. "I guess I never imagined that we'd be stationed together for so long. I figured eventually our billets would change and… I don't know… things would somehow work themselves out." He looked away again in frustration.

"And so now what's changed. We're still working together."

Harm laughed. "Well, that's a bit of a stretch considering how many cases we've been assigned together lately. I can't help wondering if someone's trying to separate us as it is." He took a sip of his drink. "I guess things are just different now. My priorities have changed. Work just doesn't seem as important as it once did…" he cast a glance at her to see how she was reacting to all of this. "…and I'm tired of just being your colleague." When Mac didn't respond, he forged ahead. "Look, all I know is that we're still here… and we still have the future."

Mac smiled, "Aha – as I suspected. You're hitting a midlife crisis and your biological clock is ticking. I **_am_** your 'fallback girl'."

"Mac…" Harm was becoming agitated. She was putting up walls and he had learned long ago that it was pointless to argue with her.

"So what happens if we get separated now?"

"What?" He was so busy trying to come up with a new tactic, her question caught him completely off-guard.

"Well, it's entirely conceivable, Harm. The Navy 0-6 board reports out in April… you're in zone this year…"

Harm froze for a moment, then shook his head "I suppose it's possible, but not likely with that 'Paraguay thing' last year."

Mac reddened. "Yeah – did I mention I was sorry about that?"

Harm grunted amicably, "Many times. Listen Mac – you know how small the JAG Corps is. Everyone probably knows or has at least heard rumours as to what happened. I'm sure **_my_** 'rep' as a hot-head is going to be well known to that board."

Mac shrugged. "I don't know, Harm. They're pretty squeezed for Senior Staff these days, if they're looking to fill a CO position somewhere it may very easily be you or Sturgis."

"Or you."

Mac nodded. "Or me." She watched him as he stared off in the distance and appeared to be in heavy thought. "Just hypothetically, what would we do if something like that happened and one of us got a new billet somewhere else?"

Harm turned and looked at her, he had butterflies at just the thought of all of this, but he didn't let on. "Well, I'd say we'd have to sit down and seriously discuss some things…" He turned away when his nerves got the better of him and shrugged his shoulders, "…but at the very least, I'd come visit you every chance I got." He grinned that smile he used when he was trying to back out of an uncomfortable situation.

Mac looked unconvinced. "Harm, you rarely ever visit me when we live in the same **_city_**."

"Well I would change that if you'd let me!"

"Well I won't **_let_** you until you've got a better answer than **_that! _**"

"Oh for…" He took a deep breath and decided a new tactic. "You know, Mac… a very wise person once told me that if you analyze a relationship too much, you kill it."

"Oh really?" Mac looked away and shivered.

"Yeah… so shut up and come over here."

Shocked, but attempting to smother a grin nonetheless, Mac turned to him with her mouth slightly agape. "What? Why?"

Harm threw up his arms in mock frustration. "Because it's almost midnight and you're cold!"

"I am not!"

"Marine… will you just be agreeable for once?" He indicated his chair with his eyes. "C'mon… humor an aging aviator will ya? I won't bite, I promise."

Mac couldn't help chuckling at him and after only a slight hesitation, she picked herself up and crossed the few steps to his chair.

Harm straightened and placed his feet on ground either side of the recliner. He smiled and patted the chair between his legs. "Better than sleeping with the scorpions… or penguins, as the case may be…"

She shook her head and dropped into place. Harm opened the blanket, allowing her to lean back against his chest, and then he wrapped his blanket around her as well. When she was somewhat settled, he put his feet back up on the chair, playfully entwining his legs with hers. Chuckling again, she shook her head. "Will I ever stop giving you your way all the time?"

"What?!... You don't…" just then the first of the fireworks exploded in the air, signaling the onset of the New Year. "… Shhhh, Mac – look it's starting."

A quiet contentedness came over them as they watched the show - each allowing themselves to be mesmerized by the colors and patterns in the black sky, and each taking in the warmth of the other's presence – no matter what it's pretext. After a few moments, Harm finally spoke. "Happy New Year, Mac." He raised his cup of hot chocolate off the table and offered her a toast. Mac raised hers in kind.

"Happy New Year, Harm"

"May this year be better than the last."

Mac smiled sadly. "Amen."

They each took sips of the warm beverage and placed them back on the table, resuming their former positions almost immediately. Mac had no sooner let herself get drawn back into the display, when she heard a low voice at her left ear. "So, do I still get my kiss this year?"

Mac turned her head and looked back at him, eyebrows raised in sarcasm.

Harm looked offended. "C'mon, Mac… I mean, it's become a tradition… of sorts…"

Mac just smiled at him. "It has, huh?"

"Sure…" Harm shrugged and tried to suppress a smirk.

Mac considered him a moment longer. "Well… I wouldn't want to mess with a tradition. That would be bad luck."

Harm pulled her further into his arms; now he was mesmerized not by the fireworks, but by her lips so close to his. "Sure would be…" Slowly, they leaned into one another. Their lips pressed together softly – almost reverently – as Harm brought his left hand to the side of her face. He wanted the kiss to last forever – her lips were cold and tasted like chocolate and she was driving him wild - but he also knew that he was still on shaky ground. As he felt it was about to end, he made one last desperate plea with his bottom lip. Just a little extra caress to let her know that this was more than their previous chaste Holiday kisses, and at the same time, hoping to give her a little taste of what was to come if she would only let him. He didn't give her time to protest however, and before the movement had even registered with her, he pulled back to look in her eyes. He liked what he saw the instant before she put the walls firmly back into place again. In that moment he saw desire, and what he desperately hoped might even be love. "Wow… I think I just saw fireworks." he grinned.

The moment broken, much to Mac's relief, she elbowed him playfully in the stomach. "Stop trying to distract me, will ya?"

He pulled her closer to his chest as she turned back towards the show again, relieved that she couldn't see the gigantic grin adorning his face. For the first time in a long time he had some solid hope. If he could just drive this ship with due care, he might just bring her safely home after all.

TBC


	5. Automatic for the People Pt 1

4 JANUARY 2005  
1800 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA

Harm felt badly leaving for China Lake without letting Mac know somehow. He wasn't quite sure why – he hadn't always told her where he was going in the past – but it just felt like since Christmas, things had changed, and it was now something he just ought to do. He wondered about calling her on her cell, but hadn't wanted to disturb her in case she had forgotten to turn it off during the deposition. He was reclining in his office chair, lightly chewing on the end of a coffee stir stick, when inspiration finally struck.

4 JANUARY 2005  
2020 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA

Mac entered the office after a long and tiring drive in traffic. When she noticed Harm's office dark and deserted, she became curious and caught Coates as she bustled by. "Good Afternoon, Petty Officer." She smiled casually, "Ah… Commander Rabb wouldn't happen to be around anywhere…?"

Coates grinned inwardly, she didn't know who Colonel MacKenzie thought she was fooling with that fake, indifferent attitude. "Ma'am, the Commander was sent on a JAGMAN investigation to China Lake earlier this afternoon".

"California?" Mac regretted her exasperation the minute it was out of her mouth, she certainly hadn't intended to let it slip out that way.

Fearful that the Colonel was going to fall into one of her infamous 'moods', Coates responded uneasily, "That's… the only… China Lake I'm aware of, Ma'am."

"Right. Thanks, Coates." Mac recovered as quickly as she could and strode towards her office. She had no idea why she was so bothered. Harm certainly had no obligation to let her know his comings and goings. Besides, she was the one that was holding off on their relationship… why **_should_** he have let her know? She pulled her cell phone out of her purse and double checked it, just to be sure she hadn't missed a call from him, but there were no messages. As she slumped back into her chair, her hand automatically reaching into her desk for her favourite 'comfort snack', she considered why this bothered her so much. Was it really because Harm hadn't let her know he was going, or was it just because she had gotten used to his company over these last couple of weeks? It was a nice, safe place where they were right now. No lines had been crossed, no heavy relationship 'can of worms' had been opened, they were just enjoying each other's company with a casual closeness that had been lacking for far too long. Sadly, she realized this was something she was going to miss in his absence. Just at that moment, her hand made contact with something that shouldn't have been inside the plastic bag she always kept inside the top, right hand drawer of her desk. She withdrew the folded piece of stationary to reveal a handwritten note, _'from the desk of Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. USN';_

_Hey Mac, _

Just wanted to let you know that I'm off to China Lake for an investigation. I didn't want to bother you on your cell in case you were in the middle of the depo. I know how you forget to turn it off sometimes, Marine (wink). I'll call you when I get to the BOQ. Maybe I'll even drum up some weather reports or water temperatures for ya (wink again).

Talk to you soon,

Harm

Mac smiled and felt a bit of a lump in her throat. It wasn't simply the knowledge that he actually **_had_** left her a note afterall, and it wasn't because the note was all that personal – she understood that since he'd left it in her office, he couldn't have made it more personal, even if he'd wanted to. No, the thing that caused her sudden bout of rumination wasn't all that, but **_where_** he'd left it. So many years of her seriously wondering whether Harm noticed anything about her other than she was a good friend and handy in the courtroom, and now he'd surprised her by placing the note exactly where he knew she, and nobody else, would be sure to find it… in her supposedly 'secret' stash of blue M&Ms.

7 JANUARY 2005  
1235 ZULU  
NAVAL AIR WARFARE CENTER  
CHINA LAKE, CALIFORNIA

Harm sat alone in the hangar coffee room, waiting to board the C-17 and pondering the events of the last few days – especially the kiss Megan Ransford had laid on him not three hours ago. He had to admit – it had felt good. A woman hadn't planted a 'surprise kiss' on him since… he thought about it for a second and then chuckled… it must have been that Romanian Princess. The thought made him quickly sober. He sure had it all going for him back then. Now, he had to admit… he had aged. Mac had certainly called him out on that one. He could see his features changing in the mirror morning after morning. All his life he had avoided being sucked into a long term relationship with a woman because he never felt ready, now he was ready and he couldn't seem to convince **_anyone_** to be interested in him, let alone the only woman he really wanted to be with. Well, except for Megan it seemed. Megan was interesting, he'd give her that, and in his younger days he might have considered sleeping with her, but now, he just wasn't interested. Over the past 9 years only one woman had continually kept a hold over him - he'd come to grips with that now - he just didn't know if there was anything he could do about it. He took a deep breath and twirled his cover in his hands. "How did life sneak up on you so fast, Rabb?" No sooner had he spoken his thoughts aloud, than his cell phone rang.

"Rabb."

"Hey, Sailor."

Harm didn't think any other voice would ever have the power to make him feel so good, so fast. "Hey - there's my brunette." he grinned.

"Squeeze me?"

"Please tell me that was a Freudian slip."

"Negative – what's with the 'brunette' comment?"

"Nothing – I'll explain later. What's up?"

Mac shook her head to get past the confusing conversation and proceeded. "Well, I was just in speaking to the General and he mentioned you'd wrapped up your investigation. Are you on your way home?"

"Yup, just sitting here waiting to board as we speak."

"Good… because, well I wondered… if you'd like to come over to my place tonight? **_I_** could fix dinner this time."

If possible, Harm's smile got even bigger. "Well, well, well… if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to seduce me…"

"Very funny, Rabb. I just thought I'd repay you for all those meals you made for me over Christmas. You know… just a way to say thanks… And since I know you cabbed it, I'll even throw in a free ride from Andrews."

Harm was more than pleasantly surprised. "Wow, Mac… thanks. I accept."

This time it was Mac's turn to smile. "Great, what time does your flight get in?"

Shaking his head in a pleasant daze, Harm retrieved the manifest from his inside jacket pocket and unfolded the page. "Uhhh… 18:40."

"Great – I'll see you then."

"Sure… uh… Mac?"

Harm didn't know what had caused this lucky turn of events for him, but if the Gods were somehow involved, he wanted to make sure he showed sufficient gratitude "Thanks."

Mac smiled. It felt good to do this. "My pleasure. Take care."

"See ya." Harm clicked off his cell and stared at it. "Oh it'll be your pleasure all right, if I get my way…"

8 JANUARY 2005  
0150 ZULU  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
WASHINGTON, DC

Mac and Harm sat at her dining room table enjoying light-hearted conversation while they ate. Harm hadn't wanted to comment on the atmosphere in her place – the lights were low, she'd brought out the candles… things seemed conspicuously _date-like_ – but he didn't want to push his luck by bringing it up. He figured sometimes it was just better to enjoy. They had been discussing Harm's case for the last twenty minutes as they ate. Mac thought the whole thing had been very interesting, but she was slightly more than concerned to learn that he had been surrounded by women on this trip. She hadn't quite decided whether to be jealous of Graves, Megan or both, but she knew she absolutely hated being jealous and so tried to banish the thoughts from her head entirely. "So, did you manage to get Larmoss Industries to pay up?"

Harm leaned back and winked at her – he had been proud of this part. "Oh, I sure did."

Mac smiled – leave it to Harm to come through for the damsel in distress. "How much?"

"One point five mil."

Mac bobbed her head and smiled. "I'm impressed, Flyboy. So, was Ms Ransford equally appreciative?"

Suddenly, Harm became uncomfortable. Leaning forward again, he picked up his fork and resumed pushing food around his plate. He didn't meet her eyes when he spoke, but a small grin peaked out anyway "Yeah, she was **_quite_** appreciative…"

Mac couldn't believe what she was hearing. She had been afraid that something like this would happen if she went through the effort of trying to trust him again, but she couldn't quite believe he would outright throw it in her face. When she finally found her voice, it was a combination of raw emotion, accusation, and disbelief. "You **_slept_** with her."

TBC


	6. Automatic for the People Pt 2

8 JANUARY 2005  
0154 ZULU  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
WASHINGTON, DC

Harm immediately choked. He certainly never intended for her to infer **_that_** from his remark. He had to admit, he was hoping for a little jealousy on her part – but nothing like that! He sat bolt upright and shook his head vigorously, successfully dislodging a piece of black olive from his throat in the process. "No! I swear to God, Mac!" He had a queasy feeling in his stomach and knew he could easily lose control of the situation if he didn't do some fancy footwork - and fast. His lawyer brain whirring, he decided indignancy would be his greatest asset - in fact, he realized he actually **_was_** a little indignant. "Geez, what do you take me for anyway MacKenzie?" He shook his head slightly and looked down at his pasta. "She just… sort of… you know…" he looked back up again to judge how badly the collateral damage would be as he said this "… kissed me."

"Kissed you."

"Yeah."

"As in, a 'peck on the cheek' kissed you or 'stuck her tongue down your throat'?"

Harm shifted in his chair and swallowed, looking increasingly uncomfortable again.

"Oh my God – she stuck her tongue down your throat!"

"No! I mean… well…" Harm chuckled uneasily, "… it was certainly no peck on the cheek."

Mac was trying very hard not to over-react. She knew she had no hold on him one way or another, but she was starting to have hope and this hurt nonetheless.

Watching her struggle, Harm tried to ease her fears. "Ma-ac… she kissed me on the front step of her house… in public… in front of Lt. Graves… and then I got in the car and drove away. That was all there was to it."

Mac chuckled sarcastically. "That's probably not all she wanted there to be to it."

"Well, maybe not, but she's out of luck." Harm shrugged defensively and got up from the table. He couldn't believe this – he didn't even do anything wrong and he was getting blamed for it.

Mac watched him pick up his plate and take it into the kitchen. She hated it when she did this, but being jealous of Harm had long been an element of her character she had trouble controlling. Truth be told, she was getting sick of it. She stood and followed him through the doorway. For a moment there was an uncomfortable silence as Harm started to rinse of his plate off in the sink.  
"I'm sorry, Harm."

He just shrugged again. Not having had sex in so long was frustrating enough. Getting accused of it when he was innocent was definitely rubbing salt in an open wound. "S'okay" he mumbled.

Attempting to lighten the mood and distract him from her slightly embarrassing outburst, Mac walked over and playfully hip-checked him out of the way of the sink as she began rinsing off her own plate. "So… did you at least enjoy it?"

Harm let out a breath and stared at the ceiling for a moment. He wondered briefly if things would ever be normal between the two of them. Putting his plate on the counter, he turned to look at her. "Actually, I enjoyed the idea that someone out there still finds me desirable."

Mac looked down and nodded her head. Suddenly she understood. It must be hard for an aging jet jock – especially one as good looking as Harm – to find himself over 40 with no conceivable love life on the horizon. She hesitated for a moment, wondering if she should venture into this territory, but decided to go for broke anyway. "Harm..." she sighed, "... I **_do_** find you desirable... if that's what you're asking..."

Harm leaned against the counter in a provocative way and smiled. "You do?" He flirted, moving slightly towards her personal space.

Mac smiled and held her ground, "I always have... but, I just..." she looked down, suddenly uncomfortable with the turn of the conversation.

"But you're not interested anymore, are you?" He looked away and shook his head sadly, "I screwed it all up, didn't I?"

She reached up to lightly soothe his shoulder, "No, Harm… that's not it… I just... can't think straight right now." She leaned back against the counter and crossed her arms. "I'm just still a little messed up over this past year... with everything, you know?"

"I know, Mac." He nodded his head. "It's OK." After a moment of silence, he reached out and stroked her forearm with his finger. "Well... I should probably take off. I'll see you in the morning."

"OK." She whispered quietly. She felt strangely agitated by his presence, but also unwilling to let him go right at this moment either. Grasping at straws to try and delay his departure as long as possible, she spoke the first thing that came to her mind as they made their way through living room. "You know, you never did email me those weather reports and ocean temps like you promised."

Harm smiled. "Mac – it's January – it really wasn't all that warm. It barely made 65 the whole time."

"Hey – 65 sounds great to me." She sighed. "I could sure use the opportunity to shake these winter blues."

He stopped at the door and turned to her. "Yeah, the weather has been pretty miserable lately, hasn't it?"

"Yeah, it's pretty bad when 65 degrees gets you excited."

Harm couldn't resist the opening and cocked his eyebrow suggestively. "Gee, Marine – care to share what **_else_** gets you excited?"

Mac laughed in surprise and had trouble closing her mouth. If this was his bedroom voice, she didn't want to **_begin_** to imagine what else he was capable of. "Alright Harm, I… uh… think you'd better be going." She reached for the door to usher him out.

Before exiting, Harm suddenly stopped and turned back towards her. "But we established that you find me desirable, right?"

Mac smiled and shook her head. "Yes, Harm."

"What part?"

"What?"

"What is it about me that you find desirable? I mean, is it my handsomely rugged good looks, charming wit… what?"

Taken slightly aback, Mac simply gawked at him for a moment. She couldn't believe he was outright asking her a question like this. Didn't women fawn over him enough to satisfy his ego?

"C'mon, Mac… there's gotta be something. Just tell me one thing you find desirable about me and I'll leave."

Mac blew the bangs off of her forehead. "Uh… I don't know… okay… well…" Mac snickered and wondered briefly if divulging this information would be such a good idea. "...uh… stir sticks."

Harm's eyebrows raised in confusion. "Stir sticks?"

Blushing, Mac shifted her weight to her other foot. "Yeah, you have this habit of… keeping those plastic coffee stir sticks in your mouth… much, much longer than necessary for their originally intended purpose."

Harm leaned heavily on the door jamb and shook his head with intrigue. He wanted to ask her a question but none would quite make it to the forefront of his brain. "I see… **_and_**…?"

"…**_and_**…" she fidgeted nervously, "…watching you… play with said stir stick… has been known to…"

Harm thought he was going to fall over he was leaning so far forward. "… known to what?"

"Well, you know… arouse me…"

Suddenly all the air rushed from Harm's lungs. He tried to laugh in elation but it only made him choke. "Arouse you!? Oh my God, Mac…"

Mac threw up her hands to halt him before he got started. "Good Lord, Harm - you sound worse than that DiNozzo creep over at NCIS…"

"But, Mac…!"

"That was a gift Harm – to make up for the whole… Megan Ransford… confusion, there at supper. But don't get carried away with it!"

"A gift?! Mac, that was an entire ARSENAL!"

"I absolutely FORBID you to use that information against me!"

Harm grinned. "So, for example, I shouldn't start carrying a supply of stir sticks in my breast pocket…"

"No!"

"Shouldn't bring one into the courtroom to distract you during cross-examinations…?"

"Harm! I swear to God…"

He just grinned at her happily for a moment. "Okay, Marine. I concede. But, just so I have this straight… you do find me desirable, right?"

"Oh for Pete's sake..."

Harm grinned like a naughty schoolboy. "Okay, I can live with that..." he suddenly leaned forward into her personal space again, "...for now…" he breathed. Before she even shook herself back to awareness, he'd kissed her on the cheek and was gone.

TBC


	7. The Sixth Juror

11 JANUARY 2005  
1315 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
FALLS CHURCH, VA

"Hmm… so what's your take on _that_, Marine?" They made their way past Coates' empty desk and into the bustling bullpen.

"On what?"

"The fact that the General just insisted we take a chaperone along with us on an investigation."

Mac rolled her eyes. "Gee, I don't know… it couldn't have had anything to do with that seductive **_leer_** you just gave me right in front of him…"

"Leer?!" Harm realized too late he'd said that much too loudly and as a result, half the bullpen staff were now trying to inconspicuously glance at them through their peripheral vision. He took hold of her elbow and steered her into his office, closing the door behind him. "Leer?" He repeated with slightly less volume, "I did **_not_** leer at you – especially not seductively!"

"You did too! That whole 'looks like we might get a chance to shake those winter blues', line? It was like… your 'bedroom voice'!"

Harm crossed his arms in front of him. "And how would you know what that's like, Mac?" Shrugging, he pulled out one of his office chairs and reclined casually. "Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure I'd remember if you'd ever had an opportunity to experience _that_."

"Oh never mind…" Slightly flustered , Mac decided to skip over that whole thought entirely, "…you probably talk like that to women so often, you aren't even aware that you're doing it. Just do me a favour and don't talk like that in front of Creswell again – he knows way too much about my past to avoid jumping to conclusions."

Harm was astounded. It was also slightly disconcerting to him that someone was able to read his emotions so clearly – especially since at the time he'd said that, he actually thought he was doing a pretty good job of covering them up. "I… I'm sorry, Mac."

Her shoulders deflated as she looked at him. She hadn't meant to make him feel badly. "Look, Harm… just… whatever it is that's going on with us now… and I'm not sure I really know what that is… but whatever it is, I think it should be kept under wraps from the rest of the office, don't you?"

"Yes." He barely croaked out. He had butterflies in his stomach that were making him feel weak.

Mac noticed his sudden change of disposition. "What?"

Shaking his head, he stood and smiled in a slightly dazed manner. "Nothing… I'm just glad to hear you finally say that there's **_something_** going on between us…" He turned towards the door and his grin grew a little deeper. "… whatever it is."

12 JANUARY 2005  
2135 ZULU  
NAVAL AIR STATION KEY WEST  
BOCA CHICA, FLORIDA

"You did that on purpose."

"What?" Harm picked up his briefcase and followed Mac out of the courtroom.

"Don't play innocent with me, Harm – I saw that stir stick on the defense table in there."

Harm shook his head wearily. "Mac, Petty Officer Foyle must have left that there – it wasn't mine… honest!"

"Yeah… right."

"Listen, Mac… why would I even be trying to distract you right now? The proceedings are barely under way?"

"You're trying to get me started on the wrong foot so I'll be discombobulated throughout the trial."

"Discombobulated?"

"Don't deny it, Harm – it's obvious."

Harm shook his head again. "Mac this is ridiculous. I've had that stir stick habit my entire adult life, and now I'm supposed to stop just because I suddenly find out it makes you want to flick your…"

"Don't… you… **_dare_**…!" Mac suddenly halted and turned to face him.

"What?"

"I can't believe you were about to say that!"

"C'mon, Mac – it's a common expression – how else do you want me to say it?"

"I don't want you to say it at **_all_**!" She turned quickly and resumed their walk to the cafeteria, shaking her head in incredulity, "You know, that's the last time I ever say anything nice to you. I only wish there was a way I could take it all back."

"Well, gee Mac – maybe you could retract your statement under the 'Excited Utterance Exception' – what the hell was **_that_**, anyway?"

She stopped and spun on him again. "I WAS NOT EXCITED!"

"Shhh, Mac… keep your voice down. You don't want people to get the wrong idea, do you?" He grinned and leaned closer to her, "And yes you were excited, remember? We were talking about it being 65 degrees… if I remember correctly, that's one of the things that gets you excited, isn't it? I mean… among other things…" He straightened up and purposely donned a perplexed expression. "You know, I can't quite figure out that whole '65' thing, Marine… now '69' I could understand…"

"That's it… I'm never speaking to you again."

Harm just smiled appreciatively as he watched her march away. This was going to be **_way_** too much fun.

14 JANUARY 2005  
2135 LOCAL  
NAVAL AIR STATION KEY WEST  
BOCA CHICA, FLORIDA

Walking casually down the boardwalk, Harm explained the evidence he and Bud had uncovered that led him to believe Judge Pulone was the guilty party. By the time he had gone through his game plan for court the next morning, they found themselves strolling along an almost deserted stretch of beach.

"So, I guess you're telling me I have my work cut out for me tomorrow."

"Hey – no work to it, Mac. You just have to admit defeat and it'll be the easiest day's pay you ever earned."

Mac gave him a warning glare and strolled ahead. Having long ago kicked off her heels, she waded into the cool surf as it lapped on the shore. Harm stood watching her for a moment. In the darkness, he couldn't make out her features, but with the moon shining brilliantly off of the water he could easily see her silhouette. For at least the millionth time since he'd known her, he asked himself why he had never found a way to make this woman his.

"We don't often get to go to such relaxing destinations on assignment, Harm. I really needed this one."

Harm laughed, "Yeah, me too. Hey – we seem to have lost our chaperone. Do you think she'll report us to the General?"  
Mac dropped her head backwards and stared at the sky. "Oh, I have no idea…" she laughed and kicked at the water with her toes. "… and more importantly I just don't care anymore. He already told me he's not 'watching me', so I'm just going to try and take him at face value on that. Right now, I just want to enjoy this beach for as long as I can." She made her last statement a plea to the sky, or whoever else might be listening. As she turned around, she was surprised to find Harm standing right by her arm. The look in his eye flustered her in more than one way – not all of them bad.

"Mac..." he cleared his throat and spoke quietly, "… I hate to keep bringing this up. It's just that I want you to know… some day... when the time is right... I'd like to take you some place like this. Maybe... you know... we could have a vacation from work... get rid of the pressures... just the two of us." Harm found that his heart was in his throat – this was probably one of the most important things he'd asked Mac – and more importantly, how she responded would give him an idea about whether he really had a chance with her anymore.

Mac was finding it hard to concentrate. Ever since the idea that a relationship with Harm may be less of a 'concept' and more something that had the potential to be 'imminent', she was finding it hard to be around him. The very idea that at some point in the possible near future, that mass of solid body before her could be explored in more ways than she'd ever imagined, even made **_breathing_** a difficult chore. "I thought you once said 'location doesn't change who we are'"

"It doesn't" he returned and stepped closer. He couldn't help himself – she was intoxicating. Leaning forward slowly, he took her lips and kissed her gently before she could object - hoping to God that the atmosphere of the beach, the ocean and the moonlight, would all conspire to sway her to his desires. When she responded to his kiss, he lost all sense of reason. It was like he was once again back on the Admiral's porch and all he wanted was to caress every inch of her, to finally know her inside and out. For the past 40 minutes, the more animalistic parts of his brain had been imagining ways to get under that dress she was wearing. The down-right caveman parts were too impatient for even that and had been devising a plan to just throw her over the nearest rock and hike it up around her waist. He still hadn't come to a conclusion which one he preferred when his lips touched hers and all was lost. Without even being conscious of what he was doing, Harm's hand skimmed down her side, over her hip and caressed the length of her thigh. Unfortunately, it was exactly that action that was his downfall, for it caused Mac to suddenly snap back into consciousness. When his fingers traveled ever so lightly back up her thigh and under the hem of her skirt, she had to break away from him entirely.

Mac just stood there for a moment with one hand on her lips and the other lightly placed over her whirling stomach. She couldn't believe how that had all happened so fast. One minute they had just been talking, the next she had been in his arms. And the scariest part was that while she was there, she had desperately wanted more.

"I'm sorry, Mac…"

"No, Harm… it's OK… I'm the one who's sorry. I just can't…"

"You keep saying that. Do you mean you **_can't_** or you **_won't_**?"

"I just can't… not yet."

Harm laughed lightly and rubbed the back of his neck. "Is this supposed to be some sort of divine retribution?"

"I'm just telling you how I feel, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Mac – it's my fault…" he wiped his fingers over his forehead. "I didn't mean to… I just couldn't seem to help myself…" He looked away in frustration, cringing at how lame that sounded even to himself. "Look…just tell me there's the hint of a possibility here. Tell me that I'm not beating a dead horse. Because if I am, I won't bother you again – I promise. I won't like it… but I'll respect your decision."

"Harm… I just need to have more time."

Harm nodded his head, but was still frustrated. "OK…" He took a deep, calming breath and released it. "…but I think in the meantime it's not a good idea for me to be alone around you. Maybe Creswell was right about this whole chaperone thing." He turned and started to walk away down the beach.

Mac suddenly felt ill. The last thing she wanted was for him to leave her there alone. And she certainly didn't want him to be upset with her. She silently damned the emotional frailties that kept her at arms length from this man. She had quickly come to realize that her **_body_** certainly didn't want to be at arms length from him, so why couldn't she just get over this fear and take the leap? Before she could even start to consider how awkward this was going to be at work tomorrow, Harm suddenly stopped and turned around.

Looking at her expectantly, he shoved his hands in his pockets. "Will you come **_on_**, Marine – it's getting cold out here."

Relieved that maybe he wasn't so mad at her after all, she quickly caught up and fell into step beside him, tentatively trying to gauge his mood. Harm noticed her out of the corner of his eye and knew exactly what she was thinking. Without saying a word, he playfully bumped her hip with his, and chuckled as she stumbled a few steps across the sand. Accepting his retaliation as a measured response, they continued forward in a content silence.

"Some day, Marine." He smirked at her.

"Some day, what?" she taunted him.

Without losing his grin, he shrugged slightly. "Someday you're gonna be sorry you waited so long."

Mac shook her head and laughed. "Oh I am, am I?"

"Oh yeah…" He replied seductively.

TBC


	8. Heart of Darkness

7 FEBRUARY 2005

0213 ZULU

UNITED AIRLINES FLIGHT 109  
SOMEWHERE OVER NORTH AMERICA

Unable to find a comfortable position for his exhausted body and tormented by the still unresolved relationship with his partner, Harm finally turned in his seat, hitching one knee onto the armrest between them, and resigned himself to watch her as she slept.

It had been a depressing trip. Depressing terrain, depressing population, depressing case that had once again reeked of how powerless he was over certain issues… and he hated being powerless. Yet that's exactly what he was in so many ways – one of them sitting right there in front of him at this very moment.

It had been a depressing two weeks preceding this as well, void of the kind of closeness he and Mac had been sharing since Christmas. He had cursed himself for ever saying aloud that he didn't want to be alone around her anymore. Truth was, he would have killed to be around her – alone or otherwise. He would have behaved. But his stupid pride had forced him to make good on his claim and as a result, he had been miserable.

His only consolation was that Mac didn't seem any happier than him. In fact, she had taken to calling him late in the evenings – after she had gone to bed he suspected. The phone calls were never very long, not about anything in particular, and a lot of the time nothing much was really said. It was as if she just needed to hear his voice – to confirm that he was still there. It was intensely frustrating. He felt like he was so close… that he just needed one more piece of the puzzle. It reminded him of that stupid book that Frank had made him read recently – like he just needed one more letter to open this labyrinthine puzzle, and all the secrets of the 'Holy Grail that was Mac' would be his. He chuckled inwardly thinking of that book and how 'corporal mortification' didn't seem like a bad alternative to what he'd been experiencing of late.

He just wished he knew what was going on in that brain of hers – what was holding her back. Secretly he suspected it was the job and he couldn't blame her. The Marines were her life – they'd saved her from a drunken, blue-collar, trailer trash fate, and instead had created a beautiful, respected, squared away, senior military officer and lawyer. And she'd done so much to get over that whole Farrow thing – she'd probably never live it down in her own mind - but she'd gotten over it career wise, and she was more than right to be afraid of going anywhere near that kind of a situation again. Did he have a right to keep tempting her like this? Maybe it **_was_** unfair.

He also had long since recognized the fact that Mac had abandonment issues. It was bad enough losing a parent as a child, but to have one willingly desert you – especially a mother - seemed almost unbearable. He realized long ago that Mac was struggling against her ingrained fear of being alone – that it wasn't her first choice, but she did it specifically to avoid being controlled by her fears. A few times she had given into those fears and he had hated her for it – but he certainly understood, and knew it had been partly his own fault for never being brave enough to try for her himself. For never finding out once and for all what she had been suggesting that night in Sydney. When he was finally scared into being ready three years ago, his actions had simply chased her away to the Guadalcanal to hunker down and lick her wounds. When she came back, she had recovered, but unfortunately had one more layer of Teflon for her troubles.

No, Mac wasn't perfect by any means, she was complicated, but so was he, and that in itself was one of the many things he loved about her. Unfortunately it was that complication that also confused him. He didn't understand why Mac was fighting him. The only solution besides her career that came to mind was that, although she might be sexually attracted to him, she recognized that she didn't really love him and as such, she was trying desperately to avoid another situation like what happened with Mic. If that was the case, she was right. As much as Harm was crazy about this woman, he knew he could never be like Brumby – he could never just go on with his life if a relationship with her didn't work. He wasn't sure what he would do, but he was pretty sure it would involve climbing under the bedcovers and never coming out… living on the street with a bottle and a tin cup for change sounded tempting as well…

As it turned out, his partner was not asleep. She too had been contemplating her life and all the reasons that were preventing her from reaching out and claiming the only man she had ever loved with all her heart. But with Harm next to her, it wasn't long before she became acutely aware of being watched. She turned sympathetically to him and studied his face. Reaching up, she gently stroked her thumb under the puffy circle below his eye and then smoothed her hand over the slight stubble on his cheek. "You look tired" she stated softly, with compassion.

Harm opened his eyes from fighting the almost overwhelming emotions brought on by the touch of her hand. "So do you."

She laughed slightly in agreement, unconsciously attempting to straighten herself up.

Harm caught her wrist as she tried to brush non-existent wrinkles from her jeans. "I said you looked tired – I never said you didn't look beautiful."

Unprepared for his response, she stared into his eyes in a rare moment of unguarded emotion. Just as quickly she then turned away again, shaking her head while her eyes misted with tears. "You must really hate me" she whispered.

Harm sighed tiredly. "Do I **_look_** like I hate you?" His eyebrow hitched in mild accusation.

Mac considered him nervously and shook her head. "No," she rubbed her palms on the thighs of her jeans habitually and chuckled, "but you look like you're thinking **_something_**."

Harm briefly debated his next words but forged ahead anyway. Sometimes he thought he really had nothing to lose anymore when it came to her. "Just wondering whether I'll ever get the opportunity to make love to you before I'm too old to 'get it up'."

"Harm…" Mac trailed off in sudden emotion. She shook her head as if trying to remove the unexpected stupor.

"I'm sorry, Mac. I shouldn't have…"

She just laughed "No Harm, don't apologize. It was a little blunt, and not what I was expecting… but…" She shifted positions and looked out the window briefly before she continued. "Harm …being with you is… well, it's probably inevitable but…"

Harm turned sharply forward in his seat again, shaking his head in amusement and disbelief. "Gee, you really know how to deflate a guy's ego, don't you, Marine?"

"What?"

"Ma-ac – **_death_** is **_inevitable_**! I was kind of hoping that being with me might be something you…" he waived his hand in the air aimlessly, "… Oh, I don't know… **_highly anticipated_** maybe?"

Mac smiled briefly and leaned back in her seat, but quickly turned to the window when her emotions crept up on her once again.

He looked at her guiltily out of the corner of his eye. "Hey," he said softly, "I'm sorry. I said no pressure. I meant it. I know I shouldn't be talking like this, it's just that I'm tired and I let my frustrations get the better of me…" he shook his head helplessly as his voice trailed off.

Mac smoothed her hand over her mouth and tried not to let her tired state allow her body to betray her emotions. This trip had been physically and mentally exhausting for both of them. After a moment, she collected herself again. "Harm… I just need you to know… this isn't your fault… I'm just…" She almost couldn't bring herself to say the word, "… afraid."

Harm quickly slipped his hand into hers for comfort. "Mac, you don't have to be afraid. I'd be good to you…" he couldn't help the vulnerable exasperation in his voice, "…do you think I wouldn't be good to you?"

Mac folded her knuckles into her upper lip and closed her eyes. "No…" she shook her head silently. "… that's not it..."

"Mac, what is it?" He implored. "Tell me, maybe I could help."

She closed her eyes. These were fears she had only verbalized to McCool before. She didn't know if she could risk verbalizing them to Harm. What if he thought she was psychotic or something?

His voice was barely a whisper. "Mac… please."

"Harm…" she stated helplessly and then sighed. "It's just that… sometimes I think you're **_way_** too high risk?"

Harm's brow furrowed in confusion. "What? Why do…?" he almost said 'why do people keep telling me that' but he thought better of where that conversation might lead. "Mac… I don't understand. What does that mean exactly?"

She turned her body towards him, her eyes watery with frustration. "Well, among other things, it means… all this… tension between us over the years… it's been great for keeping you interested." She shook her head in amusement, "I mean, that whole 'not being able to have what you want' element. Well, what happens after… if we, you know… and then after awhile… that wears off. What am I supposed to do when there's nothing left to interest you anymore?"

"Mac, that's **_not_** going to happen!"

"Are you sure? How can you be so sure?"

"Mac – I just know! But this is unfair – you're asking me to prove something that's impossible to prove!"

Mac bit her lip and sat back in her seat again. "That's the hell of it." She shook her head helplessly. "Harm, I know my fears are unreasonable, but I can't help it. You overwhelm me – you always have. Although, when I was younger I thought I could handle it. Now… after everything… it's like my nerves are so frayed… I'm not sure I can take that emotional leap anymore. It's like sometimes I think if one more thing goes wrong with my life… if I have one more failed relationship… I'm going to shatter into a million pieces. Especially if that relationship was with you."

There was nothing but silence until Harm got the nerve to speak. "Who says we would fail?" When he got no answer but a raised eyebrow, Harm laid the side of his head against the back of the seat and stared at her. "How am I supposed to convince you?" his voice seemed conspicuously absent of all hope.

"You can't, Harm – that's the problem. I have to convince myself."

For a long moment neither of them spoke. Mac stole a couple of brief glances at him, but he just continued to watch her. Finally she couldn't take it anymore. "For God's sake please don't look at me like that."

His expression didn't change. "Mac, I promised you I'd give you space and I will. But please don't ask me to feel any differently than I do."

Mac bit her lip and dropped her head backwards against the seat in frustration. She wanted to believe him so badly. Wanted to believe that he wouldn't always be a fighter jock who was incapable of commitment. But the proof was in his past – all his girlfriends had left him for that very reason. How she wished she could just throw caution to the wind like she had in other relationships and not care much how it turned out as it was starting. But she knew it was impossible – with Harm it would always be different. With Harm, failure meant not only the loss of him, but also possibly the loss of her career… and her soul.

"If it helps any, MacKenzie… I'll be taking the same chance."

"I know, Harm…" she tucked the large hand that was still in hers into her stomach and hugged it to her. "…I'm trying."

TBC


	9. Fit For Duty

15 FEBUARY 2005  
2230 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS PARKING LOT  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA

Inez Elgin followed the eyes of the tall Commander as he watched a lone figure cross the parking lot to her car. "Why do I get the feeling I just created a very uncomfortable situation?"

Harm returned her knowing smile and dropped his eyes to the pavement. Mac had been distant this last week, and almost as soon as this case had started, she'd become outright defensive. Truth be told, he was worried about her.

"You two are involved, aren't you?"

"No." Harm said a little too quickly, then rethought his statement. "But… I'm kinda working on it."

"And I didn't help your case any just now did I?"

Harm winced and shook his head. "Not really."

"I'm so sorry."

"Hey…" Harm waved his hand dismissively, "… don't worry about it."

Silence ensued as they continued walking through the parking lot. Once again, she caught him nervously eyeing the strikingly beautiful Marine, who was at that moment tossing her briefcase rather aggressively into the back seat of her car.

"Do you need to go fix things, Harm?"

"If you wouldn't mind?"

She laughed and silently cursed having to let this one get away. "Go ahead."

Harm smiled and pointed at her as he backed away. "I'll take a rain check?"

"Don't bother. Just go!" She shook her head and smiled. "And good luck!"

Harm sauntered slowly up to Mac's car just as she was starting the engine. He had an odd feeling of _déjà vu_. It was the exact same feeling from that day on the deck of the Guadalcanal three and a half years ago - when he had been waiting for the COD and Mac was nowhere to be found.

_flashback_

"Looking for someone?"

"Yeah, a friend. I couldn't find her below."

A 'she', huh? I don't understand how men and women get it on in the military. It's got to be daunting. Is it serious?"

"Well... maybe not."

_end flashback_

He had that exact same sinking feeling now. Like she was slipping away and there was absolutely nothing he could do to bring her back. The thoughts repeated in his mind as he watched her behind the wheel, '_Looking for someone?' 'Yeah, a friend… I can't find her…'_

"Hey, Mac."

"What?" Her voice hovered somewhere between hostile and futile.

"Well… if you remember correctly, you were my ride to work this morning."

Mac glanced over at Ms. Elgin getting into her vehicle. "Well, I thought since you two were going to the same **_expensive_** restaurant, she could at least give you a lift there."

"I'm not hungry." Harm shrugged.

Mac lifted her eyebrow sarcastically. "And when has that ever prevented you from taking a beautiful woman out to dinner?"

Harm cocked his head and considered her thoughtfully for a moment. "You're right, Mac. Let's go get something to eat." Without stopping to explain, he opened the driver's side door and threw his briefcase behind the seat.

"Harm, what are you doing?"

"I want to drive – shove over." Harm poked her in the side and she recoiled away from him.

"Harm!" she protested as he continued to nudge her unceremoniously over the console. "This isn't a bench seat you know! HARM!!!"

Under the very weak ruse of trying to help, Harm maneuvered into the driver's seat and used his elbow and forearm to lift her protruding posterior much higher than necessary.

Finally negotiating her way into an upright position, Mac attempted to straighten herself awkwardly.

"Thanks, Mac!" he grinned like a Cheshire cat as he adjusted the seat back to fit his long legs.

She did a very bad job of feigning an angry scowl at her partner "What the hell was that about?!"

Harm shrugged and put the car into gear. "Nothing."

"Nothing?! You just manhandled me over a stick shift and you say it's nothing?!"

Harm hit the brakes hard and stared at her in silence. "Mac – do you really want to leave that sentence hanging out there like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean? I mean that's way too easy!" At her blank expression he continued. "Mac – I'm giving you one more chance to retract that statement before I say…" he leaned towards her, "…hurry now, thousands of lives are at stake…" When she failed to answer he shrugged and leaned even closer. "Okay – you asked for it… '_If I ever manhandle you over a stick shift, baby… you won't be saying it's nothing'_."

Mac stared at him blankly for a moment before she burst into a fit of laughter. "Oh, Harm… that was AWFUL!"

He grinned and accelerated out of the space. "Hey – I gave you an opportunity to retract…" He cheerfully watched her curb the last of her laughing fit before speaking again. "Besides, **_that's_** what I was really going for."

"What?"

"Getting you to smile."

Mac looked down awkwardly, but decided to take the statement for what it was. She smiled back. "Thanks. I needed that."

"So did I, Marine." He sighed as he drove past the gate post.

They traveled in comfortable silence through the familiar streets of D.C. until Harm finally caught her eye. "You know, Mac… even if I had gone to dinner with her… that's all it would have been."

Mac turned away briefly and a smile creased her lips. "If you say so."

He grinned back at her. "You still don't trust me, do you?"

Mac sighed and shook her head. "Harm..."

Before she could continue, he cut her off playfully. "You know, we could always move-in together."

Mac's eyes almost bulged out of her head. "What?!!"

Harm didn't even flinch. "Sure." He shrugged. "Then you would always know where I was."

She just stared at him with wide eyes and an open mouth.

"I mean… just think of all the money you'd save on rent, Mac." He knew she would never go for it, but it was worth a shot – the same technique had once worked with the baby deal after all.

"Ha-arm…" she cautioned.

"All right, all right… do whatever you want." he joked as flung his hand in the air.

Mac smiled and shook her head. She had to hand it to him; he certainly had a gift for knocking her off-kilter. After knowing him almost 10 years, she was surprised that he still had ability to stun the living daylights out of her.

"What?!" he finally burst out. "You can't fault a guy for trying!"

"Just drive, Flyboy."

A few more miles went by in silence.

"So, Mac?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay? I mean… this whole week you've been a little… defensive."

"I'm fine." She snapped. Cringing inwardly, she tried to reign in her emotions. Harm was right, this case was hitting too close to home for her. Ever since General Creswell had uttered the words "psychiatrist" Mac had felt almost hostile. She couldn't help it, but she felt like both he and Harm **_knew_** that she was seeing a shrink and they were just purposely not bringing it up. Realistically, while she suspected that the General could be aware of her continued psych consults with Commander McCool, she knew deep down that there was no way Harm did. Knowing that however, and preventing herself from being paranoid about it, were two entirely separate matters. She couldn't seem to help it. Seeing a psychiatrist made her feel weak. Marines weren't supposed to be weak – she wasn't supposed to need help dealing with things – and the fact that she did, made her unbelievably self-conscious. She couldn't stand feeling weak in front of Harm – how could he love her if she had all these imperfections?

"Ma-ac…" he chastised her gently.

She decided to give him a bone. She wasn't ready to talk about the psychiatrist issues right now, but she felt she needed to at least partly explain some of the struggles she'd been having with herself. "Harm, I'm going to tell you something, but I don't want to talk about it okay?"

"Okaaaay…" He wasn't quite exactly sure what that meant, but he was willing to play along.

"Did I ever tell you what happened the night your plane went down? The night before my wedding?"

Harm was slightly surprised – he hadn't expected this to come up. "Uh… no… I heard some stories… from others… but no, you never mentioned it."

"Well I'm going to tell you about it, but I don't want to discuss it afterwards, I just want you to know it and then we're going to eat dinner and we're not going to mention it again, alright?"

"Sure, Mac."

She took a deep breath and looked out the window before she started. "Harm… the night your plane went down, I was terrified. For over two hours I was so scared I couldn't think straight. I cried, I ignored Mic, I lashed out at Captain Ingles… it was awful."

Harm smiled. "As usual, I managed to bring out the best in you…"

Mac gave him a warning glare and he apologized with his eyes.

"But then we got the news that they'd found your empty life raft. I remember vividly Captain Ingles saying that he didn't have to tell us what that meant… and then he told me he was sorry…" her voice cracked and she delicately wiped her nose with the back of her hand, "… and suddenly I knew you were dead. I was numb. I told the Admiral I needed a nap, but for some reason, of all the places to go, I went to the court room… exactly the place where all the memories of you were strongest for me. It was like your ghost was everywhere." She turned to look out the window again as tears rolled down her cheeks. "I completely lost it, Harm. I broke down and I sobbed like a baby. I didn't know how I was supposed to go on… I didn't know how I could possibly live my life without you in it – it didn't seem possible. It just wasn't supposed to happen like that. I don't even know how long I cried – it felt like forever, but then suddenly, something inside me just snapped and I hated you. I hated you so much for leaving me. I cursed you and I cursed God for taking you away and then eventually I did the only thing I could do. I vowed that I would never, _ever_ need anyone that badly again." Mac wiped her eyes. "So I got myself together and I walked out of there, prepared to marry Mic – prepared to force myself into a life where maybe some day, somehow, I would eventually live through a day where I didn't think of you." The air in the car was deathly still. The only sound was the wind whipping around the fiberglass frame. "But no sooner had I made that decision it seemed than you were found - and suddenly, just like that, you were back. But you see Harm, the damage had already been done. It was like a light switch had been flipped. I'd already promised myself never again – do you understand?"

Harm struggled to keep his eyes from filling up. She couldn't possibly be telling him there wasn't a chance. How could she be telling him in one breath that she had once felt so strongly about him, but now there wasn't a chance? He pulled the corvette over on to the shoulder of the street and rolled the window down.

"What are you doing?"

"I just need some air…". He stared into the blackness as he let the cool breeze ease his sudden nauseous feeling. "That was why you ran to the Guadalcanal."

Mac shrugged.

"I wish you'd said something, Mac. I would have understood - I can't say I didn't have that exact same conversation with God when I was about 6 years old." He stared out the window at the darkness again. "But you can't imagine how many times I tried to figure out why you ran.."

"Harm - I don't think I knew why I ran then.. but can we drop this now? You said we didn't have to talk about it."

"Just a minute." Harm took another deep breath of the cold February night. "You know…" he spoke quietly, "I never wanted that… I saw it with so many others… my dad… Luke Pendry… I never wanted to put anyone through that, Mac…"

"I know. I didn't mean to make you feel badly. That wasn't the purpose."

He nodded his head silently and continued to gaze out the window.

"… and Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"Well… there's a difference between swearing something… and actually abiding by it. I just wanted you to understand one of the reasons why this is has been so difficult for me."

He turned to her sharply. "So you're saying there's still a chance?"

Mac folded her arms in front of her and looked up at the roof. "Try as I might, I just can't seem to get you out of my system, Sailor. Now drive will ya? Starving Marine here."

Harm started the engine immediately – he wasn't going to be told twice. "Where do you want to go?"

Mac sighed and leaned back in her seat. "Actually, do you mind if we just pick something up and eat it at my place? I need to get out of this uniform."

"I could help you with that" he grinned.

Mac laughed and smiled at him endearingly. She really did love this man – only sometimes it just felt like too much. "Thanks, but I think I can manage."

"Hey," Harm shrugged, "just trying to help."

"How about 'Passiflora's'. I'm in the mood for a little Italian tonight."

"Well, I'm not Italian and I'm definitely not little, but I can get on my knees and fake my way through '_I Pagliacci'_".

"Does your gallantry know no bounds?"

"Hey… anything for you, Mac."

TBC


	10. Bridging the Gulf Pt 1

18 FEBUARY 2005  
0130 ZULU  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
WASHINGTON, DC  
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EVENTS OF  
"BRIDGING THE GULF"

Mac answered her apartment door, surprised but pleased to see her handsome partner standing on the other side of the threshold.

"Hey – you're back." She smiled thinking she would never get tired of seeing him in that Navy Blue uniform. Hell, she wouldn't get tired of seeing him in **_any_** uniform.

Harm held up a brown paper bag emanating the wonderfully mouth-watering aroma of warm garlic. "I hope you don't mind, but I was starved and I thought maybe you hadn't eaten yet."

"I thought you didn't want to be alone around me anymore?"

"I'm willing to risk it if you are? Besides, I was a good boy last time wasn't I?"

She stepped out of the way and opened the door wide to allow him entrance. "You're in luck, I just got home myself."

Harm eyed her relaxed civilian attire and raised his eyebrow. "Really? Office dress lighten up since I was off doing my quals?"

"Well I had time to get a shower, but not enough time to eat..." Mac rolled her eyes as she closed the door, "… Mr. Smarty-pants."

Harm brushed past her on his way to the kitchen and playfully pinched her ribs "You never have enough time to eat these days, MacKenzie – that's what you need me around for."

After setting out their meal and serving up drinks, they sat at her dining room table - both of them poking forks into Rico's famous Clam Linguine and trying to figure out ways to break the uncomfortable silence.

"Spill it, Marine." Harm eyed Mac from across the table and hoped to God this wouldn't backfire on him.

"What?"

"C'mon, Mac – there's something bothering you. That psychiatrist case last week – you threw chaff at me but I know better." He looked down uncomfortably and gesticulated with his fork. "Look Mac, it was pretty obvious something was eating you about that case long before Inez Elgin came into the picture. Is everything alright?"

Mac blushed and put down her fork. "Harm, the case wasn't eating me… I just…" Suddenly she didn't know how to answer him without lying. Her eyes darted around the room as if she was looking for a place to hide. "It just bothered me, okay?"

Harm laughed gently "I can see that. Care to share why?"

"No". Without another word, she picked up her plate and strode into the kitchen.

Harm watched her from his seat and considered his next move, but something about this situation made him believe that his next move would be best left to mere observation. As usual, he didn't listen to his own inner voices. As she crossed by him on her way to the couch, he spoke gently "Mac, it's me."

Slowly she turned her head to him and sank into the couch.

Sensing this was his cue, he rose from the table and sat beside her. "You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"

"I know I **_can_**, I just don't know if I want to."

"Why?"

"Because," she felt her frustrations rise, "I don't want you to think… less of me."

"Ma-ac." Harm sighed in warning.

She nervously considered her fingers for a long time before beginning. "I… uh…" she twirled her school ring, "… I've been… seeing someone..."

Harm's heart sank. He really didn't expect it this time – not that he had expected it before – but at least he was **_aware_** of another man in the picture in previous instances. This time he had honestly thought they were finally getting somewhere. He made an attempt to be indifferent, but years of this kind of pretending made it wearisome – he truly just didn't have the heart to act anymore. It took all his effort just to make a sound. "Oh."

"See – I knew you'd have this kind of reaction…"

"Well how else did you expect me to react, Mac?!" Harm couldn't help snapping, he was tired of pretending this didn't hurt like hell. His mind couldn't even fathom that she could do this to him again - after all they'd been through since Christmas. He quickly rose from the couch and paced towards the door. "Who is it this time?" he quipped.

"What?" Mac was annoyed and confused. He practically begged her to open up and now he was mad at her for it? Damn him anyway, she was never going to understand this man.

"Do I know him?"

"What?! And what makes you so sure it's a **_him_**?"

"What?!!" Harm's eyebrows hit the stratosphere. "Gee, I dunno, Mac – I guess I always just **_assumed_** I knew you well enough to figure you were a heterosexual… but who knows anymore!"

Mac just stared at Harm for a second as the wheels engaged slowly in her head. Suddenly, she brought her hand to her mouth and stifled a giggle.

"Oh, don't Mac – this **_really_** isn't funny." Harm grabbed his jacket off the back of the kitchen chair and started to straighten his tie. "I've got to get going…"

"Harm – come here."

He couldn't meet her eyes. He actually felt sick. "No, Mac – I'm sorry but I just can't go through this again."

"Harm!"

"What?" he replied miserably.

She reached up and pulled both of his hands so that he sat down beside her. She looked him directly in the eyes. "Harm… a shrink… I've been seeing a shrink… **_professionally_**."

He just stared at her before his face finally fell. "So you're not…?"

"No." She shook her head.

Harm's expression was a complete blank for a moment before he dropped his head face down onto Mac's thigh and shook it back and forth. She rubbed his back between his shoulder blades and chuckled. "Are you going to be okay?"

Harm shook his head vehemently again without lifting it. "I don't understand what it is about you that makes me absolutely crazy..."

She waited, continuing the soothing circles on his back, and sighed "It's OK, Harm. If it helps any… the feeling is entirely mutual." She closed her eyes, savoring the intense energy that was emanating from his body, until he finally lifted his head.

He didn't say a word or look at her as he rose from the couch, but he walked into the kitchen where she heard him splash water on his face and then grab a piece of paper towel. She turned and watched him stare out the kitchen window into the blackness for a few moments before he suddenly turned and walked back out to the living room. Instead of returning to his previous spot on the sofa however, he passed by her, grabbing her hand and indicating the other end of the end of the couch with a tilt of his head. "Turn around" he said quietly as he sat down, one knee hitched up on the cushion and his back towards the arm. He reached around Mac's middle and pulled her back against him while he buried his face in her neck for a moment. Finally, he took both her hands gently in his and spoke into her ear. "Let's start again, Mac." He breathed deeply and forced his voice into a more positive tone. "So, you're talking to a psychiatrist? I think that's really good."

Mac chuckled. "You do?"

"Yes, I do. And as you can tell from my recent behavior, I'm seriously considering seeing one myself."

Mac laughed and squeezed his hands, letting her head fall back against his shoulder with a bone draining sigh.

Harm softly moved her hair away from her neck with his index finger. "Mac, I don't understand why you'd imagine I could think less of you for that."

"Maybe because **_I_** think less of myself for it?"

"There's no need, Mac. Talking out your problems can be an immense help. Maybe I used to be skeptical about these things, but Mattie proved to me how much Alateen helped her… it really does make a lot of sense."

"But I'm a Marine, Harm. I'm supposed to be able to handle things like Sadik. I know it sounds stupid, but Marines are trained to take lives and… I don't know… I just feel it shouldn't have affected me that much."

"Mac, you've always had trouble with taking lives at close range… remember that poacher? And before you take that as an insult – **_don't!_** I can't imagine any reason why you'd think that **_your_** remorse at taking a life would make me think less of you. In reality, it only strengthens my admiration."

"You've had to take life at close range and you don't need to see a shrink over it."

"Mac, my ability to cover up my emotions shouldn't be used as a measuring stick for anybody! Look where it's gotten me – I spent over half my life chasing the ghost of my father – now I'm 41, alone and miserable…"

Mac held his hand up to her cheek caressed it in response. She was saddened by his admittance of being miserable. Lately, she had been so caught up in her own unhappiness, she didn't entirely appreciate Harm's state of mind. She felt a sudden overwhelming need for him as he rested his forehead against the back of her hair.

"So, has it been helping?"

"Some." She nodded. "But… we haven't been only talking about that…"

"Oh?"

"Yeah… we've talked a lot about… just… my relationships and stuff."

Harm chuckled slightly "Uh-oh."

"Oh yeah." Mac smiled

Harm squeezed her hands again. "Am I… going to like the outcome of these conversations?"

"Well… the outcome has yet to be decided, but I have to say that you're definitely being touted as a heavy favorite."

Harm brushed his thumbs over the backs of her hands. "I don't suppose you can talk to me about any of this stuff? I can be a pretty good listener, you know."

"Harm, I know… believe me…" she sighed and threaded her fingers through his, "… it's just all so complicated right now." She shifted uncomfortably, "There's… what we talked about in the car the other day… but also it seems I can't even begin to sort out…" she lifted their joined hands "…**_this_**… because I can't seem to get past the endometriosis either."

"Mac, we talked about that… I don't see how it has to prevent us…"

"No Harm, **_you_** talked about that!" She stopped herself from getting harsh and took a deep breath. "Sorry… but I just mean to say… well…" she paused, struggling to find the right words.

Harm squeezed her hands, "Just tell me, Mac."

"It's just that… I don't know, maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't want to just raise a child, Harm – it's not enough. I need to feel it grow inside me… to know that I gave it life…" She shook her head again. "I don't know… maybe guys have trouble understanding that…"

"No, Mac. I know exactly what you mean." He paused and his voice became tender. "You know, for me, sometimes just the whole idea of having a baby is a little overwhelming. Not the responsibility… I'm good with that … it's just the whole idea that… you know… **_we_** would make it… **_together_**. That somehow, a little bit of you and a little bit of me could become this entirely new being that would never have existed if it hadn't have been for the two of us being together." Harm shook his head in wonder, "I don't know, it's like…"

Mesmerized, Mac almost whispered, "like collaborating with God…"

"Yes…" he breathed in her ear, "…**_exactly_**. Like collaborating with God."

Mac's shoulders slumped forward and tears started down her cheeks "But don't you see, Harm? That's exactly it! The idea that I can't do that with you… I think it's killing me…"

Mac dissolved into heart wrenching sobs and turned into Harm's arms as he leaned back against the couch. "Shhh… Mac… it's OK…" he stroked her hair as tears filled his own eyes. "Just don't give up on it, okay? We can always try… just please don't give up on us yet…"

Mac sobbed into his chest until she had nothing left and sleep finally overtook her. Harm, stroking her hair and whispering words of comfort, drifted off soon after.

TBC


	11. Bridging the Gulf Pt 2

Thanks so much for reading everyone – I'm glad so many people are enjoying it. And thank you so much for the wonderful reviews. You know, I write these things because I wanted to fix in my mind what I thought went wrong with the show, but I must say, when a reviewer tells me that they were having a bad day and my little story brightened it somewhat... well - what greater reward could you ask for? Thanks again.

A/N1: The action here takes place in and amongst the action we saw on TV and I didn't want to break the flow of the story by inserting comments like "Okay – the part where Harm and Sturgis play 'pokey-chest' happens here" LOL. I think it's pretty clear where the 'onscreen' action took place (hopefully!), but I tried to make reference to things and make it as obvious as possible. It certainly wouldn't hurt to have the episode fresh in your mind though if you have that option. Also, I know a lot of people thought the anger between Harm and Sturgis came out of left field so hopefully my interpretation of what was going on behind the scenes will explain where a lot of where that anger came from.

A/N2: I have no idea if what I referred to as "standard protocol in these cases" actually **_is_**, but I needed it to be for my story. Hopefully it's not too far in left field.

* * *

18 FEBUARY 2005  
1106 ZULU  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
WASHINGTON, DC 

Mac awoke drowsily and was immediately met with a safe, secure and warm feeling. It took a full minute for her to realize she was still atop Harm on the living room sofa, and another five seconds after that to realize he had one hand on her behind, the other underneath her top, a thumb resting casually on the side of her breast. The stir of desire swirled in her belly, she wanted him so badly. Never in her life had she felt this kind of yearning for a man before they had ever entered into a relationship. For Mac, sex had always come as a **_result_** of a relationship – the next logical step after dating had begun. She had never before felt the overwhelming desire to sleep with a man just because she wanted to give him everything that was inside of her… or to show him just exactly how much she loved him. Never in her life did she want something so badly and yet fear it almost more at the same time. For a moment she simply lay there and treasured being in his arms – just in case it was the only time she would ever experience the joy of his hard manhood pressing against her stomach, or the feeling of his long fingers on her bare skin. Finally, reason overcame want and, trying to avoid any uncomfortable embarrassment that might arise should Harm suddenly wake, she quietly removed herself from his embrace and went to the bathroom to shower.

Harm pretended to be asleep, but in reality he was aware of her movements – just slightly after he had become aware of his morning wood… which curiously had just been slightly after he had become aware of the placement of his hands on Mac's body.

When she returned from the shower ten minutes later, Harm was standing by the door, buttoning his jacket. She watched him as he picked up his cover, shifting it nervously between his hands, and forced one of his half-hearted smiles. "I better run if I'm going to change before getting to work." He looked down at his wrinkled pants. "I don't think I would pass muster this morning."

Mac tentatively returned the smile. "Yeah, OK." She took one step towards him before she even registered that she had no idea what she intended to do when she got there. Stopping herself short, she almost retreated when he bent down awkwardly and brushed a soft kiss on her cheek.

"See you at work." He whispered.

"Yeah…" it wasn't until the door latched closed that she realized her mouth was hanging open… and that she could smell coffee brewing. She shook her head and laughed - the coffee pot certainly wasn't the only thing he'd turned on this morning. She sighed and hoped it wouldn't be this awkward when she saw him again at work this morning.

18 FEBUARY 2005  
1500 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA

Mac looked up from her desk to see Harm walking slowly towards her office. She couldn't help smiling a little – she knew that walk so well. Whenever he wasn't sure whether he was in trouble, or if he was at all hesitant to talk to someone, he always approached them at a slow, straight legged swagger.

When Harm saw her smile, he smiled back, infinitely glad that she didn't have her walls up after the events of last night and early this morning. "Hey."

Mac folded her hands on the desk. "Hi."

"Are you, uh… feeling better?" He purposely dropped his voice and moved further into her office so the 'ears' of the bullpen didn't overhear. "I didn't get a chance to ask you this morning."

She reddened slightly, but still felt enormously endeared to him for his obvious concern. "Yeah – thanks – I actually feel much better." She tapped her pen nervously on the desk, "I think it was good for me to get it off my chest."

Harm opened his mouth to reply but Mac cut him off. "And before you even start – no sarcastic comments about my chest!"

"Mac! You know I would never…"

"Yeah, right!"

As their laughter subsided, Harm grew suddenly serious. "Actually, I just came to say good-bye."

Mac tried, but couldn't hide her disappointment. "Off without me again?" This was becoming a pattern she could really live without.

"Yeah – apparently. To the JFK. Something to do with an altercation involving an Iraqi fishing boat." He hesitated for a moment and attempted to be up-beat. "I may get some of my qualifying traps in, though."

"Oh – that makes me feel **_much_** better - thanks." She hadn't meant to sound so acerbic and immediately felt bad. "I'm sorry, Harm… that sounded…"

Harm waived his hand, "It's okay, Mac…" he shrugged, "… it's actually nice to know that someone's worried about me." He gave her a fraction of his patented grin.

Mac leaned fully on her elbows and gave Harm a confused look. "Were you always this emotionally needy, because I certainly don't remember it?"

Shuffling his cover to his other hand again, he straightened up "Maybe I just covered it up better before." Turning to go, he smiled over his shoulder. "Take care, Mac. See you when I get home."

"Harm?"

He turned back around and looked at her expectantly.

"Good luck" she smiled.

He fired her back a nearly full wattage Rabb-smile. "Thanks."

**Out of the frying – pan... **

LCol MacKenzie Sent: Fri 18/02/2005 3:54 PM

**To:** Cdr Rabb

_Hey Harm,_

_Just thought I'd send you a quick email - hope your flight to the JFK went alright. You've barely been gone half a day and I'm already pulling my hair out here. Don't know if you had a chance to before you left, but I met the new guy today. Lt. Gregory Vukovic. Wow… I'm not sure what else to say to describe him… and I don't mean that in a good way. Sure, he's good looking I guess (in a greasy, kind of… unshaven kind of way), but wow… did I say that already? When I first ran into him this morning (literally), he bent down to pick up the files he'd knocked out of my hands and **ogled** my legs while he did it! He was so close that for a second I thought he was going to lick them! It was so shocking I was actually at a loss for words (and no sarcastic comments about **that** either!). And that's just the tip of the iceberg, Harm! I have to say I'm already worried about this one – he's going to be a handful._

_Mac_

**Re: Out of the frying – pan... **

**Cdr Rabb Sent: Sat 19/02/2005 11:02 AM**

**To: LCol MacKenzie **

_Please, Mac… please, please, please… if you do nothing else in your lifetime, please never again evoke the image of some other man licking your legs while I'm stuck floating around on an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Persian Gulf! And I'm sorry, but I couldn't possibly hear about the rest of the iceberg right now, thank you very much. Please save it for a time when I'm at least within one tactical bound of pummeling him senseless. Sheesh, Marine! I have to go fly now! You really don't want me to fly angry, do you?_

_H._

**… into the fire. **

Cdr Rabb Sent: Sun 20/02/2005 7:57 PM

**To:** LCol MacKenzie

_Hey Mac,_

_I got your phone msg but it must have come in when I was still being debriefed… or flogged… or whatever the hell you call that thing I just went through.  
Wow, I think I've really done it this time, Mac. I can't see how I'm going to get out of this one intact… but the thing that really burns me up is the whole dichotomy of the situation! I mean, I was truly damned if I did and damned if I didn't. If I hadn't have pulled the trigger, I'd be on the hot seat explaining how I let Americans be killed by a terrorist attack when I could have done something about it! I mean seriously, it shouldn't matter who the hell was on that plane – I either violated the ROE's or I didn't! Who the hell was actually **on** the damn plane shouldn't even be considered! I mean, for all we know, that Deputy Minister could have been a part of a sleeper cell! Okay – I think I've used up my allotment of exclamation marks for this particular dispatch. I better go. The COD's inbound and I hear they're sending someone to defend my sorry ass… I'm guessing Creswell wouldn't send you … but I can hope can't I?_

_H._

_  
_20 FEBUARY 2005  
2030 ZULU  
USS JOHN F KENNEDY  
PERSIAN GULF

Harm ran his hand over his forehead and paced across the room again. His meeting with Sturgis was irritating him beyond belief. Or maybe it was just Sturgis that was irritating him beyond belief. He wasn't exactly sure why, but ever since Mac had told him that Turner called her a prig… he had absolutely no time for the man. And SANCTIMONIOUS! Talk about your "pot calling the kettle black!"

"Can we just table this for the night? I've told you all I know and I'm exhausted. It's almost midnight for Christ's sake, Sturgis."

"Fine." He flipped his notepad closed and stood to leave the room. "I think I've got everything I need from you, anyway… except access to your email and hard drive."

Harm stopped short and looked at his colleague in confusion. "What? What do you want that for?"

"As part of the investigation, Harm. You know it's standard protocol in cases like this."

Harm's frustration level took off exponentially. "Awww c'mon, Turner! Give me a break!"

"Listen, I want to do everything by the book so that no one can say the proper steps weren't followed and we tried to cover something up. It's the best thing for all concerned."

"Sturgis…"

"What's the matter? Are you trying to hide something?"

"No! Of course not!"

"Then what's the problem?"

The problem of course was that he didn't want Sturgis reading his emails to Mac. They always kept in contact by email when they were apart, and although he knew he had never said anything blatant in them, one could easily read between the lines and construe something that wasn't there. Besides, their correspondence was personal and it felt like a violation to the both of them. Unfortunately, he knew he didn't have a leg to stand on and it would only be worse if he refused. Harm quickly grabbed a pen and scribbled his password and user ID onto Sturgis's notepad. "Have a good night, **_buddy_**."

**Re: … into the fire.**

**LCol MacKenzie Sent: Mon 21/02/2005 9:06 AM **

**To: Cdr Rabb **

_Harm… you have no idea how much I want to be there for you right now. I know you could probably use a friendly shoulder, but unfortunately the General has sent Sturgis on this assignment. Although, by the time you read this, you'll probably already know that. Don't worry, Harm, you know he's fair and impartial – Sturgis is nothing if not completely by the book so he won't let his emotions get involved (assuming he really has any to speak of… I'm sorry, was that out loud?) Maybe this will be just what your friendship needs to get it back on an even keel. Lord knows whenever I had to bail out your sorry ass, we usually came out the other side of it a little bit better friends ;0) I'll try and call you soon,_

_Mac_

Harm lay propped up in his cramped bunk feeling miserable and not a little bit nauseous. He was just glad that this last email from Mac had come **_after_** Sturgis had been in bright and early to copy his email account and hard drive from the laptop. He reached over and clicked 'delete', hoping to God Sturgis didn't find a reason to delve further. He shut the laptop and inched down on the bed to try and get some sleep. He'd had a restless night, worried about the situation, and had spent the last hour trying to get ahold of Mac to tell her not to send him any more emails, but wherever she was, her cell wasn't getting reception. He was afraid to send her an email or leave her a message on the subject in case that very act became even further incriminating.

An hour and a half later, he was awakened from his fitful slumber by Sturgis entering the stateroom. Harm felt too depressed to do more than look up at his former friend as he sat down angrily at the table.

_"You're sleeping with her!"_

TBC


	12. Bridging the Gulf Pt 3

A/N: As before - I don't go into the action that we saw in the actual episode, for example I skip right over the part where Harm goes out and finds the evidence that clears his name because of course that was already on screen. Hopefully it will be obvious where that and other parts fit into this story. Thanks for reading!

* * *

21 FEBUARY 2005  
1420 ZULU  
USS JOHN F KENNEDY  
PERSIAN GULF

He'd known it was coming, but it still made him seethe. He didn't trust himself to move more than simply crossing his arms to hide his clenched fists. "I'm not" he fumed quietly.

"Harm it's pretty obvious from the tone of your emails…"

Harm swung his legs over the side of the bunk and glared into his eyes. "It's not **_obvious_**, because there's nothing going on!"

"How stupid do you think I am?"

"Don't ask a loaded question, Turner. Especially one you don't want to know the answer to."

Sturgis took a deep breath to control his anger. "Listen. It would be much better if you just came out and admitted to it. This is serious, Harm. Your jealousy goes to state of mind while you were flying! Not to mention any case where you and Mac have opposed each other since this has been going on will be brought into question as a possible conflict of interest. Creswell will have a fit! Do you know how many people are going to be clamoring for mistrials once this gets out? If you try and cover up the indiscretion now, it's only going to make matters worse. At least coming clean will look better in front of an Ethics Board."

Harm wanted to pace but he didn't trust himself to stand up off of the bunk. His head was pounding with fear and anger. "There is nothing for me to **_admit_**, because there is no **_indiscretion_**." He stared Sturgis down with the best persuasive glare he could muster.

Turner knew his former Academy schoolmate was a hot-head and an ass, but he'd never known him to outright lie – especially as he stared a man in the face. He leaned back and shook his head. "Well, it doesn't matter what I think anyway. You are clearly agitated by one of her emails right before the incident. I have to include it as part of my report."

"I was joking, Sturgis. See, Mac has what's called a 'sense of humor'. I know it's not something you're familiar with but..."

"Do you really want to make an enemy out of my right now?"

Harm bit his tongue from what he really wanted to say and forged ahead. "And it wasn't _'right before'_ the incident. I made eight traps and nine catapults before I was dispatched on that call. Even if I had harbored any anger at take-off, I guarantee you it was jarred out of me by that time!"

"Harm, it's valid evidence going to your state of mind. I have to take it into consideration."

"Please don't." He dropped his head in his hands in frustration. "Do you want me to beg? Is that what you want?" Harm felt like he had finally reached the end of his rope and his entire world was crashing in on him.

"I want you to tell me what's really going on!"

"I told you!" He stood up and crossed the room. "There's nothing going on with Mac and I. There has **_never_** been anything going on! I'm not particularly proud of that, but it's true."

Sturgis waved the printed email in the air in front of him. "These aren't the words of a man who is not involved. If she's not your girlfriend, then what exactly is she to you?"

"She's…" Harm paced the small room and rubbed the back of his neck, "… she's just… **_personal_**, okay!"

Sturgis looked completely perplexed. "**_Personal?_** What the hell does that mean?"

Harm sighed. "Sturgis, we've known each other for 9 years. We've been through more together than most married couples have in a lifetime. I won't tell you I haven't been attracted to her, and it's obvious from the emails that I would like there to be more between us, but there isn't okay?!"

"I don't understand, if you both want a relationship, why aren't you in one? I mean there are lots of billets in Washington other than HQ. Were you both so stuck in your careers that you weren't willing to bend a little?"

Harm looked at him with heavy sarcasm. "Who says she wants a relationship with me?"

"Awww c'mon Harm, I happen to know…" He cut himself off before he went any further.

Harm fixed him with a glare, "What do you know?"

"Nothing, just the way she looks at you… it's pretty obvious…" Sturgis was tempted, but thought better of betraying Mac. He'd held her stupid little secret for this long, he was damned if he'd let it go now. He stood up from the table and did some pacing of his own, finally halting in front of the door. "I'm going to do you one favor, Rabb – but you can consider it your last."

Harm swallowed, hoping with all his might that his old friend would come through.

"I'm not going to put the emails into my report… but I won't make the same promise about an Article 32. If it comes to that, those emails will definitely be brought forward as evidence."

"And when can I expect your report?"

"Within the hour." Sturgis turned to leave. "Oh, and Harm? I **_will_** be recommending an Article 32 on the grounds of Negligent Homicide."

Harm's head collapsed into his hands the minute Sturgis exited the cabin. Seconds later he stumbled to the bed and collapsed, rolling onto his back and covering his face with his hands. His career, his pride, his Mac… all gone. He was as good as sunk career wise and he knew that Mac would never forgive him dragging her down as well. It was all so unfair. All this time, going by the rules… all those nights he could have loved her… woken up with her in his arms. How many babies could they have had by now? All that needless, wasted restraint and they were going to get nailed for it anyway! All over a stupid 'appearance of impropriety' – what the hell was that anyway? How are you supposed to defend yourself against they way something '**_appears_**'!?  
He was so angry he thought his head would explode. All he had ever wanted to do was to fly for the Navy, to serve his country with honor, and now that very thing had destroyed him. For the first time in his life he questioned his job as a lawyer. How many times had clients told him that rules and regulations had prevented them from doing their job properly? How many careers had he helped destroy over spur of the minute decisions that snowballed into catastrophes? Now it was his turn. He had destroyed himself, he had brought down Mac with him and he would never, ever forgive himself for it. He turned towards the wall and tried with all his might to will himself into a vegetative state.

40 minutes later he awoke with a start. He'd heard her voice. As clear as a bell, whispered directly in his right ear - just one word "Harm!" It wasn't accusing, or alarmed… it was simply… urgent. Like she was telling him something had to be done. He didn't question the voice. He knew without a doubt it had been Mac's. He also knew enough not to question whatever connection they had that allowed these kinds of things to keep happening between them. At that exact moment, an incoming email chimed from his hibernating laptop. As it was still sharing the bed with him from earlier, he whipped it open and logged on.

**Re:Re: … into the fire.**

**LCol MacKenzie Sent: Mon 21/02/2005 11:03 AM**

**To: Cdr Rabb**

Jesus, Harm. Creswell just briefed me on Sturgis's report. Don't worry – it's only an Article 32. I've requested that I be made defense counsel on the case. He said he'd think about it. Don't worry, if he says 'no' I can just quit and you can hire me as civilian attorney again. ;0) I'll get back to you as soon as I know anything. Hang tough, Harm – you know I've got your back. I always will.

S.

Immediately he knew exactly what he had to do. He had to read that damn report and then he had to figure out a way to stop this from going to an Article 32. He couldn't let this happen to Mac and he'd be damned if he'd let that self-righteous preacher's kid steal his life away from him. With new found enthusiasm, he splashed water on his face and went in search of Turner.

22 FEBRUARY 2005  
0920 ZULU  
USS JOHN F KENNEDY  
PERSIAN GULF

Harm was just finishing his coffee in the ward room when Sturgis dropped the report in front of him. "What's this?"

Turner grabbed an empty coffee cup and poured from the urn. "Amended Recommendation."

Harm flipped to the final page of the report and read the last paragraph aloud. "Due to Rules of Engagement which permit firing without authorization if a credible threat is perceived on the lives of Americans or Allied Military personnel, this report finds insufficient evidence of Negligence to recommend an Article 32 hearing." Harm closed the folio and looked up. "So why is it Negligent Homicide when there's an Iraqi Official on board, and suddenly within the ROE's when it turns out there wasn't?"

"Don't you ever say 'thank you'?"

"Thank you." Harm fired back icily and turned to exit the ward room.

"Piece of advice?"

Harm stopped at the door but didn't turn around. "What?"

"A good career is one thing, but you just saw how easily it could all amount to a hill of beans. Love is something that can get you through life a happy man. I suggest you seriously consider which one is more important."

24 FEBRUARY 2005  
1122 ZULU  
NAPLES ITALY

Strolling along the ancient cobblestone street, Harm silently cursed being at the mercy of Navy transport. Here he was in such a beautiful city and all he wanted to do was go home to Mac – assuming that she was even there of course. Instead, the Navy had rerouted him through Naples and he had a lay over for an extra day. Even after the extra time he had spent aboard the JFK finishing his traps, he had been unable to sleep well last night and had risen early, walking down to the harbor and watching the sun rise from the _Castel dell'Ovo_. He was shaken over the events of the last few days – over how close he had come to losing every single thing he had ever held dear – and if he was honest with himself, he would have to say he was finding it hard to deal with. To make matters worse, Sturgis's last words echoed over and over in his head. He didn't think he'd ever forgive the man for not doing more to stand up for him, but he had to admit – he'd nailed it right on when it came to love. Harm wanted desperately to be a happy man again. He was so damn tired of being sad all the time. Didn't he and Mac both deserve a little happiness? Why the hell was this all so difficult?

He headed back and wandered aimlessly through the _Spaccanapoli_ district, stopping at a small café for a jolt of espresso. The whole time he felt… strange. Like he was outside of his body looking down on himself. At the same time, he also felt charged – like there were tiny vibrations going through every fibre of his being. Like his whole body felt the anticipation of some life altering event that was just on the horizon. Most of all, he couldn't stop thinking of Mac.

As he rounded the last corner, he spied the window display of a small jewelry shop and an idea struck. A tiny bell announcing his arrival, he entered and hesitantly made his way to the counter. As he approached, a beautiful woman in her early fifties stood from arranging the display in the lower counter case.

"Buona mattina, signore."

Harm smiled shyly. "Buona mattina. Parla inglese?"

"Si – yes. How can I help you?"

"I, uh…" Harm eyed the assortment of jewelry in front of him. "… think I'd like to buy something… for a lady... friend." He had to cross his arms in front of himself out of a nervous feeling of not knowing what to do with his hands. Why did this suddenly seem so difficult?

The lady behind the counter smiled graciously. "Of course. Do you know what you would like?"

"Uh…" Harm's ears started to burn as it suddenly became clear to him that he had never bought jewelry for a woman before and he had absolutely no idea what he was doing. He immediately felt like a total schmuck. What kind of 41 year old man has never bought jewelry for a woman? "…no actually…" he laughed nervously, "I'm afraid I've never really done this before."

The jeweler nodded. "Ah yes, I understand."

Harm didn't know whether to be relieved or insulted by her knowing smile. "You do?"

"Si" She replied confidently, but with a hint of a smirk, "I understand that a man who looks like you would not **_need_** to buy a woman jewelry."

Even though he had a feeling that was supposed to be a compliment, his ears burned an even brighter red and he felt more like a schmuck than he had a minute ago.

The lady smiled and decided to take pity on the poor, awkward American. "Well, I will help you. How do you feel about her?"

"How do I feel about her?" Harm's mouth suddenly went dry. How did such a harmless idea turn into one of his worst nightmares? This was more uncomfortable than being blind sided by Mattie.

"Yes? What are your intentions with her?"

"My intentions? I… uh…" Harm unfolded his arms nervously and rubbed his forehead, "… well… I want to marry her." He shocked himself with how easily **_that_** had come out of his mouth.

"Ah… then perhaps a ring?" She drew her hand across a display of beautiful diamond engagement rings.

Harms heart almost jumped out of his chest and he laughed. "I… uh… don't think we're quite ready for that yet." Then he reconsidered. "Or rather, I don't think **_she's_** quite ready for that yet."

The jeweler looked genuinely surprised. "I find it hard to believe that any girl would not be ready for a ring."

Harm laughed. "Well, you don't know this girl."

"Okay… I find it hard to believe that any girl would not be ready for a ring from a man like you."

"Ha…" Harm liked this woman's spunk, "… then you obviously don't know **_me_**."

The woman laughed with him graciously.

"Besides…" he continued, "… I guess I always figured I would give her my mother's ring." Once again his words astounded him. Had he really always thought that?

"Oh, so you have dated a long time then?"

"No… we, uh… actually haven't dated at all…" He knew this was going to sound bad. At the confused response of the woman in front of him, he continued his explanation. "We've been… colleagues for a long time. We've been through a lot together."

"I see. And you want it to be more?"

"Oh yeah."

"And how does she feel?"

Harm shook his head and took a deep breath. Who knew that buying a simple piece of jewelry could make you break out in a sweat? No wonder he'd never done it before. "Well, I think she feels the same. I just have to convince her to take a chance on a screw-up like me."

The jeweler sighed, she thoroughly enjoyed the candor of this American. Such a shame that he was so obviously in love with someone else – she'd been feeling lonely since her Antonio passed away. Smiling genuinely she led Harm over to a row of display cases by the wall. "I think I have just the thing. A nice necklace perhaps?"

Harm quietly regarded the collection of gold and silver chains – there were so many of them and he had no idea what he was looking for. He was about to give up in frustration when something caught his eye. "Could I look at that one more closely?"

"You have excellent taste, signore." She retrieved the necklace and placed it carefully on a purple cloth on the counter. "This is a 14K Bola Two-Tone V Necklace - 4.2 mm. It's very beautiful."

Harm ran his finger gently over the flat chain. "It sure is." Suddenly he knew he had to have it. He didn't even flinch when he converted the cost to over $700 US dollars. He was amazed - years ago it had almost killed him to fork out 60 bucks on a bouquet of roses for Renée when he was in the dog house - but now, for Mac, he felt like any amount wasn't enough. "I think I'll take it."

"May I ask why you picked this one?" She smiled as she carefully prepared the necklace for packaging. "Does it have a particular significance?"

"No." Harm shrugged with a shy smile. "I could just picture it around her neck." He wisely edited out the 'and it totally turned me on' part. He _was_ a man after all, but he wasn't entirely a _stupid_ man.

TBC


	13. The Straits of Malacca

2 MARCH 2005  
1420 ZULU  
NAS WHITING FIELD  
MILTON, FLORIDA

Harm sat at the keyboard and toyed with the brilliance of delving into email conversation with Mac again. He'd learned his lesson though. This time he sent the correspondence to Mac's civilian email – once he'd gotten her one that is. He still hadn't collected the nerve to fill her in on exactly what had transpired with Sturgis and how close everything had come to blowing apart. He had concerns that Turner might divulge his little 'discovery' to Creswell though, and therefore knew he owed it to Mac to let her know at some point, but he wanted to wait and do it in person. He wanted an environment where he might have a little control over her reaction (not that he'd ever been very successful with that in the past, but at least he could make an attempt).

Besides, it wasn't like **_not_** communicating with Mac was an option. He'd barely got 'feet dry' when they'd whisked him off to Florida. He would have been upset had he not learned that Mac had similarly been whisked off to float around the Indian Ocean with that slime ball Vukovic. It was his worst fears realized. He was losing Mac as a partner and he hadn't even been shipped out. He'd been relegated to sit by and **_watch_** it happen right in front of him! Couldn't they have at least paired her with that new girl Mayfield or something? Why did it have to be with another walking male hormone?

He shook his head in wonder at what a different person he'd become. With other relationships, he'd been happy to get away for awhile. To get himself some breathing room and a chance to be on his own again. But with Mac… God… he wasn't even in a relationship with her and he didn't think there was anything he wouldn't give right now just for the chance to inhale the scent of her skin.

**From: "Harm" (flyboy63(at)gmail(dot)com)**

**To: "Mac" (notajarhead(at)hotmail(dot)com)**

**Subject: …have faith, Marine**

**Sent: Wed 02/03/2005 11:03 AM**

Hey Mac,

I can't believe we keep missing each other like this. It seems someone really doesn't want us in the same office at the same time. I know I told you on the phone the other night, but I really wanted to thank you again for offering to go to bat for me if it had come to that. I guess I really dodged a bullet there, didn't I? Well, it's nice to know you're still watching my six… damn… so many jokes… so little time!

I hope you like the email address I picked for you. I was toying with "tatooedjarhead" but unfortunately that one was already taken. Sorry to hear Vukovic is being a pest. Want me to come over there and spank him for you? Not that I don't think you're completely capable of spanking him yourself, I just don't like the visual that gives me so I'm going to have to beg you to refrain.

I haven't had the 'pleasure' of meeting this guy yet, but from what I hear he's quite a handful (again, not literally – c'mon, work with me here, Mac!). Just try to use the spirit of the General's order to give him guidance, and take it all as a challenge – I know you can't resist a challenge. (I can't believe you told the General you considered it 'A plague of locusts' – you have no idea how hard I laughed when you told me that!) But I also know you are more than capable of putting this guy in his place. Don't forget – I was a star witness when you threatened to feed a cabin full of Petty Officers 'to the crabs' if I remember correctly… ;0)

God, that suddenly seems like such a long time ago. You sure were feisty back then, Marine. I guess we both were. I'm finding it hard to imagine where I used to get the energy to be so full of piss and vinegar. Now, everything just seems so bloody tiring. I've been doing exactly the kind of thing I enjoy these last few days – immersed in the whole Navy flying culture again – assessing damage to the program, hanging out with fellow pilots… and yet… my heart just isn't in it. They're even letting me fly a few coastal patrols (I can't believe they trust me with another bird so soon after that last incident, but who am I to question?). The whole time I'm up there though… instead of being in the moment and enjoying it like I usually do, my mind is elsewhere… a few thousand miles or so to be exact. Wishing we were both back in Washington… wondering what you're up to… if you're okay...

Ha - bet you never thought you'd hear me say that I'd rather be fixing you supper than flying an F-18. I guess that whole Mattie thing gave me a taste of what it's like to have someone to come home to… It's something I always wanted, but I guess took for granted that it would just _happen_ some day. Now I guess I have to face reality that it maybe never will. (Feeling guilty yet? No? Damn…)

Well, I managed to drop by Bud and Harriet's open house before I got sent back here (Whiting Field actually sent me home, then pulled me back again. Nice to know that even at this rank you still get to play 'on the bus/off the bus' every once and awhile). I didn't get to see the twins, but to be honest – I didn't really want to. I didn't really feel up to pretending much. Creswell's wife and daughter were there. Bud says she's a really wonderful person and I must admit I was slightly intrigued to find out what kind of woman would marry that tight-ass, but my flight was leaving so I didn't have time. Bud… man, Bud can be so stupid… Sorry, but sometimes I really wonder about the boy. He was blabbering on and on – you know how Bud gets – and then he tells me he "highly recommends the state of fatherhood" to me. Man, it felt like someone kicked me in the chest. He must have noticed because he started falling all over himself apologizing – thinking I was sad about Mattie – but I was really thinking about you… or 'us' I guess. About how unfair it is that Bud and Harriett get four and we… God, I'm sorry to bring it up, Mac, but I have to tell you… I'd haul the moon out of it's orbit to find a way to give you babies. I hate to whine about life being unfair – you of all people know that fate – but you'd think someone might cut us some slack… just once …

I'm sorry, Marine. I'm letting my dark mood drag you down too. This was supposed to be a note to cheer **_you_** up and I guess it hasn't turned out that way. I hope you'll forgive me, but apparently I needed to get a few things off my chest too (What? No sarcastic remarks about **_my_** chest? C'mon… I give you permission? How about a nice fat Freudian slip? Or are you going to tell me I'm being 'emotionally needy' again? That I'm purposely soliciting flattering remarks regarding my physique? Sheesh, you sure are hard to please... ;0).

Well, anyway – thanks. It's always nice to have someone to "talk" to and you've always been there for me for that, Mac… even when I was too stupid to take you up on it. You know… just so you're aware… I do fully realize that I'm an asshole sometimes. Not **_all_** the time, mind you… but usually as soon as I've said something categorically asshole-ish, I'm generally aware of it straight away. You know, it's funny… I'm so good at hiding my feelings and keeping things suppressed, but where my 'buttons' are concerned, my mouth doesn't always wait for my brain to engage. I really hope I'm getting better at that… I do try, you know.  
Anyway – I have to go to pre-flight now so I better let you go. Be careful and don't let Vukovic get the better of you. You're ten times the soldier (and person) that he will ever be. I miss you, Mac.

Harm

3 MARCH 2005  
1548 ZULU  
USS CONDON  
STRAITS OF MALACCA

**From: ****"Mac" (notajarhead(at)hotmail(dot)com)**

**To: "Harm" (flyboy63(at)gmail(dot)com)**

**Subject: Thanks Flyboy**

**Sent: Thurs 03/03/2005 6:56 PM**

I should have known better than to read one of your emails when I'm tired and feeling vulnerable. Thanks a lot! – Vukovic just came into the wardroom and caught me sniffling into my laptop. I'm afraid the Marines will never quite live it down.

So why the insistence on the civvy emails suddenly? You know, I survived almost 38 years without a hotmail account until now - I really must thank you for that. I'm not sure whether I should be honoured or insulted by your choice of address for me though.

Don't apologize for being low. I'm glad to hear your thoughts any time you feel the need to share them – you've been way too stingy with your feelings over the years, Sailor - it's about time you shared some of them with me. ;0) That said though – maybe I can cheer you up some - I'm feeling feisty right now!

Feisty being the preferred, alternative word to 'pissed off beyond all belief'. Hey – I just invented a new military acronym – POBAB! We can put that one right up there with FUBAR and ASAP. But seriously, this Vukovic is a piece of work! Just when I think I know exactly what kind of person he is, he stuns me again with his ability to confound. Do you know he actually told me that he would be there to watch my back**_side!? _**Then he pretended like he had said it accidentally! Twice he usurped my command today – once right on the bridge in front of the Skipper! Can you believe it? We were communicating with a known terrorist, and he takes the comms away from me and tells the terrorist that he has "taken over negotiations" – without even asking me! And hasn't anyone told this guy we don't negotiate with terrorists?! Hold me back, Harm – I think I may just not be responsible for my actions! You know – Creswell actually told me that he didn't assign Vukovic to you because the two of you were too much alike – man, you guys are NOTHING alike! You never would have done something like that to me in such a situation (no – that doesn't mean I forgot how you sandbagged me in court, but court is different!). WOW Harm – I just can't believe the audacity of this one. I can hardly wait for you two to go toe to toe just so you can crush him like a bug. I'm especially not impressed with the way he constantly stands in my personal space – WAY too close. Like he actually thinks he can overpower me with his manly charms. I'm seriously considering playing along… you know, leading him into a position where he has the confidence to try something really blatant and then I'll slap him with a conduct unbecoming so quickly his head will spin! It's so tempting and it would be soooo easy to pull off! OK – I'm taking deep breaths – I think I better go relieve some stress in the gym before I bust a vein.

Good luck on your flight. Yes, you're right, I am slightly disturbed to hear you talk about flying this way ;0). Though it only goes to prove my theory that you've grown up a lot in this last year. Not to say that flying isn't important anymore, it maybe just has a different priority than it did. I'm afraid I can't say that I'm disappointed to hear it. You know full well how much it's always scared me when you fly… I think it always will. But it's so much part of who you are, I don't think that you can be untwined from it… Is that a word? 'Untwined'? 'Detwined'? Hmm… oh, I know… but 'unravelled' doesn't seem right either.

Anyway, thanks to something else that Pukovic did today (which I can't go into detail here), we've wrapped up this investigation and will be heading out tomorrow. I sure wish you were going to be there when I get back, but I'm guessing that's probably not a possibility. I find I've come to rely heavily on our closeness these past few months. I'm determined not to analyze it though – as you so eloquently quoted myself back to me – I'm tired of analyzing things to death. I just want you to know that I'm enjoying this, Harm – whatever this is between us - and I plan to keep enjoying it. So be prepared to fix me more than a few dinners when you get back. I'll be waiting for you.

Mac

P.S. Nice attempt at domesticity there, Harm, but who are you trying to kid? You can't fool me – I know you too well and there's no way you'd ever get married. You'd never be able to give up that much control over your life ;0) Good try though, Flyboy.

Mac closed the laptop after pressing 'send' and rubbed her eyes. It had been a long couple of days – especially after coming so close on the heels of Harm's near disaster. She was still angry over that one. She couldn't believe how quickly Sturgis had been willing to serve him up on a platter. And she had even come close to forgiving the man for that whole 'name calling' escapade a few months earlier, now she just didn't find herself in a forgiving mood anymore.  
Sighing, she stood and tried to get ready for bed but her nerves were still wound tight. Laughing slightly, she had to admit that Greg Vukovic had balls – they were just the most **_ignorant_** balls she had ever had the displeasure of meeting. No – nix that thought – she didn't ever want to meet his balls. Everything about this guy was so offensive that she couldn't help comparing him to Harm – as his exact opposite! She shook her head again over Creswell's comments that Vic and Harm were 'too much alike'. They were alike in exactly one way, and one way only – they were both 'alpha' males. But Harm was an 'alpha' male in a confident but protective, caring, crusading for truth kind of way. Vukovic was predatory - blindly confident with no concern for what he sacrificed in order to get his way and had no regard for others. He was worm dirt.

Lying on her bunk in an exhaustion that prevented her from sleep, she closed her eyes and thought of her Harm. She wondered what he was doing… more importantly, she wondered what the hell **_she_** was doing and why she couldn't seem to let go with him. At one time it was all she ever wanted. Truth be known, deep down, she knew it was still all she wanted.

She let her mind wander to what could be if she only would let it. She imagined what it would be like to lie in bed with him at night – to curl up on his chest and run her hands over his body. It was so strange – she knew so much about Harm, but there was a whole element to his character that she knew absolutely nothing about. What did he like? What was his favourite position? What kind of sounds did he make when he made love – or did he make any sounds at all? She had to laugh a little – she did know one thing about him – 9 years of being in close proximity to those exquisitely tailored pants had given her a little notion of what '**_he_**' was like. God she loved his tailor. She would have to buy the man a bottle of the finest scotch whiskey if they ever met. Because of those pants, there were certainly more than a few instances when she had been clearly aware of her favourite appendage. '_**He**_''d made himself known enough over the years that she'd actually even nicknamed the little guy – Commander Winkie – and although she couldn't gauge his size completely, she was pretty sure he was at least proportionate to the 6'4" frame of his benefactor. She smiled – she'd love to know what Harm would say if he knew **_that_** little bit of trivia.

She laughed and flipped over in her bunk - her mind returning once again to images of making love with Harm. Was he gentle? Rough? Caring and considerate, or was he really just a mindless jet jock who only cared about pleasing himself? She found that last thought hard to believe with what she understood of Harm, but one never knew she supposed. That thought made her stop dead in her tracks. One **_could_** know if one would just get over herself!

She attempted to get comfortable once again. She had come close to losing him this last week – not for the first time. And it didn't seem to hurt any less each time it happened. She wondered what she would have done if Harm had gotten sent to three years hard labour at Leavenworth? Would she have forgotten about him? Moved on? Not bloody likely. So why was she wasting all this time when they could be together? This was so stupid – why is it she could face down the enemy in hand-to-hand combat, but she was too afraid to risk her heart with Harm? Maybe he was right – maybe they wouldn't fail and all this worrying would be over nothing. What if they were deliriously happy and he was all she could ever hope for and more? Again, not bloody likely, but still… she would never find out unless she tried. She changed positions one more time and tried to settle her mind. Maybe she would try. Maybe, the next time she was with Harm, she would try to let go instead of trying so hard to stop it. Maybe.

She drifted off to sleep with fleeting images of lying naked in his strong arms.

TBC


	14. JAG San Diego

12 MARCH 2005  
0235 ZULU  
THE BELTWAY  
WASHINGTON DC

Mac looked across to the passenger seat and watched Harm sleep – his long legs stretched out before him and, with the seat slightly reclined, his upper body curled tightly against the door. He had passed out cold the moment they'd exited the gates at Andrews after finally returning home from his TAD to Whiting Field. Smiling, she remembered his original hesitation in asking her for this favour.

"Hello?"

"Mac?"

"Harm?" She was instantly concerned at the tone of his voice. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

He chuckled "Nothing's wrong that about 48 hours of being comatose won't fix. I think I only got about three hours sleep in the last 72."

"Good God! Why?"

"Well, they knew they were losing me so they crammed as much as they could into the last three days I was there."

"Are you home?"

"Not yet – I'm on my way into Andrews right now." Harm paused. "That's kinda what I'm calling about, actually. Mac… my car is there but I'm really in no shape to drive… I don't suppose you could…"

"… pick you up? Not a problem, Harm."

He breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Mac. I'd take a cab but I'm afraid I'd pass out in the back and the driver would roll me for my wallet."

Originally, Harm had suggested they just leave his vehicle there but instead, Mac had taken a cab to Andrews and was now driving the Lexus back into the city. Driving Harm's vehicle was strange – she hadn't gotten the chance to drive it much in the past and now it just felt… almost domestic. As a matter of fact, it felt especially domestic just by the act of being there in the airport to greet him in the first place - almost like she was 'welcoming her man home'. She had stood there fidgeting before he'd exited the gate, watching other families hugging and kissing in warm greetings and becoming more and more agitated. She'd picked him up lots of times at the airport before, but things between them had sort of changed recently and she had no idea what she was supposed to do now. Should she give him a hug? A kiss on the cheek?  
As it turned out, she worried needlessly. When she'd seen Harm literally stumble through the gates, she'd automatically taken his suit bag off his shoulder, slipped under his arm and snaked hers around his waist in an effort to keep him upright. The result had been almost as good as a hug, and in some ways better – it wasn't forced, it didn't have to end quickly, and again, it seemed almost domestic. Like they'd skipped right over the '_star struck lover awaiting her hero's return_', straight to '_life-mate being there for better or for worse_'. "Harm tell me you didn't get this way from flying."

"OK. I didn't get this way from flying."

"Thank you… although why do I not believe you?"

She looked over and watched him some more. He was so cute when he slept. She'd always loved watching him – ever since way back the first time they were in Russia. But now, since recent events, the idea of watching him sleep was close becoming an obsession. Ever since she'd had those thoughts on the Condon about being with Harm, she'd been having a hard time getting them **_out_** of her head.  
As she pulled up outside his building, he began to stir.

"Hey Sailor – we're home."

Harm rubbed his face and groaned.

"You okay?" She massaged his shoulder soothingly.

"This napping is for the birds, Mac. I need about 12 hours straight uninterrupted before I can even begin to function again."

Mac chuckled as she came around the other side of the car and opened the door for him. "It's okay, Flyboy – I got ya."

Fifteen minutes later, she helped him flop onto his bed.

"G'night, Mac – I owe you for this."

"Oh don't worry, I won't let you forget." She pulled the light duvet over him even though it wasn't particularly cool in the loft - she just didn't know if she could stand to see him in those boxers and t-shirt for much longer without taking action. As it was, she couldn't refrain from 'tucking him in' as she pulled up the covers. Sitting on the side of the bed, she watched him as he immediately drifted off to sleep – lightly brushing her finger through his little cowlick and gently smoothing a stray hair on the side of his head. He was just so perfect to look at she didn't want to stop. It suddenly occurred to her that she really didn't want to leave either. Briefly, she considered going to sleep on the couch but quickly realized that it wouldn't be enough. She wanted to be here in this bed with him – she couldn't help it. The thought made her pulse race – he was asleep – he didn't know what she was thinking – suddenly, she had all the time in the world just to enjoy being here watching him… being next to him. Maybe she could just curl up for a bit… just to see what it would be like to lie in his bed with his strong arms around her… just to see... Besides, Harm was always concerned about her being in his neighbourhood so late at night – and the fact that she would have to call a cab actually made it worse… surely he would understand. Tomorrow was Saturday… he would be sleeping in… maybe he'd never even notice she was here... Quickly, without even really thinking about the consequences of what she was doing, Mac lifted his arm and the duvet, and curled her back against him, bringing his arm back down around her and tucking his hand under her chin. For a moment she thought she'd gotten away with it until she heard a sleep-drugged voice in her ear, "Don't start something you're not prepared to finish, MacKenzie."

"Shhh… go to sleep, Flyboy. You talk too much."

Harm was too tired to respond, other than to snuggle her in closer against his chest. He didn't know why she was here… what it was all supposed to mean… but he didn't have the wherewithal to try and figure it out at the moment. All he knew was that Sarah MacKenzie was in his bed, and the **_very moment_** he'd stored enough energy, he was going to do something about it. Opportunities like this didn't present themselves every day and he wasn't going to let this one pass by unanswered. He'd given her a warning – if she stayed now, she was fair game. She knew his intentions toward her – maybe this was her way of telling him she was finally ready? At any rate, if he could just get a few hours sleep… God help him, he was going to try something.

Five hours later he awoke with a start to an empty bed. He sat up quickly and scanned the apartment. "Mac?" His voice was met by nothing but silence. "Damn it!" he cursed and fell back on the bed in frustration. Grabbing the extra pillow angrily and hugging it to him, he inhaled deeply – he could still smell her – she couldn't have been gone long. He cursed again and rocked back and forth as he forced himself back to sleep – trying desperately not to dwell on another lost opportunity.

14 MARCH 2005  
1430 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA

"Colonel MacKenzie." Mac answered the phone curtly as she gathered files on her desk. She had minimal time to dispose of her current case load and then race home to pack for San Diego. The idea of San Diego would have thrilled her even more if Harm were coming along. This could have been a perfect opportunity to test out her newfound confidence regarding their relationship. As it was now, she decided instead it would be a perfect opportunity to lull Vukovic into a false sense of security so that he would try something on her and she could finally smack him with that 'Conduct Unbecoming' charge.

"Don't forget your sunscreen, Marine."

Mac smiled and sank back into her chair. "Harm… why are you calling me from your office?"

"I didn't want to arouse suspicion."

"Suspicion of what?"

"Well, you know…" he replied cryptically. Truthfully, he didn't want to tell her he felt like a giant, walking erection around her lately and it made him self-conscious. "… suspicion of why I was in your office. I don't really have a good reason for being there other than I wanted to wish you a good trip… and to say that I wish I was coming along. It's been a long time since I've seen you in your bikini."

Mac's shoulders sunk. "Yeah, I'm sure you're really upset – you get to be the acting JAG."

"A hollow victory when it means I don't get to boss around your little Marine six…"

"Ha – ha, very funny."

There was a slight uncomfortable silence so Mac attempted to fill the space. "Did you get caught up on your sleep over the weekend?"

"Yeah, I did actually. Thanks again for coming to pick me up."

"Hey, any time. You were pretty wiped Friday night – I don't think I've ever seen you quite that tired before."

"Yeah – I slept like a baby." Harm purposely left a pause before he continued. "I had some pretty interesting dreams Friday night too."

Mac's heart started beating a little bit faster. "You did?"

"Yeah." He returned in a low, bedroom drawl. "I dreamt I had a beautiful woman in my bed."

"Lucky you…" The sudden absence of saliva in her mouth made it extremely difficult to talk, "… sounds very exciting."

"Well," he chuckled, "I think it would have been if it hadn't been a dream… when I woke up, it turned out she wasn't really there after all."

Mac was suddenly thankful that he **_hadn't_** come into her office. She was so flushed at the moment, there was no way that anyone looking at her wouldn't have noticed. "I'm sorry… to… uh… hear that."

"You have no idea, Mac. But I guarantee you one thing."

"What's that?"

"If she ever finds herself in my dreams again, she won't be getting out of them quite so easily."

There was another moment of silence as Mac tried desperately to snap herself out of a self-induced stupor.

"Mac?"

"Yes, Harm."

"I was wondering…"

"Yes?"

"Well, when you get back from San Diego… do you think, maybe… I could take you out?"

"Out?"

"Yeah… like… you know… on a… date?"

"You mean… on a **_date_**, date?"

Harm's voice was soft and gravely, "Yeah… a date, date."

Mac had to search to find her voice, but managed a quiet reply. "I… think I'd like that."

TBC


	15. Death at the Mosque

3 APRIL 2005  
00152 ZULU  
SAINT VINCENT HOSPITAL  
BLACKSBURG, VIRGINIA

Harm watched out of the corner of his eye as Mac passed through his vision. He felt sick to his stomach over his behavior but his mind was numb. He was seconds from calling out her name when a sound drew his eyes to the far corner of the waiting room. What he saw caused him to blink and do a double take. Mac had lifted a small gym bag from the floor up to one of the rows of seating against the wall, and took out a sweater which she then refolded as a pillow and placed it atop the bag.

Harm sighed. "Mac, what are you doing?"

"I'm making myself comfortable."

"Mac – you don't have to stay here..." He said the words, but the truth was he would be glad to have her near – just as long as she didn't talk to him or try to offer comfort. It was only those things he was scared of – not her presence.

"Harm…" she cut him off, "… if the situations were reversed… would you leave?"

Harm managed a sheepish glance at her and spoke a quiet "No."

"Not even if I tried to make you go?"

Harm just glanced at her with a look that didn't need a voice to make the message heard. It said 'Of course I wouldn't'.

Mac nodded her head in understanding. "I had a long drive and I'm pretty tired. If you need me for anything Harm… you know where to find me." With that, she tucked her legs up on the row of seating and laid her head on the gym bag. Harm remained silent. The last sound she remembered hearing was the steady beep of the heart monitor coming from Mattie's room.

At some point in the middle of the night, Mac became aware of her surroundings, but she didn't open her eyes. Her internal clock told her it was barely past 2am, Harm had moved to sit beside her and had lifted her feet into his lap where he was lightly massaging her calves through her jeans. She stole a glance through her eyelids and observed him staring sadly straight ahead – almost unaware of his own actions. She felt the overwhelming need to comfort him, but instinctively knew that if she tried, he would throw up his walls again. She chose instead to remain as she was, feigning sleep, and relishing in the sensations his hands were creating. She suddenly had the thought of the two of them as a married couple, at home on their couch after a long day. She sighed audibly at the thought and she felt Harm suddenly halt his ministrations. Mac pretended she was still asleep and a moment later, Harm resumed his massage only this time his right hand stole underneath her pant leg to caress the skin of her leg briefly – almost lovingly. Mac fought back tears and relished the sensation again. Drifting off, she dreamt of little dark haired babies with sea green eyes.

Mac awoke several times in the night, but only once did she find him attempting rest himself. He was lying on the row of seating directly across and facing her. Closing her eyes again, she realized that brought her tremendous comfort.

The last time Mac awoke, it was to Harm shaking her arm gently. "Hey Marine, rise and shine. You've gotta leave now if you want to make it to work on time."

Mac lifted herself up and stretched uncomfortably. "Any change?"

Harm hung his head sadly. "No." Then he offered her a slight smile. "Not the most comfortable bed, is it?"

"I've slept on worse."

"Yeah, like the desert floor."

Mac looked at Harm's tired eyes. "You didn't sleep at all, did you?"

Harm shrugged, "Some… but when I do, I keep… I just keep thinking that I'm going to wake up and find that this is all a dream… but then I wake up and I realize it's not…"

Mac resisted the temptation to reach out and touch him. "C'mon, Sailor. Let me at least buy you some breakfast."

Harm reached to the floor beside him and brought up a small brown bag and a paper coffee cup. "I already packed you a lunch." He attempted another small smile.

She sighed heavily. Once again Mac had a sudden flash of them in a comfortable marital relationship. In some ways, it felt like they had been married for years - an unhappy, painful marriage devoid of sex and words of love… but a marriage nonetheless.

Harm silently helped her gather her things and then walked her out to her car. As she was closing the door, he finally spoke and handed her a plain white business envelope. "Don't open this until you get back to Washington, okay?"

Mac's heart tightened, but all she could do was just stare at him as she laid the envelope on the seat beside her. "Take care, Harm. I'll keep saying prayers for her."

He stepped back from the car and squinted into the distance before looking back at her. "Thanks, Mac" he said so quietly she almost didn't hear. She stepped on the gas and accelerated out of the space before the tears came.

She had only driven twenty minutes before she could no longer resist and pulled over to the side of the road to open the letter.

_'Dear Mac,_

_  
I'm sorry I can't say this face to face, but… well, you know me – I just can't. Ironic isn't it, how often that phrase seems to be coming up lately between us. I've got to tell you I hate it – it's my new, most unfavoured phrase in history. Unfortunately, it still happens to be true. _

I'm sorry I'm doing this – I have no excuse but that I have to. I'm so afraid right now, I just can't explain it. Mainly I'm afraid that if I stop concentrating on her for even just one second, she'll die. I know it's unreasonable, but I can't help it. And you distract me Mac, you're the only thing that can make me forget her right now and I just don't want to do that.

Besides, this is my 'modus operandi', isn't it? I mean, if you remember when Bud was hurt, I didn't let go until after we found out he was going to be okay? Well this is kind of like then. But this is so much worse, Mac - this is killing me – and I'm so afraid I won't be able to come out the other side of it.

I never came right out and told you this but I imagine you figured it out - I love her, Mac – almost as much as I think I would a child of my own. She seeped under my skin right at a time when I desperately needed someone to love me… maybe because she reminded me so much of what I thought you'd be like as a young girl, I don't know. All I know is I needed her then and she needed me. But I have to tell you, Mac – as much as I love her, the way I feel about Mattie isn't even close to the way I feel about you and you have no idea how much that scares me. I've been ready to let go with you for awhile now – almost forgetting the pain of losing my father… almost forgetting the promises I made about never letting myself get hurt like that again… now it's all come back to me full force. It's like someone's giving me a warning not to get too close to you. Mac, if I feel this way about what's happened to Mattie, what if I let go with you and something like this… I can't even think it, Mac! I couldn't do it – I honestly don't think I could survive something like that.

As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm watching you sleep, feeling a little bit like a voyeur, but mostly just overwhelmed at your beauty and the way I feel about you… I guess the way I've always felt about you. And as much as I want to will all my energy into getting Mattie better, there's still the larger part of me that just wants to scoop you up in my arms and carry you off to a hotel room… (assuming you'd let me, of course – ha) Unfortunately, being reminded of all that could be mine is also a huge reminder of what could also be so easily taken away again. I guess what I'm trying to say is this is all too much for me right now, Mac – my mind can't fathom any of it. Please, I'm begging you, please just stay away from me. I'm so angry about all of this – about the unfairness of what's happened to Mattie and the unfairness regarding my wants and needs when it comes to you… I'm afraid that if you try and talk to me I'll snap and say something stupid and angry like I always do – and I hate that so much about me. You've always had the power to make me act like an ass and that only gets worse when I'm feeling vulnerable. Please don't even mention this letter to me, and if you would, please burn it – I really don't need any more reminders of my weaknesses floating around out there – I just needed you to know that I'm not running hot and cold – I'm not able to turn it on and off like a bilge switch as you once so eloquently put it – I just desperately need to suppress everything else right now in order to deal with Mattie. I'll try and come to you when I'm ready, but I don't know... I'm scared Mac, and I really just need to deal with this on my own.

H.

Mac laid her head on the steering column and cried. She knew something like this would happen the minute she thought about opening her heart to him. She couldn't understand how fate could be so cruel to them once again. How every time they seemed to be approaching the place that would finally bring them together, something intervened to drive them apart once again. She had only just decided in San Diego that she was ready to let go with Harm. That talk she had had with the girls in the bathroom regarding the kind of men they fell for had almost solidified it for her. For the first time in her life, when Tali Mayfield had made the glaringly obvious remark about commanders bars to her, she felt herself not only **_not_** denying the attraction, but actually relishing in the fact that others already considered them a couple. It almost made her feel as if they already **_were_** a couple – all that needed cementing was the last step – her going to Harm and telling him she was ready. Then the news had come almost immediately. After putting off Harm's call, she had sat down at the table only to have the General pull her aside.

"Colonel MacKenzie – have you spoken to Commander Rabb recently?"

"Actually, I was just speaking to him a second ago."

"Good – I only just checked my voice-mail now, so I didn't get to talk to him. How's he holding up? Is there any news yet on her condition?"

Mac's heart had sunk to the bottom of her stomach and she shook her head, "What are you talking about? He didn't tell me anything…" she stuttered quickly, "I… I was late for coming here so I told him I'd call him back? What's wrong?"

"Oh…" the General looked uncomfortable about having to break the news to her, "… his voice-mail was to ask permission to turn the acting JAG over to Turner. That something had happened to the girl that was his former ward – an aviation accident due to a snow storm. Apparently she's been critically injured."

Mac's heart had sunk again and she covered her mouth, "Oh God, Mattie." Suddenly, all she wanted to do was to get home. "General, do you mind?" She reached into her purse for her cell phone, "I should really…"  
The General raised his hands in defense. "Not a problem, Colonel. We'll start without you."

She had tried for a half-hour to get a hold of him again, leaving three messages – one each on his cell, home and work numbers. She even phoned Blacksburg information and tried to call the Johnson home, but she only got Tom's voice on the answering machine and she didn't feel comfortable leaving a message. Eventually she had returned to the table, completely dejected. Feeling like she had once again let down her only friend in his time of need, but also bound and determined to make it up to him by being there for him every step of the way. Now that opportunity had been taken away from her as well.

The agonizing thing was she completely understood the pain Harm was describing in his letter. She was guilty of succumbing to that kind of fear herself. In fact, she was still dealing with it. The fact that Harm had stated to her in no uncertain terms that he wanted to go through with the baby deal did not exactly leave her jumping for joy. He had made it pretty clear that he wanted to be a part of her life and obviously wanted to pursue a physical relationship with her, but there was never any mention of whether he wanted that to lead to a marriage or even a permanent relationship. There was just something about Harm that always made her assume that he would never marry. That he was the kind of man to not let himself get tied down to any woman. Of all the women he had dated (not that there had been a lot that she was aware of), he had never once mentioned he was even **_considering_** marriage. If she had succumbed to his wants, she would have gotten the physical relationship – but for how long? And was Harm someone that she could watch move on to someone else after he was bored with her?

She gave up thinking – what good was it to figure this all out now anyway – now that Harm was once again inaccessible to her. Taking a deep breath, she dried her tears and then angrily slammed her car into gear - peeling off down the highway towards Washington and nearly bashing her radio within an inch of it's life when the only station she could receive insisted on taunting her with what had to be the most depressing song in history - Gilbert O'Sullivan's _'Alone Again, Naturally.'_

TBC


	16. Two Towns

**A/N: Thanks all for sticking through that rough patch with the site - I don't know what was going on there for awhile, but rest assured I DO put up a new chapter daily - they should be showing up by 6pm EST at the very latest. I apologize for the angst in the story right now, but I am bound by CANON on this one so I can only deal with what TPTB gave us! I'm trying to make them as close as possible without contradicting their words and actions that we saw on screen - it's not always easy! Just keep in mind that we all know how it ends, and at least ANY communication between the two is better than what we got on the show, right? Thanks for reading and all the wonderful reviews! **

9 APRIL 2005  
0320 ZULU  
MARINE CORPS RESERVE CENTER  
KRESGE, OK

**From: "Harm" (flyboy63(at)gmail(dot)com)**

**To: "Mac" (notajarhead(at)hotmail(dot)com)**

**Subject: Hey**

**Sent: Fri 04/08/2005 9:36 PM**

_Hey Mac,_

_I'm sorry we didn't get to talk much this morning. I really wanted to… it's just that… well, I guess it's hard to know what to say to you anymore.  
I do want to thank you for giving me the space that I asked for this last little while… awww hell, Mac… do you mind if we just don't talk about this? I still just can't, okay? I can talk about other stuff... I'd like to talk about other stuff... but just not this – not yet._

_This sucks… 17 young men gone in an instant - that's almost one entire generation for this little town - and I have to say, it's really hard to be here with their families. You know, Mac - I have to believe that what we're doing in Iraq is the right thing, but to be here at this end of things is tough. It all sort of reminds me of this time that Keeter and I were in Newfoundland – did we ever tell you about that? We stopped there to refuel once when we were ferrying a couple of Tomcats back to Andrews from the North Atlantic, and then we ended up stuck there for a couple of days when a storm came right in behind us. Turns out it's a great place for Trout fishing (there's literally thousands of little ponds everywhere - and you know how Keeter is about his fishing), so we ended up going back a few times on leave just for that. Anyway, we were there on July 1st one year and there was this parade going on – it was just like a Memorial Day parade – all the veterans were out and the local military units. So Keeter and I, being the inquisitive guys that we were, asked some locals what was happening and they told us it was a parade in honor of a World War I battle. Turns out, on July 1st 1916 - over 800 men of the Royal Newfoundland Regiment went over the top of their trench into battle – a half an hour later, only 68 were left to answer roll call. Can you imagine that, Mac? Keeter and I were floored – I mean, that island has such a small population. Some of those kids were only 16 years old and were serving alongside their fathers and brothers. One family lost four sons that day – all of them officers. I don't know, but for some reason it really resounded with us, so whenever Jack and I went back there on a fishing trip, we always made sure it was during July 1st, just so we could be there for the parade again.  
Thing was, the British learned from that, Mac – they didn't let them fight as a unit in WWII just for that very reason. They made them all join different units so that this kind of thing wouldn't happen again. Do you think maybe we should be doing something like that too? I mean, while I admit there must be a certain amount of comfort to go to war with your lifelong friends and neighbours, the trade off when something goes wrong can't be worth it. To see the looks on these people's faces, Mac… it's heart-breaking… I mean the people of Newfoundland hadn't forgotten some 70 years later – and I can tell you, the people of Kresge, Oklahoma aren't going to be forgetting soon either, I guarantee it. What a Godamn shame._

_Wow – I'm not sure I've ever been quite this depressed over a case… maybe it's because of Mattie… the fact she hasn't woken up… the fact that I can't bring myself to lean on my closest friend… And to top it all off, I think for the first time in my life, I find myself questioning my own support of the military in general… this sucks, Mac! Did I mention that before?  
You know, when we brought in the New Year a few months ago, I had real hope that this year was going to be good - maybe even something really special - but now I think I have to say it's ranking right down there at the all time bottom of the stack._

_Well, I better take off before I go completely morbid on you. Bud and I are back at the Marine Corps Reserve Center bright and early again tomorrow. I hope everything is going well for you over there. I worry about you y'know. So much. Please come home soon._

_H._

11 APRIL 2005  
1645 ZULU  
MARINE REGIMENTAL HQ  
SOUTHERN IRAQ

Mac wiped her eyes and hit the 'return' button on Harm's email. She had been so relieved to finally find some form of communication from him – these last weeks had been hard. Even though she had once again resolved herself to the fact that her and Harm would probably never be anything more than friends, she still wanted to be around him – to help him through this thing with Mattie. Now, after reading his email, she realized his depression was spilling over into other areas of his life as well. Despite her intense disappointment at the loss of a possible deeper relationship with him, she still wanted more than anything to reach out and give him a hug right now.

**From: ****"Mac" (notajarhead(at)hotmail(dot)com)**

**To: "Harm" (flyboy63(at)gmail(dot)com)**

**Subject: Flyboy**

**Sent:** **Mon 04/11/2005 6:56 PM**

_Oh, Harm. What am I going to do with you? This doesn't sound like the cocky jet-jock who's been my best friend for the last nine years. I'm sorry you're feeling low, but you're right. I agree with you wholeheartedly that it's much easier to be here – at the pointy end of the stick – than back there with the families that have to go on with their lives after their very souls have been ripped apart. As much as I didn't want to come out here, I definitely think I got the better of our two assignments this time._

_No, you guys have never mentioned that story to me before – how incredibly sad (although Jack **has** gone on and on about the fishing in Newfoundland before ;0) Hey, maybe you guys could take me there this July – we could all go fishing. I'd be willing to place a bet right now that I'd kick both of your butts. What do you say, Flyboy? Biggest Trout has to clean the entire day's take?_

_Well, I have some good news for you. I have some hard evidence that what we're doing here is not completely useless. In the course of my investigation, I found that an Iraqi man who we originally thought was responsible for the attack, was not only innocent, but was still dedicated to help the coalition forces even after we nearly incarcerated him (previous to the attack, he had been helping the American military here to try and track down insurgents). As a result of him being exonerated, he and his mother opened up a school in the town – with the local Marine commandant's support. It was really amazing to see how the locals came around – to ask questions to the Marines – to find out what is really going on (it is sometimes overwhelming to find out the kind of false propaganda they are fed by the Taliban). Although I completely understand your frustration with the effort here, Harm, I think I am finally witnessing real progress. I think this is exactly what it will take – we have to try and win the hearts and minds of the law abiding Iraqi's – to make them understand that we are there to help them get out from under an oppressive dictatorship, not to impose another one on them. Once they realize this, then I think they will kick the terrorists out of their own country all by themselves! We just need to win their trust. Unfortunately, it's hard to gain their trust when they see Marines shooting other Iraqi's in the street – if only these damn insurgents would wear uniforms so that not only us, but other civilians could see who the 'bad guys' are!_

_Okay – I have to run and get a 'shower' before my flight leaves in 30 minutes, then I'm out of here! Try and stay as positive as you can, Harm – I know it's hard – but… well, I'm always here if you need anything – you know that. I will stop in and see Mattie for you if you're not back by the time I am. She's my friend too and believe it or not, you don't have a monopoly on selflessness. Besides, before she went back to her dad's, she asked me to take care of you – to make sure you didn't get too sad. I have to go apologize to her because I obviously haven't been doing a good job, and for that I am sorry._

_Take care,_

_Mac_

_P.S. Ummm… I'm not sure how to say this, but have you been taking out your frustrations in the gym lately? I couldn't help noticing the size of your biceps the other morning – holy crap! I mean… well, you've always had a nice… well, I mean you've always been… **toned**, shall we say… but I don't think I've ever seen you quite this big before… Okay, that's it… I'm going to quit right now before I really get myself in trouble… ;0)_

**From: "Harm" (flyboy63(at)gmail(dot)com)**

**To: "Mac" (notajarhead(at)hotmail(dot)com)**

**Subject: Re: Flyboy**

**Sent: Tue 04/12/2005 9:36 AM**

_Well Mac, I have to hand it to you – you actually made me crack a smile there – thanks. Sigh – your post script left me with so many 'come back' opportunities – if I was in a better mood, you'd have been sorry you ever cracked open your laptop yesterday. But yeah… I guess I have been hitting the gym pretty hard since Mattie's accident. I usually run, but lately I've just had this intense frustration that running doesn't seem to entirely resolve._

_Thanks though – you really did make me feel better – with everything you said. Especially about what you went through in Iraq – we need more stories like that to help lift everyone's spirits back here._

_These last couple of days have been crazy. Do you want to hear ironic? Turns out, the poor guy who was the only one from this town who survived the explosion, actually burned down the Marine Corps Reserve Center the other night. The poor guy is so messed up Mac – talk about your 'survivor's guilt'- but the amazing thing is that the town forgave him. He has come to represent the son to every family that lost theirs over there, and they are determined to stand behind him no matter what. Even more surprising is that they forgive us – the military – for taking away their children. I guess I was feeling a little bit of survivor's guilt myself there for awhile – feeling like I was the representative of the 'evil machine' that robbed them of their children. But thank God **they** don't see it that way. Despite their immense pain, they're proud of their children's sacrifice. I guess I'm so used to the Washington scene, where, through some congressman championing a cause, you usually only find yourself meeting the kind of parents who are outraged that their children sometimes die 'for nothing'. I don't know, Mac – but I think that even if someone in the military dies in a training accident, or a friendly fire incident, it still doesn't take away from their sacrifice. I mean – they were still willing to give their life in service of their country and they did. The **way** they died shouldn't take away from that sacrafice. I mean, I suppose I've done some things in the past that people have considered 'heroic', but if I were to die in something less glamorous – oh, say like getting blown up by a land mine after swerving off the road to avoid a **GOAT** for example – well, I wouldn't want people thinking that my death had been 'a waste' or 'pointless'. I was still serving my country and I consider it an honor to do so – and an honor to die doing it. I wouldn't want my family to take that away from me. Anyway, it's so refreshing to see a group of people that really understand that._

_I'm here for another couple of days yet, but I'm glad you're on your way home. Being here, well… it's made me realize how you shouldn't waste the time that you have… that every day is precious… Mattie's made me realize that too and I just wish that I could… I don't know… snap myself out of this mood… fear… whatever the hell it is… but it's so hard, Mac. Could you email or call me when you get home. I just want to know that you're safe._

_Harm_

_P.S. Did Mattie really ask that of you? Funny girl. I'll have to ask her about that when... well, you know..._

_BTW, that fishing trip sounds like a great idea. We'll have to call and see if we can spring Keeter from Houston – I'm sure he'd be as eager as I am to watch you do your womanly duties and clean all our fish ;0)_

TBC


	17. The Unknown Soldier

14 APRIL 2005  
2354 ZULU  
RFK STADIUM  
WASHINGTON DC

Harm took his ticket back from the usher and squinted his eyes in the direction she had pointed. It wasn't long before he spied the exact pair of bald heads he was looking for.

"How did the two of you manage to score Opening Day National's tickets?"

"Are you kidding?" Tom Boone stood and grasped the younger man's hand strongly. "A.J.'s got connections with the pitching staff."

Harm smiled when he stood in front of his old boss – he sure was a sight for sore eyes. "Admiral."

"Damn it Rabb, you look like hell."

"Thanks, sir." Harm sat in the empty seat between the two of them. "It's been a long year."

"It's only April."

"My point exactly." Harm suddenly felt as if this seemingly innocent invitation to a baseball game might have a more sinister motivation behind it.

"I'm sorry to hear about the little girl Harm. I liked her – she had spunk."

Harm eyed his old boss angrily. "She still does, Admiral."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to suggest…"

Harm reddened slightly. "No, it's my fault… I told you guys I wouldn't be much fun. I'd rather be down in Blacksburg with Mattie, but Coates is with her tonight…"

"I know." A.J. stared out onto the field. "How do you think we managed to get you to the park?"

He knew it. There was some sort of conspiracy going on here and the very idea of it was making him nervous.

"You need some down-time, Harm." Tom Boone handed him a beer. "Look – good ol' George 'Dubya''s going to throw out the first pitch."

"Great," A.J. grumbled – what an ominous way to start out the team's Major League career. The last time the home team has won here after a presidential first pitch was in 1962 with JFK! They lost in 1964,'65 and '67 after Lyndon Johnson threw out the first pitch, and again 1969 with Richard Nixon."

"Well, at least it's a bipartisan hex." Harm offered hopefully.

Forty minutes later, after several beers and much yelling and cheering, Harm was feeling more relaxed and even a little bit better. As such, he wasn't prepared when the onslaught began.

"So…" A.J. spoke up. "...I got a call from Gordon Creswell the other day."

Suddenly all the hair on the back of Harm's neck stood on end. "You did?"

"Yeah." Once again, A.J. kept his eyes focused on the field. "Imagine my surprise when he told me that he had to bring in new people because he felt that none of the existing staff had heart… or any kind of 'fire in their bellies' - I believe that's how he phrased it."

Harm just cracked a peanut and didn't respond.

"He told me he'd never worked with such a bunch of sad, tired creatures in his entire career."

"Maybe he just hasn't gotten to know us yet." Harm shrugged, but in reality he knew it was true. He, Mac and Sturgis had all been going through a rough time since the Admiral had been gone. Heck, even Bud, of all people, had ended up in anger management classes.

Suddenly Tom Boone turned sideways in his chair. "Harm, what the hell is your detailer doing? Can't he get you a billet outside of DC? I mean, shouldn't he be trying to get you an upwardly mobile position instead of stagnating all this time? Not to say you haven't done a good job at HQ, but it's way past the point of advancing your career any."

Harm shifted in his seat. He had been right, this was a conspiracy – one of the worst kind – and he had a feeling he knew exactly where it was headed. "Oh… my detailer has lots of ideas for me, sir."

"But you keep telling him you want to stay put, don't you?"

"Yes, sir." Harm was breaking out in a sweat, despite the chill in the night air.

There was a moment of silence before A.J. spoke "This is because of Mac, isn't it son?"

Harm couldn't look at either of them. How could he confirm or deny that? He suddenly wanted to be anywhere else but where he was. His throat closed up with a giant lump and tears threatened at his eyes. He felt like a wild dog backed into a corner. He continued to stare at home plate and refused to answer.

Tom Boone lost his patience "Oh for Christ's sake Harm, why don't you just marry the damn girl and get it over with?"

Harm's eyes darted to his quickly and then went straight back to home plate. The lump in his throat made it hard for him to speak. "I think she would say 'no'."

The two Admirals shared a helpless glance and A.J. shook his head. "Have you talked to her about it?"

"Sort of."

"What do you mean 'sort of'? You mean you proposed to her and she said 'No'? I find that really hard to believe."

Harm could literally hear his walls erecting as the conversation progressed. It was at times like this he felt that Pink Floyd was a genius. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Sounds to me like that's your problem right there, Rabb. You didn't propose to her at all, did you?"

"I've got to be going…" Harm suddenly stood and tried to make his escape but both Admirals pushed him back into his seat before he even managed to get upright.

"Rabb – look at yourself!" Tom Boone poked his finger into Harm's leather jacket. "You're 42 years old for God's sake…"

"41"

"What?"

"I'm 41, I won't be 42 until October".

"Oh, like that makes a world of difference! Harm, it's time to get on with your life! You could still make something of your career. The 0-6 board reports out this month and your name might very well be on it. If it is, you've got some decisions to make. You've been stagnating here for way too long – there's no life in you anymore, son. You used to have a twinkle in your eye – you used to take life by the horns and dare it to throw you off. Now… I hate to say it Harm, but look at you… you're defeated… there's no heart left in you!"

Harm put his forehead into his hand placed his elbow on the arm of the seat. Once again, he couldn't bring himself to respond, but he knew they were right.

"If you love her, you've got to ask her to marry you or you're going to lose her…" A.J. broke open a peanut with his thumb and watched the game again. "…take it from someone who lost the one and only love of his life by not doing enough."

This caught Harm's attention and he lifted his head towards him questioningly.

"Remember that time in Italy when Francesca got kidnapped?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, Marcella told me that after she left me, she kept expecting me to come after her. That she **_wanted_** me to come after her."

"Really?" Harm was genuinely surprised – why would a woman do such a thing? If she still loved her husband, why on earth would she leave him? This was exactly the kind of thing that scared the hell out of him when it came to Mac – he just didn't understand enough about women to know what to do. How on earth do you make sure that they stay?

"Yeah – surprised the hell out of me too. Imagine finding out 20 years too late that you could have had the girl if you'd only just pursued her a little harder."

This thought made Harm almost nauseous and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat again.

"The way I see it Harm…" Boone was talking again - this really was a conspiracy. "You've got to do something about this before it kills you. And if she doesn't want you like you say, then you've got to move on. Get away from her and try to make a life somewhere else".

Harm's throat almost constricted completely. "I can't." He shook his head vehemently.

"Why not?"

"Because I promised her I'd always be there."

"But you said yourself – she's the one that doesn't want you."

"Then she's the one that's going to have to walk away…" he continued to shake his head in affirmation, "… there's no way I could."

17 APRIL  
0246 ZULU  
HARM'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION

"Burnett Residence?"

"Hi, Mom."

"Harmon Rabb, Jr.! I thought my only son had fallen off the face of the earth."

"I'm sorry, Mom. Things have been crazy lately."

"I know, Son. How's Mattie?"

"She's the same." Harm fidgeted – he wasn't used to asking his mom these types of questions, but he was quickly running out of options. "Listen, Mom… I have a question to ask you that's kind of… well… personal. Is that okay?"

"Of course, dear."

Harm hesitated, unsure of how to even go about starting. "Mom… was Dad… you know…'the one' for you, or was it actually Frank?"

Trish Burnett hadn't known what kind of question her son was about to ask her, but she certainly hadn't anticipated that one. "What do you mean?"

"I mean… I know that some marriages… well, they work, even though, you know... they might not necessarily be the love of each other's lives. I'm just wondering who the real love of your life was?"

Trish took a deep breath. "Oh gosh, Harm. Your father and I were married so young. I hadn't really dated anyone else other than him – I didn't really have that much experience to base things on. I supposed technically we might not have gotten married for the best of reasons – I know that personally, I was just anxious to get out of my parent's house – they were a little bit domineering if you know what I mean…" Trish laughed, "… and your father once joked that he only married me to get regular sex…"

That made Harm laugh and turn red all at the same time.

"…but after we were married… gosh, it was wonderful. We were so much in love – especially after you came along. But to answer your question… I'm not sure – it was all so long ago and now after all this time, I can't say for sure what was reality and what was my mind just remembering all the good things. I guess at the time I certainly **_thought_** he was 'the one'." She hesitated again and her tone tinged with concern. "Harm, what's this all about? Why do you ask?"

"I don't know, Mom… I guess I'm just wondering… if that's how you were able to let Frank in after Dad died? I mean, didn't you feel… well, wasn't it hard for you to trust yourself to love someone again? I guess I was just thinking that if Dad wasn't really the love of your life, when you met Frank it wouldn't have been so hard to…" Harm stopped in frustration, "…I don't know how to explain this…"

"Sweetheart, is this about Mac?"

Damn it – why did this have to be so obvious to everyone else? Couldn't he go on a simple fact finding mission anymore without everyone knowing his game plan? "I don't want to talk about it, Mom – I'm just asking a hypothetical question."

"Okayyyy…" Trish decided it was best to play along. "… **_hypothetically_**, what exactly is your question?"

Harm took a deep breath for stability. "How do you let someone into your heart without fear of them destroying it?"

"Oh sweetheart, you can't... it's not possible. But that's actually a good thing."

Harm chuckled sarcastically. "How exactly do you see that, Mom?"

"Because, if after all these years Mac still has the ability to destroy your heart, you've definitely found the love of your life. Count yourself lucky, darling – lots of people don't **_ever_** find them."

He held the phone into his neck and tried desperately to stave off the wave of tears that were fighting to the surface.

Trish understood her son's sudden silence. "She's 'the one' for you, isn't she Harmon?"

He bit his lip and tried desperately to push the words past his throat. "Yeah, Mom… she is." In frustration, he swiped an errant tear off his cheek with the back of his hand.

"Well, darling – yes…it was hard to open up again after your father, but I did it, and you will too. Do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because if you don't, you'll shrivel up and die inside."

18 APRIL 2005  
1915 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
FALLS CHURCH, VA

Mac was walking down the empty corridor on her way back to the courtroom when suddenly, the door to the supply room flew open and a hand grasped her arm and pulled her inside.

"Harm! Oh my God, you scared the hell out of me!"

Before she could ask her next question, he pulled her into a tight embrace. "Shhhh… please Mac – don't say anything." He whispered his plea quietly into her ear. "I just need to hold you for a minute… please."

All she could do was nod her head in agreement – how could she refuse? She almost couldn't hold herself upright. The familiar smell of him was heady and causing her to lose her balance. God how she missed the smell of him… of being this close to him… she tucked her face up into his neck and inhaled… he was like a drug.

For a moment that was all to brief for them both, they held each other tightly and rocked back and forth to unheard music – drawing all the strength from each other that they possibly could. Suddenly, Harm pulled back and looked into her eyes. "Thank you" he whispered as he stroked the bangs from her eyes with his finger. "I… just… needed that." He started to get lost looking at her and then quickly caught himself and turned away. "Now get out of here before someone catches us." He turned her towards the door and opened it, stepping back against the wall so that no one passing by might see. He failed to gain the confidence to meet her eyes again, so he just stared at the back of the room and waited for her exit.

As Mac made her hasty retreat down the hallway, she turned the corner and almost ran smack into General Creswell. "Whoa! You're doing a pretty good imitation of a LAV III there, Colonel."

Mac sniffed and hastily wiped the tear out of her eye. "My apologies, sir." She quickly turned and was gone again.

General Creswell watched the clearly distressed officer disappear around the corner and shook his head. 'What on God's green earth had his predecessor done here that had managed to break the spirit of his entire staff?'

TBC


	18. The Dream Team Pt 1

26 APRIL 2005  
0140 ZULU  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
WASHINGTON, DC

Mac was just snuggling up in the corner of her couch with a book when she heard the soft knock at the door. Standing quickly, she peered through the peep hole and froze – for a moment fearing only the worst. It was Harm, and his presence here could most likely mean only one of two things – Mattie was either awake… or dead.

Fear gripped her heart as she opened the door and asked him the unspoken question with her eyes. It seemed to her like forever before he finally found his voice. "She woke up, Mac."

Closing her eyes and saying a brief, silent prayer of thanks, she gently squeezed his hand and led him into the room. "Wait here - I'll put on the kettle." She didn't know why, but that had always been her grandmother's automatic response to anything crisis related – tea. And it was a good distraction from the overwhelming need she had to take him in her arms. He still looked so broken and she didn't know if he was yet ready for any kind of physical contact from her. Apart from the hug last week that had come out of the blue, he still hadn't touched her and as much as she hated it, she knew she had to let him make the first move - when he was ready.

He followed her into the kitchen and leaned against the door jamb as he silently watched her. Sensing his eyes, she turned around and leaned back against the counter to wait, rubbing her upper arms and studying him with concern. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know." He said weakly. "She just stared at me, Mac. Like she didn't know who I was. Then she just closed her eyes again." He shrugged. "I waited another two hours but finally the nurses kicked me out and said she needed her rest. But they said she's not in a coma anymore."

Mac turned around and poured the boiling water into their cups. "This is good, Harm. We just have to be patient." The 'we' had been unintentional, but she was glad she said it. She wanted him to know that despite everything, she was still there with him in this.

"I know, Mac" he said softly. He passed his hand over the back of his head. "I'm just not good with this waiting thing…"  
He remained draped against the door jamb as he distractedly ran the knuckle of his forefinger along it's edge. "Mac, I want to apologize… for earlier…" he tentatively lifted his eyes to her and then lowered them again. "… that Vukovic comment was stupid and…" he flung his hand out in a helpless gesture. "I really didn't mean it the way it came across…"

Mac just shook her head and smiled. "One of your 'buttons'?"

"Yeah, you know … 'whenever two alpha males get together'…" They both chuckled. Eventually, Harm became serious again. "It's just… like I said in the letter, Mac. You really seem to have the power to…" his mind wandered, trying to nail down the appropriate phrase.

She finished fixing their tea and raised an eyebrow at him in question, "I thought we weren't supposed to talk about the letter?" Turning, she headed into the living room as Harm followed with his eyes, shaking his head in disbelief as she passed closely by.

"Right. But since when have you ever done anything I asked?"

Mac faked offence at his comment. "Ha! You're a fine one to talk!"

They sat in comfortable silence drinking their tea. At some point, soon after sitting down, Harm had quietly laced his fingers with Mac's and not said a word. The act made her feel lighter. Like part of some great weight had been removed from her shoulders.

Some time later, the tea was finished and still they hadn't said another word to each other. Mac knew he was dealing with this in his own way and she also knew there was nothing she needed to say until he was ready.  
Harm, for his part, had been struggling since he left the hospital. It always happened this way for him – the sudden relief of immense stress always caused his walls to crumble like dominos. He knew if he was going to break down, he wanted to be with Mac – she'd always been there with him before. Ever since he'd entwined her fingers with his though, the collapse had felt imminent. The feeling of her soft skin always had the power to make him break. "Mac…?"

She immediately went on the alert and turned towards him.

"… would you… come closer?"

Her shoulders deflated as she let out a sympathetic breath, "Of course, Harm." Pulling the hand she was holding over her head and laying it on her opposite shoulder, she scooted her hip next to his and rested her head against his chest. Immediately Harm's other arm darted out and pulled her tightly against him. He sank his forehead onto the top of her head and promptly lost it - his tears falling silently as Mac squeezed back with all her might. Eventually, it just seemed natural for her to lean backwards against the arm of the couch and let him stretch out beside her - his head on her shoulder as she rubbed his back soothingly.

Harm lay there for a long while. It felt so good to be with her. To tangle his legs with hers and watch the rise and fall of her breasts, his hand placed slightly above her hip. He couldn't help letting his thumb travel towards her navel and back in a soothing motion just underneath the edge of her shirt – trying to steal a hint of skin. Similarly, she couldn't help the occasional finger that slipped through his cowlick or the short hairs on the side of his head, right above the tip of his ear. All at once he knew he his mother was right. This was the thing that made him feel alive inside. It **_had_** to be worth the risk because… well… not having her was pretty much unacceptable. He knew he wasn't going to be able to hold back much longer. All those months of keeping his emotions at bay was paying a toll that Mattie's accident had now brought to a pinnacle of want. To compound matters, Mac's ministrations were almost maternal – making him feel safe and warm… wanted… and loved. Silently, he cursed Oedipus for being so accurate. He'd always found that particular complex entirely repulsive and wrote it off as the fantasies of a truly sick mind. Now suddenly he understood at least where the man had been coming from. The double whammy of Mac's overwhelming sexuality combined with his need to be protected from all the current hurts in his world was driving him closer to losing control than he'd ever been in his life. He took a deep breath and sighed heavily – clinging to the last vestiges of his control as Mac made one last sweep of her finger over the tip of his ear.

Mac had been fighting desires of her own. Selfishly, she was allowing her hands to caress under the guise of comforting him, and it made her feel only slightly guilty. Mainly, it made her feel an intense longing in her belly. All this week she had had an ominous feeling of something imminent. She had no idea what it was, but like the feeling you get when you walk outside just before an impending storm, her senses had been tingling – as if she could sense the forthcoming arrival of some life altering event. It had made her slightly giddy – even in the middle of her sadness for Mattie or Harm's subsequent withdrawal – she still couldn't help the corner of her mouth turning up in a smile as if she knew there was something on the horizon that would turn their world upside down.

This feeling continued even now and seemed to be driving down her old inhibitions at showing physical affection for Harm. Despite her fear that any kind of relationship with him would most likely be purely physical – that he wasn't and would probably never be capable of anything more – she teetered on the brink of pushing aside all those fears just for the pleasure of finally knowing him – to at long last experience him physically… to caress his skin with her fingertips and know what it felt like to have him moving inside her.

As she lay there with him in her arms, she imagined letting herself go…melting into him, even if only for the moment, feeling like they were finally just two spirits in one body. All she could feel was the forceful pull of desire as he ran his thumb slowly back and forth between her navel and hip. After a while she wondered if he had drifted off to sleep until she heard his plaintive sigh and became instantly concerned. In her passion-drugged state, she trailed her finger off his ear and ran her palm down his cheek to turn his face up to hers. "Harm? Are you okay?"

The instant their eyes met, their lips just inches from one another, they were helpless to do anything but act on their desires. Slowly moving towards one another, their lips touched in heart-breaking softness, barely moving at the beginning and then ever so slowly deepening… needing more. An instant after Mac's soft whimper into his mouth, Harm lost all resolve and flipped himself on top of her, pinning her to the couch and using his leverage to take their kiss to a level he'd only previously dreamt about.

Mac responded in kind. She ran her hands up over his chest and shoulders – running her fingers through the short hairs on the back of his neck as he possessively stroked her back and sides. No longer in control of her own body, she eagerly lifted one knee and arched her back, allowing him to sink between her legs. Suddenly and unexpectedly able to feel his hardened manhood as he rubbed it against her hungrily, she was finally forced to break the kiss in order to inhale sharply with desire. As she refocused, she saw Harm's face hovering over her - his need clearly visible.

He brushed his thumb across her bottom lip "God, I want you so badly…" He trailed his fingers lightly down her neck to her chest – mesmerized as he followed their journey. Almost lost in a trance, his eyes abruptly met hers again when he realized she hadn't yet given her assent. "… please, Mac."

She was hypnotized by his face. Her mind suddenly filled with fleeting, unfinished thoughts as to whether she was abandoning all hope of love in exchange for a chance at purely physical desire. In the instant it took her to weigh her odds at this situation ever turning out for their mutual good - or whether she even cared if it did at this point - the telephone rang.

Harm had thought the last seven seconds had been the most excruciating of his entire life – he honestly didn't know what he would do if she stopped him – until the phone rang. Instantly he dropped his forehead to her shoulder and a small sob escaped his throat "no…" he shook his head back and forth in disbelief. Raising his head slightly to her ear, he whispered softly "…ignore it..."

The ringing of the phone had knocked Mac soundly back into consciousness. Now she simply stared at the ceiling and bit her lip.

As the machine finished it's greeting, the sound of Bud Robert's cheery voice filled the room. "Hi, Colonel. I hope it's not too late to call, but I'm having a real problem with my case and I could sure use a sounding board if you don't mind. Anyway, I'll be up for another hour or so if you want to give me a call back. Thanks!"

Even though the call was not urgent, there was no way they could pick up where they left off and Harm knew it. The sound of Bud's voice had broken the spell of the moment as easily as if someone had thrown a bucket of cold water over them. Overcome with frustration and suddenly self-conscious about the fact that he may have just been on the verge of being shot down, Harm raised himself to a sitting position, allowing Mac to do the same.

The silence was too heavy for him and he broke under it's weight. Slowly he stood and walked towards the door. "I should be going, Mac." He grabbed his coat from the hook and slipped it on. "It's late and we both have work tomorrow… I…" he stopped as he turned to find Mac directly beside him with her hand on his arm. Even though he desperately wanted to, he couldn't read the expression in her eyes. He decided she wasn't angry – how could she have been – he had felt her respond - but he thought for an instant the look in her eyes may have been pity. His heart tugged again – suddenly thankful that the phone had rang when it did so that he hadn't had to withstand the pain of her saying 'no'.

TBC


	19. The Dream Team Pt 2

28 APRIL 2005  
0036 ZULU  
HARM'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION

Harm sat on his couch, a glass of Wild Turkey held loosely in his lap. He had just returned from Blacksburg. If it wasn't bad enough that he had lied to Mattie about her father, his mind still ached from all that had transpired with Mac the previous evening. He took a large swallow of the amber liquid, just to feel the burn in his throat. Closing his eyes against it, he sighed as he recalled the events. When he'd left her apartment last night, she had only said one line;

"It's going to be okay, Harm."

Then she had reached up and put a gentle kiss on his lips. He had barely been able to respond because his mind was whirling with it all. What did she mean? What was going to be okay – Mattie… or them? As she had drawn back from the kiss, he'd been seriously torn between breaking down crying out of frustration, or pushing her back down on the couch and picking up exactly where they'd left off. He had come very close to attempting the latter, but her cryptic comment had left him at a loss. Compounded on top of that, he still had an overwhelming dread concerning her earlier silence on the couch.  
Never in his wildest dreams, even though it had been a fear, had he **_truly_** believed that Mac would ever shoot him down if it had come to 'the crunch'. Yet now he was facing the realization that's exactly what might have happened if Bud hadn't called when he did.

His scrambled thoughts whirled inside his head. When the telephone rang beside him, he answered it solely to take his mind away from them. "Rabb" he scowled into the receiver.

"Wow, buddy. Sounds like someone needs a vacation."

Harm's head fell back against the couch and he sighed. Of all people to call, this was one person he could sure stand to hear from right about now. "Hey Jack, how's my favourite _Ass-can_?"

"Ha –ha! No longer an _Ass-can_, my friend!"

Harm lifted his head off of the back of the couch. "You mean…?"

"Yup, I'm a full fledged '_Ass_' now!"

"Holy shit, Jack – you have no idea how jealous I am."

"Yeah, but you forget Harm – the way things are today - we probably got a lot closer to space in those Auroras than I ever will at NASA."

"You're not supposed to know about my Aurora flight, Keeter."

Jack just scoffed. "Harm, your security clearance doesn't even come close to mine anymore."

"Don't remind me. You only have a job that I think I'd kill for."

"It's really not that glamorous you know. We have to memorize a hell of a lot of laundry lists, procedures, protocols..."

"…And you get to play around in T-38s whenever you feel like it. And you get to be CAPCOM in Mission Control. And on a **_bad_** day you get to be chase plane for a landing space craft…"

"Yeah… okay… so it is a **_little_** bit glamorous."

Harm sighed heavily and took another drink of his bourbon. "Thank you. Now if you'd just let me seethe with envy in the first place, we could have avoided that whole nasty scene."

"You sound like crap, man – are you okay?"

"No." Harm stated bluntly. He then proceeded to bring Jack up to speed on what had happened to Mattie.

"Awww, man… I'm really sorry Harm. I know how you felt about her. She was good for you too – you need saucy women in your life to keep you in line. Speaking of which… is Mac there?" Keeter was testing the waters to make sure his favorite Marine had Harm's back.

Harm sighed. "No – that's the other thing…"

"Uh-oh. What did you do this time?"

Harm just shook his head helplessly and stared at the ceiling. "It finally… **_got there,_** Jack."

"Hot Dog! You finally slept with Mac?!" Keeter was so thrilled he almost couldn't contain himself.

Harm placed his forehead in his hand. "No… but it… you know… **_got_** to that point. We were finally there, on the threshold…"

"…**_and?!_**"

"And nothing! The freaking phone rang!"

"Man – you guys have the **_worst_** luck!"

Harm swiped his hand over his forehead again. "Tell me about it. But it gets worse. I… think she might have been about to shoot me down."

Jack couldn't help but be skeptical. "Are you sure?"

"Well… when it got to that… you know – 'point of no return', I basically… you know… asked permission to proceed…"

"Please don't tell me you phrased it like that..."

"No! Of course not!"

"Whew, I was afraid you might have had a little too much Navy training there, buddy." Jack chuckled. "Anyway, you asked for clearance and what did she say?"

"That's just it Jack, there was a good six or seven seconds of complete silence! In my experience with women, silence usually means they're trying to figure out a nice way of saying 'no'."

"Since when has a woman ever said 'no' to you, Harm?"

"Funny, Jack - but there's more."

"What?"

"I begged."

"You **_what?_**"

"I begged, Jack… I've never begged for sex in my life!" Harm stood and paced across the living room, clearly agitated. "I didn't even need to ask! I mean, things were going along… things probably would have just happened! But I needed to be sure… you know… this is **_Mac!_**"

"I know."

"I never thought… **_I've never begged for sex in my life, Jack!_**"

"So you said!"

"I can't believe she was going to turn me down! I mean – she's slept with everyone else I know – why not me?!"

"Whoa there, buddy – watch your language! You're talking about the woman I love."

Harm took a deep breath and slumped back onto the couch. "Et tu, Brutus?"

"And Harm, that '_everyone else you know_' amounts to a total of two men. Two men that you weren't prepared for, anyway."

"I wasn't prepared for Farrow or her husband either... or really Lowne for that matter…"

"You were never prepared for anything when it came to Mac. You just expected her to wait around until you were ready!"

"That's not true! I was ready three and a half years ago - she was the one who ran from me!"

"And what have you been doing these last three and a half years?"

Harm laid his head on the back of the couch again. "I was scared to move. After the way she reacted on the Guadalcanal, I didn't know **_what_** to do. I was afraid anything I did might make her run further." He sighed again and ruffled his hair. "I guess I just always figured there'd be time, you know?"

"Harm, you've had **_way_** too much time to sort this out. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I think if we did a tally, you've slept with more women in the last 9 years than she has men."

"That's not fair - Renee was really only retaliation for Brumby."

"Oh yeah, and who was Jordan a retaliation for?"

Harm immediately went on the defensive. "Jordan was retaliation for… for Mac trying to suck me in with her feminine wiles one Christmas when she realized we were both going to be alone over the holidays."

"And you wanted to punish her for trying to suck you into these feminine wiles… _why exactly?_"

"Because I wasn't ready to be sucked yet!"

"… soooo, you let someone else suck you…"

"No! I mean… I guess, but… it's just different with Mac! And can we lay off these metaphors? They're slightly disconcerting under the circumstances!"

"Hey – you started it."

"Listen, I guess I just… always knew that…" Harm calmed suddenly and released a breath "… once I got sucked **_in_** by Mac, there wouldn't be anyone else. It took me a while to prepare for that."

"Harm, let's look at this reasonably for a second. First of all, are you upset because you begged her for sex or because you think she turned you down?"

"Well… I suppose if I'd begged her and she'd said yes, I can safely say I wouldn't be feeling this lousy right now."

"Okay, second of all, is that what you were **_really_** begging for?"

"**_What?_** What do you mean?"

"I mean, was that all it was? I dunno – call me crazy, Harm – but knowing you, I'm pretty sure that if all you wanted from Mac was sex, you probably could have had that a long time ago… ohhhh, maybe in Sydney for example?"

Harm rubbed his long fingers across his chin and considered Jack's statement.

Taking Harm's silence as agreement, Keeter continued. "Face it, buddy – you weren't begging for sex… you were begging for **_Mac._**"

Harm closed his eyes and nodded sadly. "Yes, I was" he stated quietly.

"So my next question to you is, does Mac know that?"

Harm raised his head slowly. "You mean, you think Mac may be leery to start something with me because she's afraid it's only about sex."

"That's a big ten-four, good buddy."

Harm pinched his eyes with his fingers and shook his head. "Jack? When the hell did you get so smart."

Keeter chuckled. "I've just been watching you and Mac all these years and learned exactly what NOT to do."

28 APRIL 2005  
0107 ZULU  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
WASHINGTON, DC

Mac picked up the ringing extension, pausing only briefly when she saw the caller ID.

"Hey." She said softly.

"Hey." There was an awkward silence for a moment before he continued. "I… uh… needed to talk to you, but I don't think I'm up for a face-to-face tonight."

"Hmmm…" she chided, remembering their rather amorous session the night before, "… was that a Freudian slip?"

Harm chuckled. "I'm not sure… but I guess it did have something to do with that."

Mac sat down and made herself comfortable on the couch – she just loved listening to the sound of his voice. She wasn't quite sure when it had happened, but somewhere in the time between Mattie's accident and now, she'd managed to fall head over heels for this man again. The thought both thrilled and terrified her at the same time.

"Mac… I just need you to know one thing. I think maybe my actions last night may have been misinterpreted …"

Mac's heart plummeted. "Oh?"

"Yeah… I think we should talk about this… soon… you still up for that date I promised you?"

Mac let her head fall on the couch behind her. "Yeah?" She had no idea what he meant by that and she hoped to God it wasn't as bad as she thought - that he wasn't actually planning on taking her out only to let her down easy.

"Good." Harm smiled the first full fledged grin he'd released since Mattie's accident. "Tomorrow night?"

"Yeah." Mac was too scared and anxious to say anything more.

"I'll pick you up at 1900. We'll go to Latour's."

"Okay."

"'Night, Mac."

"'Night."

TBC

A/N: The term _'Ass-can' _is a joke phrase that has been used in the past for 'Astronaut Candidates' going through the NASA Space Program. Before they can become full-fledged Astronauts, they are known as 'As-cans' - I just changed the spelling so you would be sure to get the pronounciation I was going for LOL. I just love Jack Keeter and when I thought about where his career path might have taken him and where we might find him these days - this seemed like the most logical choice!


	20. Fair Winds and Following Seas Pt 1

**A/N: FWFS is in 4 parts. As I said before, I'm not including any scenes that actually happened on the show, so hopefully this won't be too disjointed or confusing! Seeing as this episode only used time stamps (no dates), I'm taking as much liberty as possible with the timeline without blatantly contradicting what was stated. For example, when Harm says "Mac, we've got twelve hours…", I'm thinking maybe he got cut off. Maybe he wasn't saying twelve hours until his plane left, maybe it was twelve hours until… well, you'll see… Thanks very much to _Janlaw_ - a real life Navy JAG officer (ret'd) - for helping me with all the acronyms and making sure all of this was actually possible and realistic! (I'm military - but Canadian Air Force - and we do things a little differently - although not much!) Sorry that this part is a little shorter than the others have been, but it just worked out that this was the best way to divide things up. Thanks for reading everyone!**

29 APRIL 2005

1538 ZULU

JAG HEADQUARTERS

FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA

DURING THE EVENTS OF  
"FAIR WINDS AND FOLLOWING SEAS"

Harm's heart was in his throat as he stood on the other side of Mac's desk. The orders he'd just received that meant their impending separation was bad enough, but suddenly that separation seemed so much closer - she just informed him they only had 3 days to figure things out. "What do you mean 'three days'?" he spoke cautiously, almost afraid of her answer.

Mac handed him back his orders. They'd switched in the elevator so they could each read the other's. "I mean it says here that you separate from JAG HQ in three days."

Harm took back his orders and threw hers down on the desk. He didn't need to find where it said that - he trusted her. Shaking his head in confusion he stared at her. "When do **_you_** separate?"

She picked up her orders and scanned them again. "A week."

Harm laughed distractedly. "Why so soon, do you think? I mean, don't you think it's a little ironic that both of us are getting ushered out of here with no warning?"

"It doesn't say for me, but apparently Captain Jurchuk – the guy you're replacing – has requested you fly out to London to get a hand-over before you take your PCS leave. I'm guessing he's probably got to separate early for some reason. You have to be in London by the 10th of May.

Harm shook his head in sad frustration. "So… I guess our date is out of the question tonight… since we're both going to be packing…"

30 APRIL 2005

0129 ZULU

MAC'S APARTMENT

WASHINGTON, DC

'_Just taking it one day at a time_.' The words resounded in Harm's head and he took a moment to draw in a deep breath. He'd barely been able to look her in the eye since he'd gotten here. He was a nervous wreck and she seemed strangely calm… content almost. Like she'd accepted what was happening and was ready to move on. It was his worst nightmare come true. He turned away, not able to meet her eye anymore. "Yeah, well I gotta run, Mac. You know… more packing to do and stuff…"

Mac bit her lip sadly as she watched him go. She'd only said she was okay with what was happening because she was afraid that Harm **_was_** actually okay with it all. Ever since they'd gotten the news of this, she was afraid Harm would find this as the perfect opportunity to escape from the relationship they had seemed to be on the verge of entering into. His display of only moments ago – his nervous fidgeting and the way he kept looking everywhere except for at her made her realize this may not be the case. She couldn't let him go with another lie left between them. "Harm…"

He paused with his hand on the doorknob and dropped his head. Why couldn't she just let him leave in peace if she was okay with this? Why did she have to draw out the torture? He turned around slowly.

"I'm… ahhh… full of shit, you know." She smiled and looked down at the floor.

Suddenly there was a ray of hope and he raised his eyebrow questioningly.

"I'm definitely **_not_** ready for this…" now it was her turn to nervously look everywhere else but at him.

Harm released a sigh of relief. "Good, because this is killing me…"

Mac finally hedged her teary eyes up to his. "Harm… you've been the one constant thing in my life for so long…" she swiped at her eyes and impatiently shifted her weight to her other leg, "… but I know I've got to be strong about this. This is what we've both always wanted for our careers…" she smiled slyly, "…although I must admit I'd rather it had been **_me_** who had gotten the promotion…"

Harm scuffed his sneaker into the floor and smiled along with her, "Hey, Mac. I meant it before – your turn will come. This is a new command – you never know – they could change the billet to an 06 in a heartbeat. You certainly deserve it. The USMC 0-6 board is only a couple of months away."

Mac sniffed and nodded her head. "You deserve it too, Harm. I never said it earlier, but I **_am_** extremely proud of you. I also like the sound of 'Captain Rabb'."

"Good – then will you come with me to my Frocking Ceremony? I need someone to give me a kiss." He smiled his old Harm smile.

She looked down and shook her head with a grin. "I don't know if kissing you is such a good idea. I may get it into my head not to stop…"

"I wish you would."

The tears welled up in Mac's eyes again and she turned away.

"Listen, Mac…" he ran his hand through his hair in frustration as she walked a few steps away and kept her back to him. "…I just really don't like the idea of being so far away from you… especially now when…"

"When what, Harm?" She turned to face him. "Would this really have actually gotten anywhere? Maybe it's time to just face facts – I for one can't keep doing this. Maybe it's a good thing that this is happening. At least we'll have satisfying careers and we won't keep torturing each other all the time…"

Harm's heart felt like it was tearing in two – 'breaking' would at least be quick and painless – this was slow and sickening. His throat constricted and he struggled to take a deep breath. He couldn't understand why this was always so hard. If he just knew for sure that he was what she wanted, he would give everything up in a minute. The one thing he couldn't do however, was to give it all up again only to find that he didn't really have her heart. Harm looked over her shoulder towards the kitchen window and bit his lip in frustration. "Mac, all I've **_had_** for the last 20 years is my career…" He hoped to God she understood what he was trying to tell her.

Mac looked in his eyes, unsure what he was trying say. She wanted to believe he was saying he would give up the Navy for her, but her mind couldn't fathom that. His blood was Navy Blue back three generations. Even if that's what he **_was_** saying, there was no way she could allow him to do that. She shook her head suddenly to try and collect her thoughts. If only she knew whether he wanted her for more than just sex and reproduction, she could easily give up the Marines for him. It was just that awful feeling that if she gave up the Marines and then lost Harm, she would be absolutely nobody again. Finally her mind ground to a halt with all the conflicting thoughts and emotions. She brought her hand to her forehead. "Look Harm, we have responsibilities here. We both knew that when we joined up. We've been insanely lucky in the last nine years not to get posted anywhere else, but now it's our turn." She took a deep breath and said what she totally didn't feel. "We may not like it, but we can't think about 'us' right now… this is our job and we have duties to perform."

"Shouldn't we at least talk about this?"

"Isn't that what we just did?"

Harm spun around in frustration at her words and put his hand on the door frame. "Is that your final decision?"

Mac shook her head… not understanding. "What do you mean? None of this is '**_my_**' decision…"

Harm looked up and pinned her with a stare that screamed 'You know better than that.' She looked so sad however, that his anger dissipated immediately. He knew they weren't mad at each other, just intensely frustrated with their situation. He removed his hand from the doorframe and opened the door. "I meant about 'us', Mac…" he spoke quietly as he moved himself closer to her body. "If you ever want to talk about… you and me… you know where I'll be."

_TBC_


	21. Fair Winds and Following Seas Pt 2

**A/N: I'm posting a little early today b/c I have company coming later! Thanks for sticking through this rather angsty bit - I'm sorry, but in deciding on what I thought might have transpired during this time period, I wanted to make sure it coincided with what happened in the end - some of the cryptic things that they said that didn't make a whole lot of sense - why they suddenly said things they hadn't voiced before, seemingly out of the blue - and especially why they were still tentative to say how they felt, even right up until the last moment. I hope this fleshes out everything in a much more comprehensive than what we got - at least it's one idea of what could have taken place. Thanks again for reading!**

1 MAY 2005  
0205 ZULU  
HARM'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION

He had almost finished packing and still Mac hadn't picked up his challenge to have 'the talk'. He sat on his bed and stared out across the room – in his fingers he held the necklace he'd bought her in Italy what seemed like a lifetime ago. It was such a beautiful chain… running his thumb over the gold and silver links he remembered how he had kept picturing her wearing it as he had flown home that day. Never before had he been so excited to give something to someone just for the shear pleasure of giving it to them. Of course he'd heard often enough that it's better to give than to receive, but he'd never actually experienced that feeling - not until he felt the anticipation of giving this necklace to her. He knew exactly how he would have done it too… if only he'd gotten her out on that date…

...they would have gone somewhere nice. When he arrived to pick her up, he would have brought her flowers and told her how beautiful she looked, then, when she wasn't expecting it, he would have come up behind her. He would have stood maddeningly close and brought both arms around her as he leaned over her shoulder, holding the box up in front of her to reveal his surprise. Afterwards, he would have asked her if he could put it around her neck – he could just picture her holding her hair up in a bunch on her head – a few wisps trailing down over her delicate neck. After fastening it, he would have leaned over and sealed it to her skin with tender kisses… she would have been putty in his arms… maybe they wouldn't have even made it to dinner…

Now, it suddenly became clear to him why men gave women jewelry. He also now understood why he'd never before given it to any other woman – he'd never loved anyone that much. He struggled for a breath under the weight of his heavy heart. Maybe he'd just mail it to her from London – it wouldn't be the same, but he wanted her to have it. He certainly wouldn't be giving it to anyone else and he didn't want the damn thing lying around his apartment either - a constant reminder of all that he'd lost.  
He sniffed and rubbed his watery eyes. It would have been so good. He would have had her for sure. He was actually pretty good at seduction when he set his mind to it, he'd just never tried with Mac – a reality that he'd never quite figured out the reason to. She never would have known what hit her if he'd ever fully ramped up into 'seductive mode'.

He was a good lover – he knew that. He also really enjoyed sex. The idea that he could make a woman cry out with pleasure by just playing her with his fingers – like he played his guitar - made him feel powerful, but it also just made him feel good. There was a simple satisfaction in knowing that he was able to make someone else feel good for awhile. He shook his head in frustration. He still couldn't quite grasp the concept that he would never bring Mac that kind of pleasure – it almost seemed incomprehensible. How could it possibly be that he would never share that intimate ecstasy with the one and only love of his life? And knowing that, would he ever again be able to be with another woman? Would bringing someone else that joy mean anything to him anymore? Would he ever again take any enjoyment from it himself or would it just cause him to die inside a little more every time? Exactly like he felt right now. Tom Boone had been right – the life had gone out of him somewhere during the last couple of years and he knew exactly why – if love was food for the soul, he was slowly starving to death.

Suddenly overcome with the silence of his almost completely packed apartment, Harm picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number.

"Homo!"

"Hey, Jack. You busy these days? I think I'm up for a trip. Can you get me another tour of the Space Center?"

"Sure Harm. You can even sit in the Flight Director's chair if you want." Harm's voice didn't sound right – couple this with the fact that Harm suddenly wanted to get out of town and Jack was immediately on alert. "Uh-oh… please don't tell me my advice made everything worse…"

"No, Jack… everything got worse all on its own…"

"I'm listening."

"Mac and I both got orders… to opposite sides of the planet…"

"WHAT?! Where?!"

"Mac to San Diego, me to London - Force Judge Advocate, Europe."

"Holy crap! I'd say congratulations, if it wasn't so horribly ironic…"

"Yeah… well, thanks anyway." Harm managed a small smirk.

"Did you… uh… talk to Mac? How does she feel about all of this?"

"I tried, but she seems… I don't know… resolved to the idea that we have to separate."

"But you're not?"

"No. I mean, as much as I love the Navy, Jack… I would give it all up for her… if I just knew…"

"That she loved you."

He sighed heavily. "Yeah."

"How much time have you got 'til you ship out?"

"I've got 13 or 14 hours until the movers get here and then I'm out of this apartment. I have to be in London on the 10th. My Frocking's at 18:00 tomorrow night… what I do between that and the 10th is still kind of… up in the air."

"You got a Frocking!?"

"Yeah – crazy, isn't it? I didn't even think they did that anymore."

"Me neither! Geeze, Harm - they didn't give you much time, did they? Who the hell did you piss off?"

"Keeter, who the hell **_haven't_** I pissed off in my career?" He chuckled bitterly, "But you know me - I perform my best work when I'm under a deadline."

"Well, buddy – that works great when you're cramming for exams, but not so good when you're trying to sort out your life."

Harm rubbed his hand over his face and breathed deeply. "Jack, what am I going to do?"

"I think you know exactly what you have to do. You have to ask her how she feels about you… and none of that cryptic shit either, Rabb! Ask it plain and simple – hell – you might even throw in how you feel about her first."

Harm shook his head as tears welled in his eyes. "I don't think I can" he choked.

Keeter's big heart was breaking for his friend. He'd seen Harm through many a 'Mac crisis' over the years, but never had he heard him quite this devastated. "It's the only way you're going to know for sure, Harm."

"But what if I don't want to know? If I never ask her, then I can always have hope! I don't have to hear that damn 'never' pounding over and over in my brain again…"

"And what good is hope going to be when there's an ocean and a continent between the two of you?" Hearing nothing in response, he continued. "Harm, listen to yourself…"

"I can't, Jack. I think I've finally had enough of this. If she wants to go, she can go."

"You're going to regret it, Harm. I know you. Once you get to London you're going to wish you did more…"

"DAMN IT – I WON'T FORCE HER TO LOVE ME!" Harm shook his head and fought back the sobs. He had to pinch the bridge of his nose so tightly that his head hurt. For the first time in his adult life, he actually felt like curling up in the fetal position. "I'm not Brumby…" he finally managed to croak out, "…that's his MO, not mine. No, Jack - if we're going to do this, I want her to do it because she wants it – not because I talked her into it. She would regret it later and that would kill me I think. I need her to want this or not at all… I won't talk her into it…"

"No," Keeter replied quietly, "but I don't think you're going to have to." He knew the turmoil Harm was experiencing but he forged ahead anyway. He'd always hoped these two would sort things out on their own, but now time had run out and it looked as though he may have to intervene to make things happen. "Harm, just promise me one thing. If she comes to you, you have to tell her how you feel."

Harm shook his head in dismay. "It's not going to make a difference, Keeter – she's made her decision."

"Harm! Promise me you will"

Harm took a deep breath and scrubbed his hand over his face. "I promise" he whispered

"I'm serious, Harm…"

"I promise, okay!"

TBC


	22. Fair Winds and Following Seas Pt 3

**A/N : Another early post today b/c of the holiday. I promise, this is the last "angsty" chapter! Where this chapter ends, "the infamous 7.5 minutes" take place as per what we saw on TV. My last chapter (which I'll post tomorrow) will pick up just after the "7.5", so hence - definitely NO ANGST there! LOL Thanks for reading!**

1 MAY 2005  
0225 ZULU  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
WASHINGTON, DC

Ever since Harm had left the night before, Mac couldn't get the haunted look of his eyes out of her mind. She turned up the stereo so she didn't have to listen to her mind think… didn't want to believe it when it tried to tell her that Harm could be hers for the taking if she'd only reach out and grab him. When the phone rang, she half expected it to be him, but although the phone number looked familiar, she couldn't quite place it.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Gorgeous!"

Mac laughed. "Jack Keeter. How the hell are you? I haven't heard from you in months!" Their journey together in the Iranian desert had forged a bond between them that had remained throughout the years. Even though she rarely saw him, he always made the point of calling her every once and awhile to see how she was.

"Well, you know me – International Man of Mystery!"

Mac laughed again and plopped down on the couch with a tired sigh.

"Hey Marine, you sound exhausted."

"Ugh, yeah – tired from packing. I got orders to San Diego."

"Yeah – so I hear."

Mac's expression sobered. "You've been talking to Harm."

"Yeah, I have."

Mac didn't know what to say. Over the years she had often considered trying to get information on Harm's thoughts out of Keeter, but she had never tried. She respected their friendship too much to break their trust. Now however, she wondered if this might be the reason for his call. "How's he doing? I half expected to hear from him tonight."

"Well, Mac… from what I understand… he's waiting to hear from you…"

Mac bit her lip. It was true – he had confided in Keeter – told him everything from the sounds of it. "He is?"

"Mac." Keeter scolded softly. "I think you know what Harm is waiting for… what are **_you_** waiting for?"

"You decide to turn in your wings for a matchmaking career, Jack?"

"Hey – I'm just used to being able to kill two birds with one stone when I want to visit you guys. I don't make enough money for separate trips!"

She chuckled briefly, but soon there was an uncomfortable silence. Finally, Mac spoke up. "I'm scared, Jack."

"Why?"

"I'm afraid he's not thinking clearly… I mean, I know he wants a family… children…" she paused briefly, wondering if this was something Jack knew she couldn't give him - "… but **_I_** fell into that trap once before too… just taking the closest available man because he was a means to the end. I don't know what I would do if I… let go… only to find later on that that's what I was to him… I'm not sure I could survive that… I mean, I know his **_intentions_** are sincere right now… but so were mine with Mic at one time…" She heard Keeter sigh over the line.

"Mac… I swear to God the two of you are going to be the end of me…" He took a deep breath and then continued. "Listen… you know I can't… I mean…"

"I know." She ended his discomfort.

"Okay good… but I think you should talk to him. You might be surprised by what he's thinking."

"C'mon Keeter, you know Harm… he's not the kind of guy who can commit - and that's what he'd have to do in order for this situation to resolve itself. I mean, we have three choices – a long distance relationship – which is pretty much impossible under the circumstances, one of us gives up our career, or nothing. I think he's secretly glad that this came up. Not to say that he's not upset that we're separating, but I think he's glad to be getting out of the prospect of being saddled with me."

"Mac?! I'm confused - where the hell is this coming from? What, in God's name, would make you think that?"

Mac took a deep breath and sighed. "Jack – look, you're really sweet, but face it, we both know full well that Harmon Rabb goes after what he wants with a zeal and enthusiasm that no one can put asunder. If he'd ever really, truly wanted me – I think he would have made a little bit more of an effort over the years, don't you? I mean, I know before Mattie's accident he expressed an interest… but I think in reality I'm really only one of his 'side projects' that he'll get tired of after awhile and move on. I'm sorry, but as much as I might want to, I can't be that to him – I'm not that strong – not anymore."

Keeter dropped his forehead onto his clenched fist and started beating them together. He swore, getting these two pointed in the same direction was worse than herding kittens. "Well, Mac – it sounds to me like you've got to make a decision."

"What's that?"

"You've got to decide what you really want in life. Whether you want to be chased down and captured like wild game, or you want someone who respects you enough to let you come to your own conclusions about who you want to spend the rest of your life with."

Mac became quiet and rubbed her forehead in frustration - weighing Keeter's comments. She couldn't understand any of this – any man that had wanted her before had just outright pursued her – usually quite aggressively. She shook her head to clear the confusion. "You don't happen to have a cute, younger brother do you?"

"Yes, but unfortunately all **_five_** of them are already married."

"**_Five?_**"

"Well, you know… Catholic… but Mac – **_I'm_** currently available…"

"No way – I'm done dating spooks."

"Now MacKenzie – you know I haven't been a spook in a very long time."

"I know, but I think being a spook was better. At least then it was only a case of you disappearing and never being heard from again. Now I get to watch you burn up in re-entry live on ZNN."

"Mac, don't worry – I think I have more chance of being devoured by Fire Ants in the parking lot than I do at getting into space these days. But don't try and change the subject – we were talking about your love life!"

She sobered again. "Jack, it's not just as simple as the relationship you know! It's our careers too. That's always complicated things. We've both just been handed commands – you know full well that neither of us can walk away from that – and I've had one long distance relationship before – they don't work!"

"Chaff MacKenzie."

"What?!"

"You're chicken."

"Ja-ack…"

"You're scared." Keeter clicked his tongue in a scolding manner. "Well I'll be… a yellow Marine. Where do I alert the authorities?"

"Keeter…"

"C'mon – you can't tell me you can walk away from nine years without at least trying to talk this out! You two have way too much invested in each other."

Mac's eyes filled with tears. "Oh Jack – you have no idea." Just the thought of how much she had invested in Harm over the years put a chink in her armor. She had been successfully ignoring the idea of what life was **_actually_** going to be like once she got to San Diego and Harm was gone forever. She had been concentrating too much on just getting through these next few days without breaking down.

"You know what I think, pretty girl?" Keeter saw his opportunity and jumped in with both feet.

"What?"

"I think that because of what happened to you as a child, you've lived your entire life believing that you can never have anything good. That somehow, you don't deserve it or something. And I think you've told yourself this so often that it's become a self fulfilling prophecy."

Mac's head started to pound - Keeter's comments had just hit a little too close to home. Without warning, Harm's words from years ago came to mind – that day he tried like hell to make her confront her father before he died. "_Why do we think it's a good idea to bury things?_" Her chest tightened as she remembered more of the conversation from that fateful April morning "_… you'll carry him with you the rest of your life, every time you put on that uniform he'll be there, every tray of Martinis that passes will smell like him… **every time a man tells you you're worth something, you push him away…"**_  
Out of the blue, it became all too clear exactly what she was doing – what she had always done. Earlier in that same conversation with Harm, she'd said it – the reason she got over the pain of her father was because she'd put him out of her mind - she didn't even think about him. It wasn't until he was dying that it all came back to her and she had to deal with it again because she never had in the first place. She was doing the exact same thing now – she didn't know how to deal with her and Harm's separation, so she was putting it out of her mind and not thinking about it. Is that what would happen again? Some day in the future, long after she thought she'd gotten over him, would word come that he was lying somewhere dying and asking for her? A large chunk of her armor suddenly dislodged and tears welled in her eyes.

Keeter waited patiently before he continued, when he did, it was with a voice that was soft and soothing. "Are you okay, Mac?"

Mac swiped at her tears and sniffed. "No… I think I just realized something really important."

"What's that?"

"I've been trying to be so smart, Jack. I've been trying to love someone without giving up my heart in return. I mean… that's the safest route isn't it? Then, if it doesn't work out, you won't be in that much pain, right?" When her question was met by silence, she continued through her tears. "It doesn't work that way, does it?"

"Not that I'm aware of, sweetheart."

Mac broke down completely. "Oh Jack, I'm such an idiot."

"You are not, darlin'. You've just got to go and fix some things."

"I think it's too late."

"You're doing it again, Mac."

"But, Jack..."

"Marine – you have to try. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain."

She hesitated a long moment.

"I dare ya?"

"You **_dare_** me? Are we at band camp?" she laughed slightly as she wiped her nose on her sleeve.

"Bet you $50 bucks you can't go over to his apartment right now and bring up your relationship."

Mac sighed. "It won't make a difference, Jack – there's no way to sort it out anymore - it's gotten way too complicated."

"Chicken…. bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk…." Keeter clucked incessantly until Mac finally gave in.

"OK! Jesus – you're worse than Harm, you know that?"

"That's the Marine I know and love."

Mac chuckled.

"And don't let that get out – if people knew I loved Marines, I'd be in a world of hurt!"

She laughed again and wiped her eyes. "Don't worry, Jack – your secret's safe with me… and Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

"Yeah, but not like you love Harm."

"No," she shook her head sadly, "not at all like I love Harm."

"Well," Keeter drawled, "at least we know you can say it. Now you just have to say it to the right sailor."

"Bye, Jack."

"Bye, Sunshine. Good luck."

She stood up and took a deep breath, suddenly overwhelmed with that same giddy feeling she had been experiencing for the last two weeks. The one that she felt was ushering in a massively life-changing moment, and finally that moment was here. She was scared and apprehensive, but she knew that Keeter was right. She really didn't expect to get the answer she wanted, but she had to do this and get it over with, once and for all – Harm deserved to know the truth. If he still decided to leave, at least it would be with nothing left unsaid between them.

TBC


	23. FWFS Conclusion

**A/N: Well - here's the conclusion! As I said before, this assumes everything took place in the finale as we saw it, this just fills in what we didn't see. This conclusion takes place after the scene in Harm's apartment but before the McMurphy's scene. As I encorporated earlier that the "12 hours" Harm was talking about might have only been 12 hours until his movers got there to pack, it gave them an extra day before that McMurphy's bit (personally, I could never figure out that last timeline - I mean, it was dark outside when Mac went to Harm's apt, and it was dark outside during the McMurphy's scene, but Sturgis and Bud etc. were all in uniform (like they had just come from the office). I don't know - I may be crazy but when they cut from Harm and Mac in his apt, it seemed like the last thing on their minds would be to dress up and go out somewhere! Anyway, I took as much liberty as I could without contradicting anything they said, gave them a reason to be dressed up and gave them an extra day before the McMurphy's scene. One more thing - you sort of have to be familiar with "The Wizard of Oz" to get the last line - if you're not, don't worry, it's not important! LOL Anyway, hope you enjoy the conclusion and thanks so much for reading and reviewing!**

1 MAY 2005  
0315 ZULU  
HARM'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION

Harm almost lost consciousness with desire when Mac wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him with everything she had in her. There was only one last thing he had to be sure of before he lost himself completely. "Mac, please tell me that was a 'yes'?" he mumbled into her mouth.

Panting heavily, Mac drew back and looked with confusion into his eyes. She was so wrapped up in finally being able to kiss him like she'd always dreamed, she could make no sense out of what he just said. "What?"

"You never answered my question, Mac." He swore he could literally feel acid burning a hole in his stomach. "I mean, as much as I want this… I don't think I can unless you're going to be my wife." When he looked at Mac's blank expression he was terrified. Suddenly it felt like his whole life depended on one hell of a closing argument and he had to come up with it on the spur of the moment. "I… uh… don't mean to sound like a prude… it's just that… there's no way I could do this with you and then walk away…"

His sentence was cut off when Mac fused herself to his lips in a heart-breakingly sweet kiss. "God, I'm sorry Harm. I didn't mean not to answer you." She smiled into his eyes as she held his face in her hands. "It's just that the answer was so obvious to me, I guess I didn't even bother voicing it. Besides – it wasn't really phrased as a question, Sailor." When she saw Harm's body literally deflate with the loss of tension, tears welled in her eyes and she swore to herself that this would be the last time he would ever question her love. "Yes, yes – a thousand times yes I'll marry you, Harm. How could I not? You're the love of my life."

This time it was Harm that fused his lips to hers. He did so with such force that it nearly knocked the two of them off their perch. He was pretty sure he'd never heard such amazing words in all his life and briefly he wondered how Mac would take to consummating their relationship on the floor of his apartment with the door wide open. Luckily, his higher brain managed to comprehend that they deserved more than that - he really should _at least_ figure out a way to get the door closed.  
Just as he was formulating a plan as to how to accomplish that, as well as making that extremely low cut shirt she had on even lower than it already was, Mac was speaking again.

"Please, Harm…"

He tried to clear his head – it felt like he was grinding the transmission of his brain - times like this made him realize that listening and making love were the equivalent in his brain of reverse and forward. "What?"

"Please let me stay with you tonight… I need to show you how much I love you."

If Harm ever felt like fainting it was now. All he could do was to lean his cheek against hers and run his hand through her long hair. "I've got news for you sweetheart, you're not getting out of this apartment until I've made love to you at least nine times".

Mac couldn't help giggling. "Nine times?"

Harm drew back and looked at her in the eyes. "Once for every year that you should have been mine."

Mac fell into his neck and nuzzled her face against his skin. "Oh God, Harm… are we ever going to be able to make up for that?"

Harm nodded his head confidently. "Yes, and we're going to start with me making love to you nine times…"

Mac laughed again against his chest. "And here I thought I was going to make love to you."

"Well, we could always flip for it."

Mac grinned "First one to the bed gets to be on top." As she spoke she jumped up and made a dash for the bedroom. Before she even managed to get one step, Harm grabbed her around the middle, stood and flipped her over his shoulder – all in one motion.

"AH! HARM!" Mac laughed. "Put me down!"

"Oh don't worry, I will Marine." Harm kicked the door closed with his foot on his way by and then literally sprang up the two steps to his bedroom. For the first time in years it seemed, he suddenly felt about ten years younger. Before they got to the bed, Harm released Mac and slowly let her down – delighting in the feel of her body sliding over his.

"So who won?" Mac breathed, almost delirious with the closeness of her lips to his. "Mac, I don't want to compete with you any more. From now on, we have to agree that the most important thing is that we're together… everything else is gravy. If you don't feel that way, you have to tell me now."

"I agree." She almost answered over top of the end of his sentence she said it so quickly. The time for hesitation had long since passed in her mind.

"Okay – I think I have an idea for how we can figure out this work situation."

"You want to flip a coin."

"How did you know?"

"Harm…" Mac chastised him with a sweet grin, "You always want to flip a coin."

"Well it works" he shrugged defensively.

"We don't need to flip a coin – I'm going to request an inactive Reserve billet."

He took her by her upper arms and bore his eyes into hers "No way, Marine."

"Harm – I want to – it's my turn."

"Mac, this isn't about payback – this is about fate, remember? The only way I can be satisfied that you're not going to regret this is if we let fate decide…" he combed his fingers through her hair in adoration, "… otherwise, I'll always be afraid you felt pressured – that you'll change your mind."

Mac leaned in and kissed him sweetly on the mouth – letting her tongue dart out to quickly taste those lips she'd always dreamed of. "Harm, I'm never changing my mind. You're worth it to me. I've been in denial lately about us – I hesitate to say that I **_need_** you in my life to make it work – but it comes awfully close to that, and I was only fighting it because I was afraid of loving someone that much. But I realize now I have no choice – I have to or I won't be a whole person."

"Awww Mac…" Harm whispered as he ran his thumb over her cheek. Her words were making it hard for him to breath.

"I've had a good career, Harm – I proved it to myself that I could be a good Marine and a good lawyer… now I want to prove to myself that I can be a good person… that I can be a good wife."

"Mac…" he shook his head, "...that's almost archaic…"

"No, it's true, Harm. I've spent too many years putting myself first. Now I want to put 'us' first - and you know why?"

"Why." Harm was mesmerized by her face.

"Just because I **_want_** to." She couldn't help the tears that brimmed in her eyes. "For the first time in my life, the most important thing for me is to make someone else happy - Mattie taught **_you_** that lesson and now it's my turn. I want you to be happy, Harm – I want us to be happy. I want us to be happy so badly…"

Harm leaned forward and kissed her tears as they fell down her cheek. He didn't know how she did it, but she had his heart jumping for joy and breaking all at the same time. "We will be, sweetheart… we will be… but it's not fair for you to reserve your commission. I'm the one who's got twenty in – you'd lose your pension… I should be the one to retire."

"But, Harm – if you retire now you'll lose your promotion…" Her words were cut off when Harm sighed and suddenly clamped his hand over her mouth.

He smiled sweetly and kissed her nose. "See, Marine – this is exactly why we should flip a coin. We've been a couple for all of about seven minutes and already we're arguing." Tentatively he released his hand from over her mouth. "Do you agree?"

She nodded her head and smiled.

"But once the coin has decided – that's it - there's no negotiating and there's certainly no backing out."

"Good – then I won't have any cause to worry. How long did you say until the movers got here?"

"About twelve hours."

"Good. Now that we've got that out of the way, I have plans for you." Mac slid her fingers up underneath his shirt and touched his naked skin. The sensation made them both shiver and quickly resume their ardent kissing.

As Harm's mouth traveled down her neck, he spoke between nibbles. "Mac… I have a confession to make." He slipped his fingers inside her waistband and had her pants undone in seconds, "As much as I may want to… I'm not going to be able to make love to you nine times in twelve hours." He delved into the sweet skin on the top of her shoulder as his hands came up underneath her shirt and made similarly short work of her bra.

"My God, Harm – Kate was right - you really **_do_** have the fastest fingers in the Navy."

He grinned into her neck, "Yeah… sorry – it's a gift."

She ran her hands up his chest and pulled his face up to hers. "Harm, you really didn't think I took you seriously with that 'nine times' thing, did you? I mean, I wouldn't be able to walk."

Harm pulled her against him, "Baby – you're not going to need to walk for what I have in mind."

Choking back a laugh, she grinned from ear to ear and ran her thumb hungrily across his bottom lip. "Did these 'pilot lines' really work for you before?"

"Not really – no. But what I'm trying to say is that, since I'm not going to quite make it to nine, as soon as the movers are gone tomorrow, I'm taking you to _The Willard_."

"_The Willard_! Harm, we can just go to **_my_** apartment."

He nuzzled into the small indent below her ear. "No good – then we'd have to stop making love when **_your_** movers got there. Besides, they have this suite with a hot tub in it."

She was about to bring up the fact that her movers weren't coming for another week when he simultaneously sucked her earlobe into his mouth and slipped his hands down the back of her pants and pushed her against him. "Oh God… good plan…"

Suddenly, Harm had no idea what happened to the man who was so good at seduction. That guy seemed to have abandoned him entirely and in his place was this gigantic male hormone that couldn't wait to get into her pants. "Mac… uh… I have another confession to make…"

"What?" Mac did a pretty decent job on Harm's trouser button and she slowly started undoing his zipper.

"Uhhh… I don't think this first time is going to last very long." He shivered and drew in a shaky breath as her hand snaked inside his pants.

"Good – now shut up and let me love you." She grabbed his shirt tail and pulled – sending buttons flying in every direction.

"Well… if you insist…"

HARM'S APARTMENT  
THE NEXT MORNING  
1415 ZULU

Harm ran his hands up Mac's middle slowly, from her hips to her ribs, as she stretched back against his strong chest. He placed delicate, wet kisses from her shoulder to her neck as he massaged her breasts with the palms of his hands.

"Mmmm…" Mac moaned happily. "I could get used to waking up like this."

"There's no **_could_** about it, Mac." He spoke softly into her ear. "You have no choice anymore. The time for decisions was last night." He happily returned to the nape of her neck, causing her to shiver. She reached down behind her to run her fingers up the back of his thigh. When she reached his muscular behind, she pulled him against her, causing his roaming erection to press further against her backside. "Ahhhh… Damn it, Mackenzie…" he splayed his large hand on her lower belly and ground against her, "…as if I needed one more way for you to drive me absolutely insane…"

Mac giggled and reached behind her to caress the nape of Harm's neck as he nibbled his way across the front of her throat. "God… right back at ya, Navy."  
As she turned her body fully towards him to commence yet another round of lovemaking, the phone abruptly rang. "Who the hell is calling you at this hour?"

"Just ignore it." Harm murmured into her neck and roller her underneath him, once again finding his way between her warm thighs. Just as they were getting lost in the moment, a familiar voice wafted across the nearly empty apartment.

"Harm! C'mon, buddy – I know you're home – you only have 45 minutes until the movers get there… Gimme a break - I'm dyin' here Rabb – you gotta let me know what happened…!"

Mac smiled into Harm's mouth and broke the kiss. "I take it Dr. Keeter has been counseling you too."

Harm grinned and gently stroked the hair off of her forehead. "What do you say, Mac? Should we take pity on the guy?"

She squirmed underneath his large body, never breaking eye contact. After a moment of silence, they both came to a mutual agreement.

"Naaaawwww…" they simultaneously shook their heads and resumed kissing.

Meanwhile, in the background, a lone voice could be heard. "Well, that's it - you guys better be doing the horizontal tango right now or I'll fly over there and drop a Sidewinder up BOTH your sixes! Okay… I'm giving you forty minutes and I'm calling you back… no… make that **_thirty_** minutes – Rabb won't need half that time, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt…just remember, you two should at least be **_decent_** when the movers get there…"

Mac couldn't help giggling, but Harm wouldn't be swayed, "Marine…" he warned playfully, "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain…"

THE END


End file.
